Saturday, April 16, 2005
12:24 AM
Over 300 troops look on as we deliver a great show our first night in Iraq. Even though I'm some 9,000 miles away from home, Chicago's Nine FM is showcased loud and clear.
Contrary to popular belief, the song is "Save a Horse, Ride a Howitzer." I'm never growing up. Ever.
Captain Rodney Freeman (L) and Captain Josh Stiltner after a show, two of the nicest guys in the world. I can actually say that because Iraq is my fifth country in which I've done comedy. I guess you can count Canda as six if my passing out in the Skydome bathroom before the first pitch from drinking too much Mountain Dew and Raspberry Schnapps is funny. And it was. And that long sentence was quite a run-on.
Day 3, Last Day in Kuwait
3:30 Friday morning, awaiting a pickup to head to the Kuwait airport and then off to Talil, Iraq, the site of two shows later today.
Last nights show went well. It was a very small venue that seated 60 but had standing room only for the entirety of the show. Many people peeked their heads in, saw that it was packed and left. It was very hot in there and the AC made too much noise and was, believe it or not, too cold at times. A Mosque directly across the street began chanting just before showtime and then right in the middle of Steve Burr’s set. Hilarity ensued and I have the video footage to prove it.
My clothes are drying. I bought some brown Army underwear today, primarily for the novelty factor but also for the obvious reason – I have always wanted to work at UPS. The t-shirts I brought along are some of the lamest from my vast collection. I thought we would get a bunch but have only received one freebie thus far. Luckily my friend Matt, who works for a radio station in Chicago, gave me one from the station, a bright orange one no less. I also have a red shirt from Laffs in Tucson and another one I bought today with Camp Doha and a camel on the front.
I am heading to finish packing. The rest of the guys are waiting and my stuff is still drying. I might as well get as ready as possible. Not sure how much opportunity I will have to upload stuff to the Net, so writing offline may be the only way to go for the next few days.
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Day 4, First Day in Iraq
7 a.m. Yesterday was a long and amazing day. It began way too early, or was maybe an extension since I didn’t sleep at all the night before. We left Camp Doha, Kuwait and headed for Iraq. We took a military transport plane, a C-130.
When we arrived at the Air Base, we were given our flack vests and helmets in addition to sleeping bags to be used for the rest of the trip. Hello. I am not sure what the flack means but I do know the vests are bulletproof and the helmets I have seen in war movies. This is comedy for me right now.
Lamar, Steve, Tom and I put them on and about fell over from their weight. We then climbed a small hill of broken concrete and gravel where an American flag was blowing in the wind. The four of us grabbed a hold of it reminiscent of Hiwajima.
Before the plane arrived we enjoyed some MREs, meals ready to eat. 24 different kinds were available. I sifted through the boxes, skipping over beef enchiladas and chicken teriyaki, and settled favorably on chili with macaroni. Love it. I always cook chili mac at home and was excited to eat the Iraqi version. Well, it was the American version simply to be consumed while in Iraq.
I had no idea what to do. How in the hell was I going to enjoy chili mac without a stove or a microwave? Simple. Ask a MRE expert like Captain Josh to help. And he did. Wow was it good. Try eating them for 6 months straight, Josh said. No thanks, I replied, but as a comedian always looking for a cheap meal, I could keep the Prizm filled nicely with a few.
Once on the plane we were seated almost like cargo, strapped in by only a lap belt in the back of the plane. I grabbed some barf bags and ear plugs readied myself for takeoff. Tom had let me use two Dramamine a few hours before so I hoped there would be no need for the bags. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. The flight was only 45 minutes.
Shortly after takeoff Lamar and I headed into the cockpit. Steve and Tom and sat there through takeoff and now it was our turn. I did not know what to expect having never been in the cockpit while the plane was flying. Holy shit would be a pretty accurate was to account things. 4 pilots, actually only two controlling things along with a navigator and a guy in the middle just appearing to hang out, were in the cockpit. They welcomed us, handed us some headphones and told us we could push a button and talk to them. Had I been a fan of flying or even video games this would have been way cooler.
It was a cloudy day and nothing could be seen out the windows. We chatted a bit, which was kind of weird. There we were right next to the guys and we had to use a headset to talk with them. They knew we were comedians, which explained us being up there in the first place, but I had nothing really funny to say, just told them my name and where I was from. Small talk mostly for about 15 minutes. Then I went back and got strapped in for the landing. Only 10 minutes later the navigator came to see if I wanted to sit in for the landing. Holy shit once again, mainly because I wondered who was navigating the sonofabitch if he was talking with me. I agreed and rejoined the crew in the cockpit.
