Tuesday, February 17, 2004
3:31 PM
**Below are the most recent Daily Derenger's. I'll be working on ShaveYourHead.com a lot over the next month. Or maybe Tony will to be more precise, but I hope to learn a lot about updating and fixing the site myself. Please wish me luck. And enjoy the Daily Derenger's.

[ Fri Feb 13, 11:00:21 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

I'm really upset and not sure if I can keep going on in the this game. Once again, for the third time during my trip out here, I was unable to complete the rings on the Santa Monica beach. I can't believe that all my gym workouts and previous athletic experience won't allow me to do it. Many people make it look easy, while I barely get to the third or fourth rings - there are 16 total. And these are the kiddie rings. Now my hands are blistered. Another ring-swinging attempt will have to wait 'til next week. But I leave California February 20th. Please pray for my hands to heal and for me to become Lord of the Rings.

[ Thu Feb 12, 08:00:48 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

Another brush with Hollywood fame. However, this one was far less direct than taking place on an elevator. As I was sitting at the Improv after three hours of comedy, some guy named Chris Rock was summonned from the area where I was sitting. He had on a cab driver-like hat and a jacket with the collar folded up as to attempt to remain discreet, which he obviously did. Once on stage, he lifted his hat to expose more of his face and tossed the coat atop the Improv's stage piano. What followed was about 30 minutes of comedy gold.

I saw Chris Rock live in Phoenix five years ago, but tonight's unscheduled show was more incredible. Maybe it was because in '98, I was still dabbling in comedy, uncertain where and if I would fit in. Last night I knew I was at a place featuring a stage I could surely work. But Rock did it with such grace that I couldn't help but question my pursuit of comedy.

He touched on social commentaries ranging from drugs, the war, education and finances. He noted how odd it was that we found Saddam Hussein in some cave, yet Tupac Shakur's killer is still at large. Interesting how the government works. President Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room to divert the attention from the war in Iraq. Rock then compared being rich to being wealthy, citing particular people who are both.

"Oprah is rich. Shaq is rich. When you're rich, you're only a bad weekend and a drug problem away from being broke. If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money, he'd jump out the window."

It's very late and I need some sleep. Plus the 5 a.m. spicy, fried chicken sandwich and jalepeno poppers I just ate need their sleep, too.

[ Wed Feb 11, 03:38:44 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

My priorities are always in question. Like today. It dawned on me that I carry a handy-wipe in my wallet but no condom. What does that say? Forget the safe sex but bring on the messiness of chicken wings? It's late, like 1:30 a.m., and as great as sex would be right now, some hot wings would be quite all right, too. Maybe more so. Peace.

[ Tue Feb 10, 04:23:13 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

I flew into Los Angeles from Denver tonight, hopefully to enjoy about 2 more weeks of California. My flight was on Frontier Airlines. They offered Direc-TV for a mere $5, which I could watch for the entire 2-hour flight. Quite a nice change from the crying kids, boring movies and horrendous musical selections. SportsCenter at 32,000 feet was an experience like no other as was a re-run of "The Cosby Show."

As we approached our landing, the captain allerted us of the baggage claim location for our flight.

"Carousel D as in Delta," he said.

Why would you say the name of a competitve airline? Wouldn't dog or dixie or maybe even Danny suffice? Surely it would have. Good night.

[ Fri Feb 06, 04:45:01 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

"You don't do jokes about pussy farts do you?"

That's what a young lady asked me last night after being invited to one of my shows this weekend. That was her opening line. Apparently she had been to a comedy show a few months back, and a comedian talked about this topic extensively, not really offending her, but obviously not impressing her either. Admittedly, I've talked about this topic at many shows, but only at venues where good, clean comedy is the furthest desired thing by the crowd. Believe it or not, I've turned over a new leaf and am focusing on being as clean as possible - for me that is. Soon all ShaveYourHead.com and Scott Derenger fans will be able to bring people of all ages to my shows, shocking as it may be.

What's next? Moving outta my mom's? Never.

