Saturday, April 23, 2005
2:27 AM
Final thoughts from Iraq
11:30 a.m., Saturday April 23.
We're awaiting our C-130 plane. Our bags are on the runway piled on a palette. My duffel bag is heavy as all hell. As I carried it and one of riches I had to stop twice. I felt as if I was in the "World's Strongest Man" competion. Being that I'm in Iraq, it's not too much of a stretch.
A short while ago a mortar attack was heard loud and clear. We're in the MWR center, obviously online. Ooops, off to lunch. Hope to write more when we're done.
6:18 p.m., Saturday April 23. Back in Kuwait where it all began. We leave at 11 to catch our 1 a.m. flight to Germany and then into the states.
I'm using the downtime to write, having to pay $5 an hour to do so. But it's better than buying overpriced jewelry or cologne.
As we waited on the runway for our huge C-130 plane, four Stryker military vehicles came racing into the base. Strykers are huge tanker-like Humvees and move very fast. Medical staff was waiting for them with wheeled stretchers. According to Captain Josh, while we were at lunch he heard gunfire and some explosions nearby. We gathered that the soldiers were injured from the combat and were being rushed the medical center on the Mosul Air Force Base. It was kind of an eerie way to leave Iraq, a downer of sorts. Up to that point we had only heard some bombs and seen their aftermath of holes in the earth; seeing one of our soldiers lying on a stretcher while his fellow soldiers rushed around to help him was a bit
humbling. But alas, that's what we were told to expect when entering an active war zone. We couldn't see how badly injured the troops were as we stood some 300 yards away. we can only hope and pray they are okay.
The ride in the C-130 was jam-packed. We each tried to sleep but soldiers were seated right beside us along with everyone's gear. I felt a bit sick upon take off and landing, mostly for effect. Seems the rest of the crew was anxiously awaiting my puking. It would be the final piece to an awesomely arranged and conquered puzzle. But I never puked. I gave Steve, Lamar, Tom, Rich and Josh some good laughs, but my prime rib and jello lunch stayed down. And a good thing at that. I'm not sure all of it would've fit into the small barf bag they gave me.
We just finished our final meal in the DFac. A beef pepper steak with onions, green peppers and rice served as a nice ending to 12 days of eating like never before. Of course I snagged 3 more Power Bars and made one heck of a chocolate/vanilla swirl in a sugarcone. Yum, yum!
All of us are beat. Rich is used to it, this being his eighth time in Iraq and 13th year with Comics On Duty, but even he's exhausted. Lamar and Steve seem more out of it than Tom and I. We could do this again next week if need be. They would opt not to.
I'm gonna take a few days to let it all set in. Tons of pictures still await their uploading. I may talk with Steve and figure out how to add my pictures in a more efficient, better looking way. I crop and edit them too much which takes too long. He knows a better way, like on his site, SteveBurrComedy.com.
That's it for now. Not a climactic culmination to an outstanding trip but nonetheless it's still goodbye. I work at Wrigley Field Tuesday and Wednesday night and then it's off to Grand Rapids for 3 days. Until you read again ...
12:48 AM
It is 1 a.m. Thursday, April 21. Just showered and am now back in my room, a room again shared with Tom. I think Tom is no longer my biggest fan, although I never really was. He just got stuck with me because Lamar and Steve are great friends.
The last 2 nights we each had our own rooms and Tom and I shared a bathroom in between. The first night I locked my keys inside and had to knock on Toms room very late. Not a happy camper was he. Tonight our room is about the same size as it was when first arriving in Iraq, but this one has neither a closet nor a nightstand. It has 2 cots on either side of the room and that is it. The air conditioning unit separates our beds, hanging high on the main wall. The mattress is a 2 inch thick sponge and has no sheets or cover of any kind. I will be using the sleeping bags, one for a pillow and one to sleep in.
After talking outside our front door with Rich, I came in and saw Tom sleeping - with his clothes, even the shoes, on. I opened the bag with the sleeping bags and tossed them on him. He awoke, turned over, and told me he was not using anything. I think his coat was used in lieu of a pillow. I am not sure how long he had been sleeping but you would have thought he had just arisen from hibernation.