It was still cloudy but they were talking over the radio to each other and lowering the plane out of the clouds. And then BAM, there was land. Nothing spectacular to look at but above it all thousands of feet is impressive wherever you are. Then it happened. As I stood there and snapped a few photos of the crew working and me standing there with my sunglasses like the Maverick I am, they began to turn the plane. And I thought I could handle it. I was sadly mistaken. The angle at which the plane turned was something out of Top Gun and Maverick I was not. I began to sweat like a whore in church. My helmet was back at my seat so only the headset was on. The beads of sweat ran down my head profusely. I wiped my dome with my bare hands and then transferred it to my pants. Holy shit yet again. I tried to look out the windows with the earth now clearly visible, but at an angle which I had never seen before. The four crew members sat comfortably like it was their job. And it was. I did not panic, unless you call a little pee and maybe some early stages of shitting your pants panicking. I then closed my eyes, hopefully not forever, Ozzy, and hoped it would all pass, the nerves, the heavy sweating, and the sudden feel of nausea. I told God that if he would just keep me from puking in the cockpit I would never watch porn again. Even he knew I was kidding. So I told him I would not watch it as much. He must have sensed my sincerity, as I never puked. I did lose some water weight, though, and assuredly some color in my face. I went from a tan Bruce Willis knock off to Powder in seconds. I retreated to a seat in the rear of the cockpit until we landed, holding onto anything within an arms reach. Once we were reunited with the earth I thanked the crew again and made my way back to my seat. We exited the plane and I quickly threw my underwear away.
This has been such a awesome experience and the best part about it is that it has only been a few days. We still have 8 days left and some of those days feature 2 shows.
It is weird being treated like a celebrity, people holding doors and honoring special requests like computer time. After the shows we have handed out small, signed posters with our pictures and websites on them. People have taken pictures from stage and have recorded our shows and then ask for more pictures after the show. Some of them have not seen their husbands or wives, sons or daughters, in months. Bringing them the gift of laughter is something special. And I may have grasped that this is why I was put on this earth. I often times question my existence and belittle my career, but it is moments like this that make it all real. And really great at that.
Last nights show was outside. My friend Warren B. Hall has done these tours 3 times, so I have seen pictures from his shows. The outdoor ones are great, at least those during the day. The shot are amazing and just those make you want to come over here.
It was windy and overcast yesterday. A dust storm hit in mid afternoon. I hear all the commotion but was so tired that checking outside was the least of my concern. I had a sleeping bag to hold and a plastic-covered mattress to rest upon.
The stage for the show was about 4 feet high. It sat on the bed of two 18-wheelers. The area in front of the stage was vast and green plastic patio chairs were lined up, maybe 50 or so. Instead of eating before the show we opted to do so afterwards.
Night fell upon us and the crowds slowly poured in, like molasses into a jar. We did not know what the turn out would be. The base houses 5000 soldiers currently and they have few options for entertainment, especially of the live variety.
There was a little problem with the lighting and the sound system before the show began, but things were fixed and the show commenced. Steve went first tonight and then Lamar and then me and Tom. Tom has been doing comedy the longest and has the rapid-fire approach that keeps the crowds on their toes. I am not sure they even get all his jokes because they are still laughing from the ones they just heard.
I went up to each of the other comics and told them this is why we are here. Let us make it the best show yet. And we did. It was a very exciting feeling to know these people, these soldiers away from home and making Operation Iraqi Freedom a reality, were sitting on the ground and longing for laughter.
I positioned my camera atop a small table about 125 feet from the stage. Since it was an outdoor venue I knew the laughter would be hard to capture. Sure they would laugh but it would go right into the atmosphere versus bouncing off one another or the walls like at a comedy club.
In my set I included a story told to us by Captain Freeman upon his escorting us to our quarters. Last month a group of gorgeous girls called the Perfect Angels visited Iraq. While on the bus they were told of the 4,000-year-old Pagan temple that still sits near the base and how this was also the birthplace of Abraham. One of the girls tilted her head and with complete honesty said LINCOLN? Amazing. I retold the story and got a huge response. I also added the line YES HONEY, ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS AN OLD TESTAMENT PROPHET AND AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT. NEVER YOU MIND THE ILLINOIS LICENSE PLATE – FOR IRAQ IS REALLY THE LAND OF LINCOLN.
We took lots of pictures after the show and shook many a hand. It was weird posing with people who had guns strapped around them. And simultaneous smiles. You do not generally correlate smiles with guns. Unless you are at a military comedy show.
