Monday, December 13, 2004



<br>
3:26 PM<br> 
<strong>The S.S. Floating Wal-Mart</strong><br /><br />The time has come to tell the story, mostly in pictures and captions, of my 30th Birthday cruise. Again, it wasn't for my birthday. It was for John's 30th, arranged by his wife, Erin. i was simply glad to be a part of things. A great time was had by all.<br /><br /><img style="WIDTH: 453px; HEIGHT: 229px" height="234" src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_DrDGroup.jpg" width="473" /><br />This is John Valby a.k.a Dr. Dirty, perhaps the biggest influence on my sick and twisted comedy. From L-R is me, Ron, Dr. D, Jeremy, and John. Ron and Jeremy used to be really close and even worked together. Legend has it they would be summoned over the loudspeaker as "Ron, Jeremy, we need you in the office" or something similar. Ron Jeremy is a well known porn star, so that's fuckin' hilarious for any of you prudes reading this. It's taken me about 6 hours to finally complete the uploading process, so I hope you enjoy. If not, tough shit.<br /><br />I had hoped to do a short set while we stayed the night in Orlando. This is at a brand new Improv, the biggest chain of comedy clubs in the land. Little did I know that Dr. D would be there. 10 years ago the four of us guys went to Toronto for Spring Break to see the Sox play the Jays to open the 1994 MLB season. To hang out with them 10 years later was great. Seeing the Dr. was even greater yet. I wrote a disgusting verse of "My Favorite Things" and Dr. D sang it, appearing to like it. I've since sent him the whole song but have yet to hear back from him.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_DrChick.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />This chick not only flashed twice (I saw both times, thanks for the birthday gift) but then she got on stage, bent over, and showed the crowd her green thong worn under her skirt. I love a good clean skank.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_JohnPee.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />To say John had a lot to drink on my birthday would be a disservice to alcoholics everywhere. He was hammered and tried to register in a way unlike any I'd ever seen before. Later that night he pissed off his wife by pissing in his suitcase. Okay, so it wasn't directly in the suitcase as he peed on the very clothes he's wearing in this picture, but pee got on the suitcase nonetheless. Had he peed on Erin's clothes the cruise would've taken on a whole different feel. And I would be assuredly minus a roommate.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_poop.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />Before we did anything productive once on board, Mark shat. Thankfully in the toilet and not his suitcase, for that was filled with condoms and scotch. The toilets in our rooms were similar to those on an airplane. If you flushed while still seated, your balls would be sucked from your sac like they were placed in an industrial strength Shop Vac. Mark's log stuck to the side of the bowl and without much water pressure upon flushing, it stayed there 'till the housekeeper cleaned it off while yakking on the floor in the process. Not even John's furious stream of drunken unrine would've budged the fudge. Perhaps a power sprayer from a do-it-yourself car wash maybe, but that's about it. Yuck.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_vests.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />Standard procedure, so they say, is to gather in a hot room and look like a bunch of fuckin' idiots. Erin, John and co. had done this on other cruises. I had not.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_PearsonVest.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />Apparently Mark wasn't a fan on the life vests, either.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_GayMark1.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />The running joke on the cruise was Mark and I. Our group consisted of 14 people - 6 couples and us. While the couples would hang together and fornicate before they got seasick, we would tried to appear as if we were having a good time. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em I guess. This was taken during the first of 3 very good dinners, all of which saw me order 2 main courses: prime rib and lobster tail; beef wellington and something I've forgotten; filet mignon and scallops. Yum yum.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_MeIsLadies.jpg" width="307" height="295" /><br />Day 2 of the cruise was the by far the most fun. We spent hours on the beach, fighting waves and drinking. L-R is Sara, Isaac, Nancy, me, Cyndi. Nancy is Erin's mom and Cyndi and Erin's sister-in-law. That's Erin with the straw hat and Sara on her lap.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_IsSar.jpg" width="338" height="277" /><br />Issac and Sara were the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston of the entire cruise, not just our group. I thought a great prize would be auctioning off Sara's bikini bottoms at the end of the cruise. Or even her top. Hell, I'd settle for any surface on which she sat. The sad thing is that she's such a nice, humble wholesome woman and I'm such a fuckin' scumbag. Sara's a lead dancer and choreographer for Michael Flatley's <em>Lord of the Dance</em>. Issac and John used to work together in Las Vegas. It was my first time meeting them and they were fun to hang out with. I want you to know that I didn't take this picture. Had I done so, the zoom would've been used to the max as well as the boyfriend elimination feature. Hot mama!