2:25 a.m., Friday April 22. Tom and I are again roommates only this time Rich has joined us. They are both fast asleep, Tom again with no sleeping bags even near him. Rich is on only a mattress positioned between mine and Toms beds. He is snoring a little, so my typing hopefully will not make so much noise. Us three roomed together at Camp Echo earlier this week. There, bunk beds were our sleeping sources. Rich and Tom took the bottom beds while I hopped atop where Tom was and miscellaneous stuff took reign in the fourth bed. It was my first time sleeping in a bunk bed in at least 18 years. My brother and I had them as kids and fought about them all the time. One day we came home from school and mom had sawed them in half. So much for that fight.
We were awake early yesterday morning by our troops escorting us to our Blackhawks. We stopped in the DFac for a quick breakfast and then was off to the birds. Groggy and with unbrushed fuzzy teeth, we poured into the Hummers and headed out.
The flight to Camp Dibis was short and scenic. Northern Iraq features mountains and lots of green farmland, quite a nice view from a few thousand feet off the ground. I snapped some shot and took some footage. The 1G memory stick is working out very well. It has like 45 minutes of video recording time, so taping a few short clips barely cracks the surface of memory overload.
I’m going to be all over the place in this entry. Our minds have been overloaded with stuff and thinking straight is seen as impossible.
9:35 p.m., April 22. Just finished the last show of the tour. Not sure how many we have done, but they have each been a great experience. This one was just outside of Mosul in the DFac. There is a lot of stuff going on here. 5 soldiers have been killed in the last 6 days, cause of death being roadside bombs mostly. The DFac here is the only one that has had sandbags built into wooden walls to protect the troops. Back in January a suicide bomber struck a DFac near here and killed 23 soldiers. Currently in Mosul there is another one like him yet to be found. We landed there but took another Blackhawk chopper here to Talifar, Iraq.
The chopper ride today was awesome. Although we stopped a lot, the scenery was awesome, something you rarely hear about on the news. Now it is not like travel agents are pushing this place, but it is really pretty through the mountains, rivers and small lakes hidden behind green and hills and round mounds of earth.
This show was awesome. We were back to the normal format that included a real stage and sound system. We quickly adjusted to life without a mic and had great fun with the small crowds. However it was nice to end things on a positive note and a crowd of about 350 people. They had not had any come through here and were anxiously awaiting us.
We head back to our rooms after this to pack for home. Tomorrow, Saturday the 23rd, we take a C-130 to Kuwait and then from there to Frankfurt, Germany and then to Detroit and then into Chicago.
As usual, Tom is doing very well. He has been in comedy for 19 years. Unlike us, he simply does his jokes, not talking at all about the troops or the experience. It works out very well, though, since Steve, Lamar and I talk about life over here. With Tom not mentioning that, they are not reminded about where they are. They instead are living vicariously through Tom.
Lamar and Steve have come a long way. Now that is not to say they were bad to begin with, but I mean that they have added a lot of military jokes to their act. And very impressive stuff at that, some of which will fit nicely into their sets back home. The few things I have added have been okay, but nothing to the point of Lamar and Steve. Lamar is moving to New York City soon. Within a few months he will have some great things happening. He is only 26 and very smart and well spoken. I say that because many black comics do a lot of ghetto or very dirty stuff, like what you see on Def Comedy Jam or Comic View. Lamars material is insightful and well thought out. Admittedly, I wish I could commit to clean, thought provoking stuff sometimes. He has been doing a lot of cruise ships and colleges. They pay well and afford him the opportunity to move to where things happen in NYC.
Time to wrap up and visit with the crowd. That is all for now.
1:30 a.m., Saturday April 23. We are all packed. Tom is sitting, pantsless, on his bed across the small room. Thankfully his shirt is long enough to cover his manly underwear, the brief version I think. Well I hope I guess. Doubtful that he is going commando, although in a war zone why not. And he is from West Virginia, so you never know about those folk.
A tall row of four metal lockers sits between our sheetless beds. There is a third bed across from the lockers on which we have our duffle bags placed. I also have my clothes for tomorrow there. They may actually escort me all the way home, serving as my last Iraqi outfit. They will make stops in Kuwait, Germany and then the good ol’ US of A.
Alan Jacksons Greatest Hits Volume II is playing in my laptop. Tom seems to be okay with my selection. Something a bought a guy from WV that makes country music a perfect choice. The others were Sinatra and mix of random tunes. Earlier today we took a much needed three hour afternoon nap, falling asleep to John Mellancamps Greatest Hits from 1978 to 1988. Toms a big fan of Springsteen but I had none of him with me. My brother loves the Boss. I did not think to ask him to borrow any, though.