Time for breakfast and I have to meet Captain Freeman in order to put this entry and some pics on the website. Plenty more to come over the next few days. Thanks for visiting. Please tell your friends. God Bless.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
12:36 PM
After second Kuwait show, leaving early Friday
Wow was it hot in there. Standing room only. We stood in the back and could barely see each other on stage. I've been told Net access might be hard to come by in Iraq, so this may be my last post for a few days. If I can write, I probably won't be uploading any more pictures, but you never know.
The show was okay even though I fumbled through some stuff. They seemed to really enjoy things. I need to head out and meet the rest of the comics to shake hands and thank the troops.
Have a great weekend. Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. They're doing a great job here and appreciate all your support.
6:12 AM
First full day in Kuwait
Outside the Mayor's Cell at Camp Spearhead, Kuwait.
An Apache helicopter used in the Iraqi war.
Damaged Humvees from the Iraqi war.
A long way from home here in Kuwait.
During my set at Camp Spearhead, Kuwait. It was in the DFac and about 100 troops attended.
Hydro, on my left, escorted us to a tour of a Naval Ship. This young lady was on her way to play some basketball but made time for a picture.
Some troops who enjoyed last night's show.
Major Austin headed the tour of the Naval ship, Gillian.
A badly damaged Humvee from the recent war, complete with bullet holes and those left from schrapnel.
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Just before 2 am Wednesday night. We ate a little while ago and are now winding down. Lamar is already asleep, Steve is on the phone back to Rochester, New York trying to find someone to check his cell phone voicemail. We both have Sprint and use a calling card to call the States. However, when we press the star key to get into our voicemail, it readies to dial another number. You would think each of us had expectant wives at home instead of drunk messages from random friends. The same friends whose emails we read.
Tom just hung up with his wife in a West Virginia farm. He is 44 and been married 14 years. Lamar has been married 18 months and Steve was once engaged. Captain Josh is married and his wife is in her homeland of Chile, due in August with their second child. Rich is also married with a daughter.
We had a midnight snack at the Dfac. I opted for something somewhat healthy in eating an orange and cereal, Frosted Flakes to be exact. Take away the sugar coating and the flakes are good for you I suspect. I also had some coffee and what seems like my 12th bottle of water in the last 2 days. Rich says staying hydrated is the most crucial thing in this hot and humid climate. It reached 97 today and more of the same is in store for the rest of the week. We leave in a day and a half, though.
Our first show was tonight, some 7 hours ago. We spent the first part of the day checking email at an office across the street from our quarters. We then hit the local shopping area on base and grabbed some necessities and lunch. I picked up 2 washcloths, an extra toothbrush and some Army shorts. They are black with ARMY on the front left thigh. I failed to bring any comfy athletic shorts in which to sleep or workout. I though these would suffice, but they are swim trunks and do not work well with my boxer briefs. Still, I have another pair of shorts for the hot Chicago summer of 2005.
After lunch and email time ended, we toured the Naval ship Gillian, used to transport military vehicles such as helicopters, Humvees and cargo trucks. Most of the Humvees were badly damaged in the Iraqi war and their salvageable parts will be used to rebuild other vehicles. Dozens of them were lined up inside and on the outside of Gillians decks, resembling that of a combat graveyard. Bullet holes and shrapnel aftermaths dressed the sides of the Humvees, windows shattered and doors made to look like Swiss cheese. Tires were flat, engines were torn apart and some parts were undetectable. At least by me, the same guy who barely knows where the oil dipstick is in a Geo Prizm.
Some of the helicopters had us in awe, especially the Apaches, the ones used to fire in combat. One even had sharp teeth painted on the sides to resemble a shark. The transport copters, called Chinooks, were packed tightly and unable to be seen by us. We had to walk sideways through the Gillian just to get by the trucks and heavy chains securing the vehicles in place. It took Major Austin and his crew 50 hours to completely pack the vessel. It was take 28-30 days, nonstop, for the Gillian to travel back to America and dock at a Virginia Naval Base.
We climbed steep stairs to get to the control deck and then back down and around the trucks and chains. With video and digital cameras in hand, our journeys were more difficult than normal. After the tour we headed to the Dfac at Camp Spearhead for dinner. We ate on the side opposite where our show would be but in the same building. Dinner was a Philly cheesesteak, some onion rings, some Italian pasta salad, a lettuce and tomato house salad, and baked beans.