[ Thu Feb 05, 01:12:14 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

I'm all bundled up in Denver currently writing this from a Comp USA. It's cold and snowing, quite a change from the sunny days and mid-70s of California. Having flown in to Denver, I had no car nor the funds for a rental. The club this week, Wits End, provides comics with a car, a 1977 Ford Station Wagon. There is no wood paneling, but there is brown paint to make it look like paneling. Excellent. It's also got the club name all over the car and even a ShaveYourHead.com bumpersticker from when I played here 2 years ago. Great marketing skills. This car is easily the best anti-women-meeting device ever created. I have to pee and get to the gym. I will not be checking e-mail a lot, so calling would be best. Of course I'd love to hear from whomever has something to say. But please do so after 7 p.m. MST - that's when my free minutes kick in!!! Ciao.

[ Tue Feb 03, 01:37:04 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

Over the weekend, some friends and I, comedians from Chicago now living in California actually, visited a bar resembling a lodge. There were even wild animal heads hanging off the wooden, timber-like walls. As I approached the bathroom at around 10 p.m., when the crowd was sparse, the signs on the respective doors read "Does" and "Bucks". Having a few beers in me and seeing nobody coming out of the bathrooms, I wasn't sure what I was - a doe or a buck. I didn't think watching Bambi or the Discovery Channel was a prerequisite for a Saturday night of drinking in Glendale, California.

I proceeded to go with my sports instincts and guess "Bucks," a team named after a bunch of grown men playing professional basketball in Milwaukee. I opened the correct door and spinning away from the urinal was in fact a fellow buck. Thank God. Then, out of no where, I began singing the very popular tune from "The Sound of Music" that included the line "... Doe a deer, a female deer ..." and I laughed out loud with my manhood in one hand, the left, and a Budweiser clutched in my right.

Watch for such a commercial during next year's Super Bowl.

**I'll be in Denver all this week through February 9th. Bring on the Coors Lites, Mile High City!**

[ Mon Feb 02, 12:02:36 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

Another Super Bowl has come and gone and one for the ages it was. Yesterday's game began slow but ended up being perhaps the best game in history. And the commercials were pretty good, too. Anheuser-Busch and Pepsi came to play while Miller and Coke were nowhere to be found. What happened Miller Lite? The bikini-clad wrestling girls didn't work out well enough? Shocked to see that a flatulating horse and a dog biting testicles didn't end up on the cutting room floor and instead will be the talk at the offices today. Of course along with Janet Jackon's right breast popping out. Amazing what that family does for publicity.

My 20th humor column was published yesterday. Please click here to check it out.

[ Fri Jan 30, 05:20:43 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

While visiting a Starbucks in Hermosa Beach (just wanted to add another beach reference for all my Chicagoland friends freezing their asses off), I saw an item near the register that read, "breakfast cookie." Interesting. Rarely have I eaten cookies for breakfast. Cookies are usually a snack or a dessert, but seldom are they had for breakfast. Maybe a late night snack, but never with eggs or pancakes, easily two of the most common breakfast selections.

What's more, how dare Starbucks and their tremendously overpriced brown and tasty water tell me what meal I can use a cookie for. If I'm paying $5.32 for something in a 16 oz. paper cup that's not jacked with liquor, I best be able to eat my cookie with lunch or dinner no matter what the tattoo-and-lip-ring-freak behind the counter suggests.

It's 3:15 a.m., perfect time for some struedel and bologna. Good night.

[ Thu Jan 29, 07:10:30 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]

I am not the Lord of the Rings, not in the motion picture sense or along a Santa Monica, California beach.

You see, near the main pier in Santa Monica there is an area featuring chin-up bars, ropes to climb, balance beams and Olympic-style rings to swing from. Some of the rings are arranged in a single row and require you to swing from one to the other and so on to properly complete the exercise. Having tried it like five times three weeks ago, I was determined to do it today. I even used the rings closer together, which had eight instead of ten rings. However, I had no better success today. In fact, I was worse off today and left embarrassed, especially after watching two 14-year-old girls make it up and down without even as much as a glitch in their efforts.

Completely relentless and determined to make it happen, I gave it one more shot before my shoulders fell out of their respective sockets. But to no avail.

"Fuck," I yelled, loudly enough for those up the coast in Sacramento to hear clearly. "Jesus this sucks," as I barely grabbed on to the third ring, falling into the sand and then throwing the first ring almost over the whole thing.

Some people, including a small Jewish boy wearing a yammika matching his father's, were standing near the rings and near my tantrum. I felt bad about talking like that around the kid, but if he knew my frustration, he would've understood. I'm not sure if they left because of my language or my pathetic display of athleticism.

I left because of both reasons.