Friday, September 17, 2004



<br>
3:31 AM<br> 
<strong>Life in a LeMans, Ranger, Lumina and a Prizm from 1990-2004.</strong><br /><br />(A chronilogical list of mishaps with me and my cars.  If I've forgotten any, please let me know.)<br /><br />-3 accidents in 8 days in my '88 Pontiac LeMans back in the Summer of '93, freshly  outta high school.  Didn't receive a ticket for any of 'em!<br /><br />-Blowing the transmission in my '92 Ford Ranger after arguing with my girlfriend.  At least something got blown that night.<br /><br />-Driving off with the gas hose still in the gas tank in Albuquerque, New Mexico back in January of '97.  I was gawking at some hot chick and was obviously distracted.  Mom was in the passenger seat and laughed the rest of the way to Phoenix.<br /><br />-Failing to acknowledge the "check engine" and "low oil" lights for two weeks in Phoenix.  Engine of the '92 Chevy Lumina seized and over $5000 later it was rebuilt.  Road a bike everywhere for about three months.<br /><br />-After the engine was rebuilt the A/C was broken - no freon.  Drove around in the Summer of '98 with no A/C, living in the Phoenix desert mind you.  Not many people needed a ride.<br /><br />-Summer '99.  Had no idea how to drive a 5-speed.  Girlfriend at the time moved back to Pennsylvania from Arizona in her manual Honda Civic.  Her dad flew out to drive home with her.  I guess I could've learned but instead I only saw her once more.  Now she's married with a kid and one on the way, living in Virginia Beach.  I've since taught my sister and another girlfriend to drive stick.  So there!<br /><br />-Some time in the Spring of 2000 I got car insurance on my own for the first time ever.  I was 26 and surely celebrated by drinking and driving.  No it's not funny but neither is having your step-father pay your insurance.<br /><br />-February '01.  Lumina on its last leg.  Or wheel.  Had to stand on its roof to shovel it out from under two feet of snow in Chicago.  Overheated daily.  Listed it on-line to sell for $1,500.  Guy comes to look at it, offers me $500 cash.  I say no way.  He counters with $600.  I say hell yes and take the cash.  What I lack in car upkeep I also lack in sales negotiations apparently.<br /><br />-February '01.  Manage to get a loan to buy a new car, a '97 Geo Prizm with 52,000 miles.  Yeah, I know - it wasn't new.  But it was to me and it helped out my friend, Matt, who sold me the lemon.  Had manual transmission but I was willing to learn.  I wasn't going to lose another chick over it.  Basically taught myself to drive stick while living in the city.  Parallel parking was a bitch for awhile.<br /><br />-April '01.  Still new to driving stick, I stop by my dry cleaners to pick up shirts before work.  Damn heavily starched things, along with cardboard-like aprons.  (Eventually tossed them all in a dumpster in suburban Detroit when the uniforms changed.)  Upon coming out of the cleaners I see that my car is gone, no where to be found.  I freak out, thinking someone has stolen my new Prizm.  I look across the street and there she is.  I forgot to put on the parking brake and she rolled backwards out of the lot, through four lanes of traffic until her back tires slammed against a curb.  No damage other than a smashed exhaust pipe that gave the effect of driving a motorcycle for the next 14 months.<br /><br />-October '01.  Moved from a year-long stint in Chicago's Lakeview neighborhood to yuppie Lincoln Park.  Took my waitering and comedic ass, along with the Prizm, to an apartment with three engineers as roommates.  On the first day I move in I illegally park the Prizm on the sidewalk across the street from my new place.  She's packed with boxes of miscellaneous junk.  My girlfriend has a bad back and simply watches me haul shit up the stairs, occasionally lifting a pillow or blanket along the way.  Again forgetting to put on the parking brake, the Prizm rolls forward and smashes into a parked car.  Its owners are right there, helping their recently graduated son into his new place.  I cuss aloud and my new neighbor, his parents and my girlfriend claim to not know me.  Left a few days later for a 7-week, 13,000 mile comedy tour that spanned from Omaha to San Diego to Denver to Birmingham to Daytona Beach and then home.<br /><br />-September '02.  Accumulate enough parking tickets to get a $460 yellow boot on my car.  You think for that much they'd at least put a matching one on the other side.  Had no money and also had a 5-week cross-country road trip lined up.  Put it on a credit card with the finance charge comparable to an NBA player's yearly salary.  (Just paid off that card last week, almost two years to the date.  I was paying interest on parking too close to a fire hydrant.)<br /><br />-August '04.  Go 12 mph over the speed limit and get a $181 ticket near Wisconsin Dells.  He gives me another one from two years ago that I "forgot" about.  I spend $362 dollars to do a show in Wausau, Wisconsin where I only get paid $150.  Damn shame.<br /><br />-September '04. Drive to and from Chicago on tires as bald my head in a Prizm with just under 185,000 miles.  Luckily the grace of God and everyone in heavy protected Ray and I.<br /><br />And here we are today.  It's 2:15 a.m. and I have to go move the Prizm by 7 to avoid getting another ticket.  Good night.<br />
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