After dinner we headed across the base to check email yet again. The connection was very slow at the National Guard office, so we mostly hung out and visited with troops and other officials. I found a bench outside and attempted a quick nap. That was nixed when some guys came out for a smoke break. They were dressed in civilian clothes. I didn’t ask who they were and instead nodded hello toward them.
The other comedians didn’t know what to expect from a military show overseas. Having done about a dozen in Japan and Korea, I was somewhat prepared. However this tour in Kuwait and Iraq will be alcohol free, so the people won’t be as loose as we’re used to. Surely they want to laugh and appreciate our efforts, but without some booze they’re just not as relaxed.
Lamar opened the show followed by Steve, then me, and then Tom closed. It went very well. Lamar incorporated a lot of material indigenous with the military and they ate it up. The great thing is that it was all part of his regular act, a very clean, clever and impressive set. I began to fret a little because I had very few military oriented jokes. Even though I had done similar shows in the past, I hadn’t prepared special material. I figured they would appreciate jokes catered to them while also enjoying stuff on the other end of lifes spectrum.
Steve did very well also, talking about dating and how tough it must be in the service. Before the show we walked by and male soldier talking to a female soldier outside of her tent marked FEMALE TENT. Steve alluded to the fact that if you cannot close a deal with a girl in the middle of the desert then your game is in question. The crowd roared with laughter and even clapped and lifted a bit off their chairs. I guess the beerless factor wasn’t an issue after all.
I had seen Lamar and Steve do well and was sweating a bit, pacing in the back of the room but also cheering them on. My gray Aurora University baseball shirt would afford a view of the wet armpits if I continued to worry. You are here for them to make them laugh, I though to myself. Things will be fine. I knew that but with this being the first show you never can tell.
My opening was the typical bald white guys with shaven heads. Many of the military have my look and I have been asked if I was military. Nope, I’m just f*%ing bald. They laughed and I was off to a good start. My only successful military reference came when making fun of the Air Force, the branch that arguably does the least amount of physical labor. I learned of this while at Korea’s Camp Osan Air Force Base. The crowd last night erupted and THEN I asked if any Air Force members were there. Luckily there were none. A few other local jokes fell flat, especially the one about the smell of fart as soon as we got off the airplane. I asked everyone in the car if they had farted and they all said no. Then I asked aloud WELL WHO DID IT THEN? THE PERSIAN GULF he said. They did not laugh. I was trying to say it stunk like ass because the Persian Gulf had some gas. Actually, it has lots of gas, but none of the flatulent nature apparently. The other bomb of a joke was when I mentioned writing emails home to my mom. DEAR MOM. IT HOT HERE TODAY. DONE NOTHING MUCH EXCEPT EAT AND VISIT A BIG SHIP. OH YEAH, I HAVE ONLY GAGGED THREE TIMES IN THE PORT-O-POTTIES TODAY. They didn’t make even a sound until I acted out the gagging and dry heaving. I used the potties three times yesterday and was amazed that I did not hurl while peeing. Yuck.
After the show we handed out the 8 by 10 posters we signed the night before along with Comics On Duty patches. Most of the crowd came up to thank us, shake our hands and get some free swag. We took some pictures, exchanged a few emails and were back in the trucks by 10 pm. I slept in the backseat most of the way home, almost peeing my pants in the process. Ron, the driver and sound guy, had only been on the job a few weeks and got lost. Normally I would not have minded the unexpected tour, but my pebble sized bladder was not on the same page. I was actually hoping for a Port-O-Potty.
It is now very late and everyone is asleep. I am just outside of my room where the other three comedians are. Rich is sleeping a few feet away and I hope my laptop light is not bothering him. The light from the bathroom behind me is serving as my only light. Tomorrow is our last show in Kuwait, and then on to Iraq come Friday.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
4:00 AM
Thoughts en route to Kuwait
This was the cocktail setup for my Jack & Coke in 'Dam.
With Maya just before we boarded in Detroit heading to 'Dam.
With Rich Davis enjoying a Holland-brewed Heineken in 'Dam.
Ashley, the Pink Panther lover, slept often on the 7-hour jaunt to 'Dam.
I'm almost famous. At least in the Middle East.
I’m on the flight to Kuwait, 5 hours in the air. Before they finished boarding I was asleep. I slept for maybe 2 hours Sunday night and then on and off during the 7-hour flight to Amsterdam; I needed the sleep. Luckily I just awoke in time for dinner, some tasty pasta, at least for airline standards, and a strawberry cake kind of dessert.
We spent the whole time in Amsterdam in the airport at the bar. Rich has been producing Comics on Duty for 13 years and knows the bartenders by name there.