We visited with the troops after our last show like always. About a half dozen bald guys posed for a picture with Steve and I. For some reason my camera has been taking fuzzy pictures and this one was no exception. Damnit I thought I had the technology down. I will consult an expert, hopefully a friend of mine so my cheap ass does not have to pay, when I get home to eliminate the blurry shots. Or I guess I could read the manual that came with the camera almost 2 years ago. Duh?!
We stopped into a shop before the show hoping to find some good deals on jewelry and such. Seemed like their prices were higher than back in the states. No need for a ring or necklace at American prices in Iraq. Especially when the stuff says MADE IN KOREA. Authentic my ass. We have a long stay in Mosul tomorrow, so we will see what their shops offer. Or maybe in Kuwait they will be time. The next few days will be a lot of bag carrying, vehicle transferring, time zone changing, and Power Bar eating. Between them and the powdered Gatorade I could open a stand on the corner back home. Maybe near one of the El stops.
Not sure where home will be when I get to Chicago. The apartment I had planned on moving into May 1 is up in the air last I hear. The landlord is questioning my comedy income and without being there to show her the paperwork, I cannot insure my getting the place. My friends Cyndi and Chris have been helping out a lot in my absence. Hopefully they were able to satisfy the landlord until I can talk with her Monday.
My new place is only a studio. With all the great gifts and purchases I have made on this trip, I will need a separate wall to honor this tour. We got another certificate tonight, the fourth of the tour. There is also our autographed flyer to hang. I have what I hope is an Iraqi made rug, a folded American flag from Camp Summerall, a half dozen medals and numerous patches from different military units. I will need to take time to organize everything and label it properly. One really cool thing is a piece of reinforced steel created at Skunk Werks on Camp Anaconda in Belad. It is the same material used to make the Hummers and other battle vehicles able to withstand heavy gunfire and shrapnel. The Major at the Werks even signed it for us.
(Toms snoring and I still have lots to write. Time to turn Alan Jackson, now with his original Greatest Collection playing, down a bit. I just walked over to turn off the light and found out that Toms originally thought to be briefs are more of a bikini model. Not like I was looking but it was an inevitable site, one that I was glad to mention here. He lies face down on the sheetless mattress, his head resting on his black lightweight hooded jacket.)
When we arrived back to our rooms, I broke out some Cuban cigars purchased in Amsterdam. Josh, Rich, Tom and I enjoyed them just outside our doors. They are right next to us and Lamar and Steve are down just one trailer from us. The cigars were a nice way to wind down the night and our last time all together on tour. It was like a celebratory occasion, a WE DID IT and THANK YOU to Rich for making it happen and to Josh for escorting us around the last 2 weeks. We all chatted for a bit and then I headed inside to burn my pictures onto a disk for Rich. He will compile a master DVD with all our photos and some video shots and send them within a few weeks. I also met a soldier originally from Chicago, Padilla I think his name was. He mentioned the Cubs, so I burned him a copy of some Wrigley Field pictures I had. Any piece of home the soldiers can have boosts their morale ever so slightly. It is the least I could do. I also included some shot of the Chicago skyline and my prize possession shot with Michael Jordan. Padilla will complete 21 years in the service and then get out to sell real estate in Florida where his wife and 2 kids live now, his son 14 and a daughter 7. He is hoping to make it home to the Chicago area for his 20th high school class reunion.
I am sad that its almost over. Although we have bickered a little and gotten on each others nerves a bit, its been such a near life altering experience that we cannot help but want it to continue. Lamar has a wife back in Rochester, NY; Steve has an elderly father who lost his wife to cancer 3 years ago, also in Rochester; Tom and his wife of 14 years own a 68 acre farm in northwestern WV. She is meeting him in Detroit to stay the night and then drive home some 12 hours or so. I think. Never made that drive before. Rich has his 8 year old daughter and wife to see.
As for me, its the unknown apartment, my friends, and my family waiting for me. Having broken up with Katie over a month ago, the special someone will not be there. But I think I am okay with that. Many people want to hear about the trip even if they are reading this site and enjoying my stories and pictures. I have tons more pictures as well as video and the hilarious story about the ravishing Rachel.
The cigar, although I did not finish it, gave me a headache. Time for bed. Our Blackhawk leaves around 7:30 a.m. and we need to wake up in 4 hours. I will try to get some more Cubans in Mosul and post this entry in my journal. G’night for now.