<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_PearsonSleep.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />After a few drinks Mark decided he had been awake long enough. However, his drink coconut wasn't quite finished, so he rested it atop his belly and took a nap. Or he just took a priceless pose for this shot.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_REJmark.jpg" width="394" height="273" /><br />Ron, Erica and John. That's Mark's head in the background, too.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_JohnMarkGlasses.jpg" width="318" height="258" /><br />This is what happens after you jump into the ocean with sunglasses still on your head. Sure you took them off and held them as you hit the waves, but hello, the waves kick your ass! Mark and John looked for Mark's glasses but to no avail. Fortunately some bald guy with horrible vision but with enough common sense to not wear sunglasses in the ocean found them. Seriously, almost 2 hours after the glasses were lost I stumbled on them. The water was clear enough to see to the bottom and I didn't even need my glasses to see them. Hooray. I figured they simply sank to the bottom and had to be around somewhere. And they were. I ran outta the ocean like I had found a million bucks instead of a pair of Ray Bans. What can I say?<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_JohnBeachKick.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />I'm not too sure what's happening here. Mark appears to have been tackled by Mother Nature while John readies himself to Karate Kid kick the oncoming wave. Idiot. Didn't he see what the water did to the fat guy gasping for breath just inches from him?<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_MarkJohnBeachHead.jpg" width="262" height="272" /><br />As uncertain as I was in the above shot, I am more uncertain in this one. Actually, I was appalled. How could Mark do this to me? And to John. I thought we had something special. I thought we could work things out and be a couple like everyone else in our group. Asshole. As it was, Erin was off with an isand boy and Mark was John's best option.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_MyShorts.jpg" width="263" height="284" /><br />With every attempt to attack the wave came the inevitable planting of my body beneath the water and into the ground. I was lucky to only suffer some scratches on my back and arms from the sand. As the hits piled up, so too did the sand in my shorts. By the end of the day my balls had been exfoliated enough to last a lifetime. Bath & Body works had nothing on the Atlantic Ocean. I didn't gauge how close I was to John, Erin and Mark, all of whom were in the ocean near me. With my shorts in my hand, I announced that I had enough of the sand in my shorts, waving them about. Like I was a baby seal and they were a trio of killer whales, the teamed up to wrestle my helpless shorts away, leaving me naked in the ocean. It was funny at first, my shorts on the beach with them all laughing. But when they began to dangle them like I was a bull and the shorts were a cape (like in the picture above), I turned sour. That and without my glasses on I couldn't really see them well. Other people on the beach, complete strangers, quickly caught on to what was happening. They, too, were on vacation and the site of a naked man walking from the water and onto the beach would make for a memorable trip. The group to our left was from Europe. "Come on, make an old lady's day," said a lady with a funny accent who was surely a bit moist from the anticipation of seeing shrunken rod.<br /><br />You would think this to be no big deal to me, a guy who talks dirty to strangers all over the country. I was pouting and yelling that I wanted my shorts back, but no one would bring them. Instead, I accumulated enough seaweed and such to make into a nice loin cloth. I did inch a bit too close to the shallow waters and showed my ass a few times. Such a rebel I am. Eventually Mark threw my shorts back in the water and I pounced on them. I guess he felt badly about forcing a fellatio-like moment from John earlier.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_AtlFish.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />This is an underwater walkway at the Atlantis Resort. Pretty amazing stuff.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_CigsFish.jpg" width="314" height="228" /><br />I think people tend to obey these kinds of signs. Make 'em laugh and they'll listen. But what do I know, I don't smoke.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_AtlMe.jpg" width="382" height="239" /><br />The resort was phenomenal. You had to show your room key and because we weren't staying there we couldn't get too far. Unless we went in the back way. (Sounds dirty, I know.)<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_AtlRays.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />You could literally go up and touch these sting rays in Atlantis. I saw no need to do this however. Taking a picture was risky enough.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_Captian.jpg" width="394" height="269" /><br />Man I take some horrible pictures. You would think that I would have one redeeming physical quality stashed away somewhere. Even though we were exhausted after playing on the beach, we dressed up nicely for the evening. The boat was docked so the seasickness wasn't an issue. That's the Captain of the ship, some Italian guy who looked a little like Dorthy's ex-husband, Stan, from <em>The Golden Girls</em>.