(My laptop just detected a wireless Internet connection but to no avail. I didn’t think so, but being almost 40,000 feet in the air, it’s worth a try. Besides, this battery life is a joke. The computer has a wide screen and DVD player but last about as long as I did on prom night.)
All four of us comedians have never done this tour before. I’m the only one to even travel overseas for a military tour. But this one is unlike those in my past. I only traveled with one guy and we weren’t escorted by someone 24-7. We also weren’t heading into a war zone.
As we enjoyed cocktails and coffees at the elbow of the bar, Rich told us we would hear gunfire all day while in Iraq. It would be off in the distance but it would still be audible. Kinda came as a wake up call. Or maybe he simply wanted to see our reactions.
Tom, Lamar and Rich are married while Steve and I are bald, single and white. Steve wears a hat a lot and I like to get the head tan as you well know. There should be such an opportunity over the next few weeks. He and I worked together once in South Bend, Indiana at the Funny Bone. He was the feature act for the week and I stopped in to do a guest spot on a Tuesday night. We talked briefly, even about this tour and how we’d like to be on it some day. Well here we are.
Last September I worked with Tom on a run through west-central Indiana and central Illinois over 5 days. I had mentioned this tour to him a few years back and here we are. Lamar I have never worked with. However, he and I were strongly referred by fellow comedian and good friend Warren B. Hall. His neck’s on the line so to speak.
I still can’t believe I missed my flight from Chicago to Amsterdam and instead ended up on the same flight as the rest of the crew in Detroit. Rich looked at me when I got on board as if I was an alien. I explained things to him across the aisle of people and all was okay. We talked a little but nothing that made a significant difference. He and Tom sat next to one another and I was about 5 people down, all across the same row. After we took off there was some head gesturing and smiling but no conversation. I guess I could’ve flown alone with the same effect, but there was something relieving about being with your whole group, any group.
Rich gave us a breakdown of how the shows will be and what kind of material will work. There’s no need for political bashing or excessive cursing. Sure mostly men will be there, some of whom haven’t been laid in months, but it’s still the government. I know, I know – our last President used an intern’s vagina for a humidor but that still doesn’t make gratuitous sex jokes acceptable. At least not on stage.
We don’t know the line up for sure, but Rich alluded that it might be like our names appear on the posters: Lamar, Steve, me, Tom. We’ll see about that. Sometimes things switch around he said.
The one thing Rich stressed the most is that this isn’t a one-person show. It’s not even about the four of us comedians. It’s about the whole Comics On Duty tour, including those before us and those to follow. We need to package our best 20-25 minutes of material and leave it all on stage. He then added that people will want our autographs and will want to shake our hands and talk with us after our shows; it may even be right after our sets while another guy is on stage.
The other times I’ve done military tours they were more than appreciative. Although some bases allowed the soldiers to have their spouses and families there, they were still grateful. Unless these soldiers have family in their platoon, there will only be pictures and emails from families. Whatever we bring to the table is pure gravy to them.
I wanted to bring things to give away but didn’t have any room left in my bags. Besides, I didn’t wanna overdo it this being my first time. I’ll get a feel for how things work and figure out what to bring next time.
They’re having trouble with the TV on board and the music selection they provide sucks. The airline headphones are plastic and covered with no padding whatsoever. If I wear them and fall asleep, I will surely wake up with bleeding ears. Their’s are also double-pronged, so mine won’t fit their input. I have no Ipod or CD player aside from what’s on this laptop. I know that if I play a CD or DVD on here the battery will die even faster than with just typing.
My teeth are fuzzy. I haven’t brushed them in 24 hours, minus the 6 hours we’re ahead of America. At least we were in Amsterdam; not sure what Kuwait time will be. Instead of buying a toothbrush in the airport, I spent $13.20 to get online, write on my site and email a few people. I also snagged a box of Cuban cigars to share with some friends back home. I know Mike and Tanya at Wrigley along with my roommate John will surely enjoy an authentic Cubano stogie.
Then I came down from the Internet café to see Lamar online at the bar. WiFi was available right there, so I quickly whipped out my machine and added a photo to my first Daily Derenger. I also have others with the Polish girl I met, the Navy lady who loved pink, the gorgeous brunette flight attendant in Amsterdam, and other randoms that you’ll likely never see.
No one is sitting next to me, and the audio and video is still out on board. I’m taking this opportunity to read and sleep some more. We’ll probably eat and get a welcoming tour once in Kuwait. I’ll write more come morning.
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