12:23 AM
A few more emails from the troops
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Hey Scott,
Just wanted to say a quick thank you for all you are doing in Iraq. My boyfriend is currently over there and saw one of your shows and it really helped pick him up!! He was in such a good mood after the show and that dose not happen often! But I just wanted to say a huge thank you again for helping our troops the way you do.
Thanks a million!!!
Kristie Rogers
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Hey Scott -
I Was in the hospital in Balad waiting to fly out, When you came in and really cheered us up. I was the bald Marine that you took a picture with. Thank you for risking even your lives over there to keep our spirits lifted. At thought the least I could do was help to support you by ordering one of your T-shirts...Semper Fi and god bless you and the other comedians. Please come home safe to keep the laughs rolling. Can you email me and let me know of some of the books that you have written, i would really be interested in reading them. SSgt McDonald
Thursday, April 21, 2005
10:46 PM
Thoughts from Iraq
7:45 a.m., April 22.
Blackhawks due here in 15 minutes. All dressed and ready to go. I have 5 empty rounds of ammo in my bulletproof vest. They are from the rounds I fired off the other night and serve as notches on my belt. But they're on my vest instead. My new nickname is "5 Metal Jacket."
This base had the best shower I've experienced thus far. Conversely, they are also the first base I've shat at without being able to flush the paper. The piping here is messed up the point we have to drop the deuce, wipe, and then throw the paper - in the trash. Nice. So there I am on the throne trying to bundle my poop paper together so it won't open in the can. I don't take this much precision when I fold laundry. Instead of using traditional tp, I used some baby wipes. It began as a good idea. The wipes were given to me ... 6 years ago when I moved home from Arizona. That's not indicative of how often I drop but just how often I use pre-moistened paper to wrap things up back there. The wipes were bone dry, so they actually felt like normal tp. I clutched them tightly and left the curtain-covered stall walking tall. An hour later a power sprayer from the local car wash cleansed my mudd cutter. Then came the great shower and here I am today, all clean.
My favorite jeans have a whole in the crotch. It's getting bigger with every step up on the Blackhawks, where the initial fabric tear took place. I'm running low on underwear and the brown Army ones I bought last week fit horribly. Too tight around the legs. I haven't worn the tightie-whitie model in some years and am not ready to start with uncomfortable ones. Maybe there's a UPS driver back home who could use 'em.
The food's been outta control. I've been eating everything from onion rings to meatloaf to double cheeseburgers to eggs to bacon to ... you name it. Why serve so much food and then make the way to get rid of it so difficult and mind-scaring? Off to the choppers.
2:31 PM
More emails from Iraqi troops
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Scott-
My brother is stationed in Iraq and was telling me about you and the other comedians. I hear you are pretty funny! I checked out your website, very interesting. I actually live in chicago. Will have to come check you out sometime.
So out of curiousity, do you have a girlfriend? Just curious...with your website and all, if you do, she must be pretty amazing and you better hang on to her. Any woman who can sit back and let her man pose in numerous pics with gorgeous women in thongs must have lots of confidence! :) And if you don't have a girlfriend, one of my friends would be all over you. She loves bald men. :)
Be safe while you're there. Thanks for giving my brother some laughs!
Jenna
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Scott- We really enjoyed your performance, it is great to be able to laugh and actually enjoy yourself in the midst of war. So thank you. So who is this Rachel on your website? You promised stories on her. Hey, we got to live vicariously through others...
Thanks again for giving us many laughs, may your safety continue, God bless.
Sam
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5:32 AM
Even more pictures from Iraq
Located in Talill, Iraq. They were the military police here, stationed for a year.
I didn't even think about it; the picture was enough of a risk.
The lovely Rachel yet again. This picture started it all.
Minutes before boarding our first Blackhawk helicopter last week in Talill.
This soldier covered some awesome songs before our show at Camp Cedar II in Kuwait.
A view from over the shoulder of the right wing gunner aboard a Blackhawk. Not sure what his political beliefs really are, though.
3:08 AM
Photos from Iraq
A mortar blast hit this uparmorment building in Belad.
An injured soldier attempts to lift his morale - and perhaps more - by reading Jenna Jameson's "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star."
Steve and I with injured soldier at Camp Anaconda.
Worth a thousand words.
Not only did I shoot this machine gun but I also shot a 50-caliber rifle. Holy shit. Hopefully the video I have will be on here soon.
Dressed in battle rattle, the 42nd Infantry Division at Camp Summerall show us how it's done.
