Friday, October 22, 2004



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10:00 AM<br> 
(Right from the <strong>Daily Derenger</strong> archives.  <br /><br /><em><strong>21 Ways To Be An Asshole</strong></em><br /><br />7/17/2003<br /><br />The next 4 entries to the Daily Derenger will come in installments. Each will<br />contain 5 bits of advice as part of a random e-mail sent my way. Keeping up with<br />my style of perverse sarcasm, I have included the advice along with my<br />commentary, printed in italics. Please read on and enjoy.<br /><br /><br />ONE: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.<br /><br />This especially includes oral sex.<br /><br /><br />TWO: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,<br />their conversational skills will be as important as any other.<br /><br />But if you're deaf, who the fuck cares what she has to say? And if she has no<br />teeth, refer to number one.<br /><br /><br />THREE: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep<br />all you want.<br /><br />Don't cut fresh jalapenos and then scratch your balls either. You will cry<br />yourself to sleep. <br /><br /><br />FOUR: When you say," I love you." mean it.<br /><br />Especially if this will assure you sleeping with her and her best friend,<br />Destiny.<br /><br /><br />FIVE: When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.<br /><br />Unless they're blind. In that case, flick them off repeatedly while sticking<br />your other hand's thumb in your ear, but maintain a sincere voice in your<br />apology. And tease his dog a little, too. Dangle some bacon near it.<br /><br /><br />SIX: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.<br /><br />Or for just a few weeks if you forgot to pull out.<br /><br /><br />SEVEN: Believe in love at first sight.<br /><br />Especially if you're only in town for one night and last call is near.<br /><br /><br />EIGHT: Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have<br />dreams don't have much.<br /><br />But it's okay to laugh at anyone's wet dreams, unless it's you and you're<br />sleeping beside this girl for the first time.<br /><br />NINE: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's<br />the only way to live completely.<br /><br />Tina Turner thought the same thing. Or just stop dating guys with huge deeply<br />penetrating pee-pees. In these cases, size does matter. We know where the limp<br />comes from.<br /><br /><br />TEN: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.<br /><br />Except whore, bitch and cunt. The same can be used when referencing her friends<br />who dislike you.<br /><br /><br />ELEVEN: Don't judge people by their relatives.<br /><br />Unless they are sleeping with some of them.<br /><br /><br />TWELVE: Talk slowly but think quickly.<br /><br />Especially when there's a lot of booze involved.<br /><br /><br />THIRTEEN: When someone asks you a question you don't want to<br />answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"<br /><br />And then tell them about your affinity for frozen grapes shoved up your ass.<br /><br /><br />FOURTEEN: Remember that great love and great achievements<br />involve great risk.<br /><br />This includes sex with triplets at a bank. <br /><br /><br />FIFTEEN: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.<br /><br />Unless you see some of it land on you, then hack on their pants.<br /><br /><br />SIXTEEN: When you lose, don't lose the lesson.<br /><br />Especially if the lesson involved spending money on dinner, drinks, dancing and<br />then no fellatio.<br /><br /><br />SEVENTEEN: Remember the three R's; Respect for self; Respect<br />for others;and Responsibility for all your actions.<br /><br />And rectal stimulation, the long-lost fourth R.<br /><br />EIGHTEEN: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.<br /><br />Have some sex to clear things up.<br /><br /><br />NINETEEN: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to<br />correct it. <br /><br />Wash the sheets and tell her you'll never try that again.<br /><br /><br />TWENTY: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.<br /><br />Caller-ID has prevented picking up many calls, let alone smiling.<br /><br /><br />TWENTY-ONE: Spend some time alone.<br /><br />Buy lots of lotion or lube of your choice and lock the door. Have fun!<br /><br /><br />Thanks for the feedback, Steve from Minneapolis!
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004



<br>
4:05 PM<br> 
<strong>A Weekend of Civil and Trojan War</strong><br /><br />I wasn't planning on doing much of anything last Saturday.  Neither was the Arizona State University football team.  The No. 19 ranked Sun Devils got embarrassed 45-7 at the hands of the University of Southern Cal Trojans, the No. 1 ranked team in the land.<br /><br />My roommate, John, is an ASU alum.  So, like many of the college grads of big-time universities who now live in Chicago, John went to Joe's Bar on Weed Street to watch the game.  I was invited, too.  I didn't plan on drinking that much, but figured it was early - a 2:30 p.m. kickoff - and I would pace and ready myself for my 7:30 show later that night.<br /><br />Having lived right down the street from ASU's Tempe campus, I had some fan-like clothing to wear.  At one time.  On Saturday I couldn't find any of it.  As a result I was going to wear as much non-ASU or USC gear as possible.  I flung around numerous t-shirts: a few from the University of Michigan; a U of Illinois sweatshirt; a gray, oversized U of Nebraska Band shirt, but nothing hit the spot.  Then the no-brainer came up - why not go Ivy League?  And that I did.  I sported my maroon Harvard t-shirt, complete with white lettering and Harvard misspelled - on purpose.  HAHVAHD, spelled the way people from there and the people who make fun of the people from there say it.  Like FAHT, or PAHK, I guess.  Whatever the case, New Englanders talk funny.  And I love it.<br /><br />John and I walked in and I began to yell.<br /><br />"Where the hell's the group from Hahvahd?  Let's go Crimson, let's go!"<br /><br />I had no idea who or if they were actually playing at all.  I wasn't even sure if Harvard had a football team.<br /><br />The ASU game was on in a seperate room in the back.  You could access it from 2 different ways, but it wasn't a part of the the main room nor the front room, rooms that featured a ton of giant screen TVs.  The ASU room had a bunch, too, but was considerably smaller, as a whole, than the others.<br /><br />We looked around for a few minutes, trying to figure out where to sit.  The Florida game was just over and since it was shown in the same room as the ASU game would be, some of the Gator fans were filing out.<br /><br />"Is anyone sitting here?" John asked a guy seated at a hi-top table.  There were 2 empty stools at his table and John began to remove one.<br /><br />"Well, shit.  Do you mind if we sit with you?" John asked since the guy was wearing a light gray ASU sweatshirt.  He had no problems and welcomed us to sit down.  His name was Scott, a 2002 ASU grad working in Milwaukee for General Mills.  <br /><br />"I haven't been able to see any of the games up there," Scott said, speaking of ASU games not being televised nationally.  "It was just under an hour to get down here, so I figured what the hell."
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