Tuesday, June 01, 2004
9:51 AM
(The following is an e-mail I sent to my friend, Cyndi. I crash at her place sometimes when the Cubs are home. Her TV is getting fixed, but doesn't have cable. I also usually park at a meter and then move it by 9 a.m. the next day.)

Hey Sweet C -

It's only a few short minutes old, but my day has already be quite eventful.

I walked to my car. Sitting on the corner opposite me was a black man. Not odd in these parts as you know. However, he was sitting comfortably on a fire hydrant, not even as much as a flinch coming from him. He wasn't leaning against the hydrant nor was he sitting on the rim. Rather, he was sitting on the pointed top. Pervert.

I then moved my car to a spot just outside the front of your building. And what a great spot it is. It's the first spot, so no car is in front of me and I left enough room behind me to let some homeless guy pitch a tent for his family between my trunk and the next car. I'm thoughtful like that.

I thought about just eating some toothpaste to stiffle my asshole-ish smelling breath, but then figured what the hell. I did a full-on brush and rinse right there in the park. I was far enough away from my car that I appeared to be one of the shady cats who spends the night in the park under a tree. I used some bottled water to gargle with, catching the eye of a few people driving by wondering what some bald, child-molesting-looking guy with a BOSTON shirt was doing in their park. Then I headed back inside.

My plan was to workout and watch SportsCenter, starting off on the right foot this first day of June. I get to the center and some lady is watching Oprah. No big deal, right? Wrong. She's watching it from a TV about 100 feet away from her while the one directly in in front of her is off. She's also got the volume up loud and the controller's in her pocket. Throw in the fact that she's working out in jeans and all I can do is want to kick her in the head.

After getting antsy and looking weird for a few minutes, I make the lady switch machines. (Well I'd like to think she moved on my account.) But she takes the controller with her, leaving Oprah on loud and clear. I turn on the TV near where she was originally working out, but it only goes to channel 13 and ESPN is like 29 or something. Fuck! I turn on ESPN on the one farthest from me, but the screen's so little I can't see shit. And I can't pump up the volume cause grandma fitness in jeans has Oprah on full blast by this point. And it's not even like it's a good episode to workout to - it's one about a former Ms. America contestant who accidentally ran over and killed a mother of four visiting from Germany. Who wants to burn fat and calories with that shit in surround sound?

I said fuck it and left. Figured I'd come back later to see some highlights. I headed for the computer room and the janitor was vacuuming the joint. He's gone now and I have a Wrigley door stop under the keyboard of this computer. The little legs of the board broke off apparently, so I had to think quickly. I still have three more stops in my bag if anyone else in here needs one.

How much would I love to watch some porn right now? But I can't. Didn't bring any with me. And your TV is out anyway. Oh well, I'm going to write a column and an entry about yesterday's game.

Have a good day. It's not yet 10 a.m.

-me

1:02 AM
More recent, random pictures.

At a kareoke bar with lovely ladies from Beloit.

Chicago's Bill Rancic, winner of Donald Trump's $250,000 reality show The Apprentice, threw out the first pitch at a White Sox-Orioles game at Comiskey Park. Tickets were free, so I went.

With Otto and George (the filthiest and funniest puppet ever) at Zanies in Vernon Hills, Ill.

My sister, Lauren, and my mom at Lauren's high school graduation last week. Not sure if mom was stoned or just not in a picture-taking mood. Or maybe the loud colors and odd shapes in the outfit made her dizzy.