Bald and bold in Iraq as incoming and outgoing mortars were heard throughout the show.
What better place to do some thinking than on the shitter at Saddam's palace.
Holding a M240B 7.62 machine gun, the same one I shot a few pics above.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
4:42 PM
Emails from American soldiers who have seen our shows in Iraq and Kuwait
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(added 4/21)
Scott
Hey there, saw you show the other day in Balad. We all really appreciated the laughs you guys gave us. It was a blast having you guys over here. Felt a little like being back home minus the alcohol which I miss DEARLY. But anwways, if you are ever drinking around Lincoln Park stop by Louis in the Park. It is a Bar Louis restaurant but they can't call it a bar in that district, wierd. My cousin Tim is a really tall read headed guy so you can't miss him. He is usually behind the bar and works some crazy hours so there is a pretty good chance he will be there. Show him that picture or just say hi and he'd get a real kick out of it. Hope the rest of your trip went good and that you got to see some of the nicer/safer sights in Iraq. Take care and thanks again.
Nick Nelson
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Thanks for the show last night @ the MWR West here in Ballad. All you guys did
awesome and I and the rest of the gang appreciate it. Not alot of comedy comes
through here and watching all the comedians from dvd's got old like 3 months
ago. lol. i was looking through ur website @ pictures you've taken while in
kuwait and iraq and i ran across a pic of you standing in front of a helicopter
that you claimed was an apache helicopter. who ever told you that is full of
shit. lol. my job here is to arm and fix the apache helicopter. the copter you
are in front of is the AH-1 Cobra. It's been around since vietnam. both are
bad ass copters and are vital out here.
anyway...thanks again for the show and be safe the rest of the tour.
L8R,
William Hoffman
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Thanks for taking the time to contribute to the morale of us in the services. I
enjoyed your show at Camp Anaconda very much - your jokes about taking a shit at
the hotel were histerical. I thought the gal behind me was going to burst she
was laughing so hard. I also enjoyed your stuff about women and sex. I wish
you many successes. I'll look forward to see you at a show back home!
SGT Kaufman
US Army Engineers
A/463 ECB(H)
APO AE 09391
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Thank you so much for doing this. If you hadn’t noticed, we really don’t receive many visitors other than Third Country Nationals (TCNs). I do have to say that I’m very much surprised that someone so funny actually came out of Joliet, IL. I’m the AF person who grew up around Freeport, IL. Not sure if you’ll remember but I just wanted to pass along my thanks. You’ll never know how much this really means to us. Take care of yourself and enjoy the tour!
Terri
TERESA L. MATTHEWS, TSgt, USAF
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Scott,
Thanks again for the show you guys put on. The troops can always use a good laugh. Pretty neat to put yourself in Bob Hope's shoes isn't it? Anyway, keep your head down and say Hi to the Good Ole USA from all of us.
All the best,
Lieutenant Colonel Dan Albert
US Army
Camp Echo, Diwaniyah, Iraq
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Scott,
I really enjoyed your show last night. You and the Comics on Duty are the only show that has come to Camp Echo or in my case Camp Babylon in my 9 months of duty in Iraq. The tour was a greatly needed relief outlet for most of us.
I hope your stay at Echo was as enjoyable as it could be. You and your fellow comics did bring us some of home with you and we thank you.
I surfed your web site and saw your picture galleries. Since I am a fellow head shaver and proud of my over abundance of testosterone (just ask my wife), I am including a photo of me for your Guys that look like Scott page. I hope you can use it for your web site.
Be safe on your tour and hope to see you at a Comedy Club back home.
Tom
THOMAS J. PURPLE, JR.
LTC, CM, US ARMY
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Hey Steve, (I guess I made a great and last impression on this guy!)
You were awesome man. I had a lot of fun with you guys. And I make sure to tell Rachel hi for you.
SrA Rob Avers,
Tallil Iraq,
Baggage Truck driver last day.
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Scott, saw your show when you and the guys performed for us at Kuwait Naval Base Camp Patriot. I want to thank you for the job y'all are doing and how much it is appreciated by all of us that y'all take the time to come over and give us a few laughs. Thanks!
I found myself in a couple of pictures you took and put on your website. I am the goofy looking guy in the bright red t-shirt that looks like I am having serious gas pains in front of Kane Theater (actually I am so tall, I wanted crouch down and be sure and get in the picture).
Anyway, thanks again for all that y'all are doing.
HM2 Gary Moseley
Camp Patriot, Kuwait
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