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_dance.jpg" width="426" height="245" /><br />Although I smelled good and didn't want to just sit and watch, Mark wouldn't dance with me. If I didn't ShaveMyHead for a week or so, I'd look like the guy in the bottom of this shot.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_SuitsBoys.jpg" width="441" height="238" /><br />Most of the boys hanging out on the deck after dinner. L-R John, Isaac, Mark Sr. (Erin's step-father), Jeremy, me, Mark and Mark Jr. (Mark Sr.'s son, duh?).<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_LadiesDresses.jpg" width="388" height="218" /><br />All the ladies except Erica. Our entire group was never together much, aside from the ride to and from the boat. L-R Ka'tai (Jeremy's wife), Nancy, Sara, Erin, and Cyndi.<br /><br /><img height="233" src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_groupBlur.jpg" width="442" /><br />We're nearly all together, looking nice and dapper, and some douchebag can't take the fuckin' picture. It would be a foreshadowing of the night as most everyone was quite hammered and looked blurry anyway. I guess I'm the bitch since I'm standing in front with the other ladies.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_4cigars.jpg" width="380" height="268" /><br />Mark bought us some alleged Cuban cigars. I wasn't there when they were purchased nor picked in the fields. I do know that I was plenty buzzed after smoking the thing, though.<br /><br /><img height="266" src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_limbo.jpg" width="441" /><br />Ka'tai limbos down, complete with heels on a wet, wooden deck. Quite impressive.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_IceCream.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />I make a damn good soft-serve ice cream cone. John and Mark thought so as well so on the last day I made them each one. Couldn't I have something else to be proud of? I had turned 30 and here I was bragging that I can make a nice looking ice cream cone. Pathetic. Now that's a professional douchebag for ya.<br /><br /><img style="WIDTH: 456px; HEIGHT: 174px" height="188" src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_hairychest.jpg" width="473" /><br />Doesn't say much when the final day is highlighted by a men's hairy chest contest. I have to specify men's since some choice women could've given the guys a run for their money. The dude in the multi-colored shorts won. Yep, I stuck around to see who the winner would be AND I took pics. What a loser.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_gas.jpg" width="424" height="233" /><br />After three days of buffet/truckstop-like food, I had kept it in long enough. A perfect time to unleash was while playing cards across from the casino. If they were all about smoking while playing poker then I saw no difference.<br /><br /><img style="WIDTH: 454px; HEIGHT: 261px" height="335" src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_groupDinner.jpg" width="454" /><br />Our version of the last supper. Mark Jr. was absent 'cause he was loaded like a baked potato. However, we replaced him with our hilarious and efficient waiter, Victor from Honduras. We had him take care of us all three night. Victor made our dining experience quite enjoyable.<br /><br /><br /><img height="252" src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_ymca.jpg" width="462" /><br />Yes it is. A watered down version of a Vegas act saw them do the YMCA. I was a bit buzzed and very tired, but enjoyed it nonetheless. The boat starting rockin' and I was amazed that I didn't hurl.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_horses.jpg" width="461" height="253" /><br />I was even more amazed that I didn't hurl at the site of this shit. There are live humans under those horse heads. And if that wasn't enough their next trick was having 2 people team up to make a giant cow slumber around the stage. I was in awe and couldn't gather myself to get a photo of the cow. Sorry. Between Nancy, Sara and Erin and even my lame stage antics, we had seen and been in some live shows, the ladies more so, though. It was pure hilarity. We're still not sure how much acid the talent and the costume designers did during production of the show.<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_honeyMoon.jpg" width="303" height="360" /><br />The final night ended with this surprise in mine and Mark's room. Erin thought it quite funny to pay to have our room decorated in "Happy Honeymoon" bullshit. It was her husband's 30th birthday cruise yet she spent some 35 bucks on this. She loved it. I barely managed to stay awake long enough for this photo.<br /><br /><img style="WIDTH: 460px; HEIGHT: 235px" height="259" src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_groupAirport.jpg" width="482" /><br />One last group shot at the Orlando airport. How happy do we look to leave?<br /><br /><img src="http://www.shaveyourhead.com/2004_Pictures/June1st/1213_erinlaff.jpg" width="320" height="240" /><br />Once inside the airport Erin enjoyed looking at my camera, particularly the shots of Mark and I. Whatever it takes to make the ladies laugh. I'm certain the other patrons in Chili's thought she was hammered. And why not? Look at all the fun she was bidding farewell!<br /><br /><br /><br />
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