Tuesday, February 22, 2005
3:15 AM

This is how I left the apartment last week. Things are now strewn about the joint and the living room is no longer adjacent to my bedroom. Just tried to give a perpective of things. I may buy the blue furniture from them, depending on when I move and how big my place will be. And yes, that is my dome in the bottom of the picture. I never claimed to be the best photographer.

As much room-swapping as they've done, never has their bedroom been in the hallway outside of the neighbor's front door. But on this night Erin had other thoughts.

Once inside our apartment, Erin managed to remove her coat and enjoy the comfort of the hardwood floor. If only Marley was like a St. Bernard in the cartoons, he could give her something to drink to get her revived. Hopefully not liquor. But as it was, he looked on helpessly, thanking the canine gods that dogs don't like wine. Or Crown Royal.

This was yesterday. The sink broke after John stood on it to paint the ceiling. I found that hard to believe, especially since I've done much worse things on a sink and with much heavier people than John and sinks have withstood the impact ... and the sights. But, like most of the other stuff in our apartment, the sink was cheap and seemingly installed by a two-fingered, one-armed blind man.

The bathroom is now a purplish-gray color and looks nice. Erin seems to love it. I had to shit something fierce as John was in mid-roll with the paint. I walked off the cramps as much as I could and then, as I was ready to explode, John okayed my usage of the bathroom.

"It's all yours," he said. And with that I darted in and let the dogs loose. Painful and with eyes watering, I began to curse myself.

"You're such a dumbass. Why the hell do you need spicy shit on everything? Your body is telling you something. Stop with the hot peppers, crushed red pepper flakes and tabasco sauce on everything. You're not fuckin' Mexican. You have no kids and no tinted windows in your car. You're not even close. Although you do have a Jesus candle on your desk."

They planned to have the bathroom done before they went to bed. It's currently 3:45 a.m. and I'm guessing they're still at it, not because they don't know what they're doing but because there's so much to do in every room. Okay, so maybe I don't think re-attaching the plumbing and light fixtures is exactly their specialty, but what do I know? Very little to be exact and you wouldn't catch me dead trying to learn. Well, if you caught me dead it would be because I didn't know what I was doing. And that's why it's better that I'm down in Joliet instead of in their way.

It's very late and I need to sleep. More stories about the Nick and Jessica knock-offs later.