Monday, November 03, 2003



<br>
9:59 AM<br> 
Below you'll find my last 2 months of Daily Derengers.  I don't know what's happened to the archives on the front page.  This is the only way I know how to fix it, the computer guru that I am.<br /><br />[ Thu Oct 30, 11:03:17 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Does Mr. Barnes or Mr. Noble know that if they got rid of the comfy chairs, I may actually buy something there? Until then, I will simply visit on a daily basis and get my read on for free while also checking the cushions for loose change.<br />[ Wed Oct 29, 08:28:28 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />While in Iowa last week, a lady came into the library with her newborn twins. She was the sister of one of the employees. All the ladies gathered around and adored the little boys named Jayson and Vayson. Yep. That's right, one letter off. The mother picked Jayson and the father had the other selection. Leave it to an Iowa farmer to be so creative. For the rest of the twins' lives, whenever they're in he same general vicinity, all you'll hear is, "Sorry. I thought you were calling me."<br />[ Tue Oct 28, 03:22:59 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I watched a Disney movie yesterday. I don't know which one it was, though. I couldn't keep up with the SUV. <br /><br />A Rest Area was closed along a highway. How much 'closed-worthy' stuff is at a rest area in the first place? And what kinda shape can a rest area be in that it's closed? It's a funny concept but I may be too tired to expand on it. Seriously. And after all, I wasn't able to rest when I needed to.<br />[ Mon Oct 27, 09:53:58 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I'm writing this next to my Web master, Matt, at his new house. He's living in Iowa with his wife, Michelle, and 18-month-old son , Anthony. I bought my Prizm from Matt back in early 2001, or 104,000 miles ago. Michelle cooked dinner last night and Matt made me an omelete this morning. See, life on the road lets me reunite with some great friends and eat all their food. The only rule I have here is to promise I won't jack off within the walls of their home. Man it was cold last night in the Prizm.<br />[ Fri Oct 24, 01:53:21 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Some people don't understand how I can survive on the road as a comic. To those people I say, "You can't appreciate the craft 'til you really crave Chef Boyardee BIG Beefaroni eaten out of a tomato sauce-stained Tupperware bowl heated up in your hotel's continental breakfast room."<br />[ Thu Oct 23, 03:28:57 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I'm typing this from a library in Burlington, Iowa. It's a small town and the Kum & Go serves as a landmark downtown. My laptop may have seen its last day as she has no more warranty life left. I called the club where I'm playing tonight and the manager gave me directions to the hotel as well. "Just watch the strip clubs over the bridge," he said. "They check for weapons in most of 'em. And if you don't have any, they give you one."<br />[ Tue Oct 21, 07:06:42 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My mom's on a 10-day vacation and now I'm torn between getting a dumpster in the driveway or just organizing her mess. Currently on the front porch there is a hoola hoop, a baby diaper dispenser (the reason I specify 'baby' diaper dispenser is because I know somewhere she's got an adult diaper dispenser) and two cook's jackets from Cracker Barrel. Sure I worked there 10 years ago but my name's not Juan or Domingo. What's a son to do?<br />[ Mon Oct 20, 02:36:21 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I attended the wake of a friend last night. He was only 29. He had been battling a lifelong illness and now his battle is no more. I couldn't help but thinking about how I'd be remembered. I guess in death, light is shined upon life. I have loved and lost many people, but at least I have had them to love. So here's to making the most of every day we live and being loved and respected by whomever we come in touch with, especially yourself. After, who knows when the days here will be gone? Make them the best they can be. <br /><br />(Kinda deep coming from a guy whose latest joke is about having sex with Wilford Brimley.)<br />[ Sat Oct 18, 04:39:13 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My friend Sue and I had an outstanding dinner last night. Top-notch seafood and great conversation. Amazing what Long John Sliver's can provide. <br /><br />Over dinner, Sue talked about wanting to get the lasex eye surgery. She wants to see without glasses of course, especially when she wakes up in the middle of the night. <br /><br />"One night I woke up and saw this head near my entertainment center," she said. "I jumped at it, hit it hard and then ran out the door screaming." <br /><br />When she gathered herself, she came back to find her large, 3-wick candle lying on the floor. She had assaulted a defenseless candle just trying to give off some vanilla scent. <br /><br />"I felt good about it, though," said Sue. "I felt like I was ready to fight if I needed to." <br /><br />Maybe if she was attacked in a Cracker Barrel gift shop.<br />[ Fri Oct 17, 12:05:39 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Last night's show was a success. Many friends and family came out, even though some of them were warned that my standup isn't anything like my Herald News writing. They all seemed to have as much fun as possible, albeit some uncomfortable fun. How hard can you laugh at female pubic hair jokes with your 70-year-old parents sitting beside you?<br />[ Thu Oct 16, 08:46:21 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I just got in at 8 a.m. and am in no mood or state of mind to write something lengthy. I'm in shock and disbelief, not with them losing but with how they lost; I thought they had at least a trip to the World Series. I now have tonight's show near my hometown to look forward to. Let's forget the loss and have a great time tonight with great family and friends. See you all at Road House on 6 in Channahon. 8:30 p.m. showtime.<br />[ Wed Oct 15, 08:57:54 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />What a horrible way to lose a game last night. Surely you've seen the footage of the Cubs' fan who interfered with the foul ball. He's on the cover of every newspaper here in Chicago. However, when the Cubs come back and win tonight in Game 7, that poor guy will be off the hook. Until then, just when you think you're having a bad day, think about his night, today and possibly the rest of his life. We may have to see his face for the next 95 years instead of the goat.<br />[ Sun Oct 12, 06:06:18 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I'm beginning my trek back to Chicago after my Sunday night show, around 10 p.m. EST tonight. I plan on staying the night in Chattanooga - about 3.5 hours north of Macon and then home from there in the morning, 9 hours. <br /><br />The Cubs are losing Game 5 and will play Game 6 Tuesday night in Chicago. Mark Prior will start for the Cubs. Look out Wrigleyville and the rest of the universe, the Cubbies are coming to the World Series Tuesday night! <br /><br />[ Sat Oct 11, 02:06:34 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I did a show last night for 9 people. 9. There was more staff on hand than there were people in the audience. Instead of watching the Cubs win a thriller of a game, I was interviewing 9 people. I wasn't going to do my act. You can't have the same energy when you feed off of only 9 people. I decided to talk to them which was actually fun. But man, 9 people. Fuck.<br />[ Fri Oct 10, 09:05:39 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My day will consist of laundry at some fine establishment in Macon, GA; an oil change not done by me 'cause I can't remove the bolt that's apparently been put on with a blow torch; and some writing before a much needed nap. First I will have to check out of this Columbus, GA hotel and make the 2 hour trek east to Macon. Good day. <br /><br />Cubbies play tonight in Game 3 of the NLCS. Go Cubs Go!<br />[ Thu Oct 09, 09:20:35 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Cubs Win! Cubs Win! <br />So I was right in most of my predictions: the Cubs won and Prior went nearly 8 full innings. He struck out 5 in the Cubs 12-3 thrashing of the Florida Marlins. I'm off to the airport. The last 2 games at Wrigley will be updated by noon tomorrow. Please check back then to read all about Waiting at Wrigley. <br /><br />Quickly. One of the amigos at Wrigley is taking a class to learn English as a second language. <br /><br />"So I hear you're taking an English class," said a fellow employee. <br /><br />"Si," replied the English language-studying amigo. Hilarious. <br /><br /><br />[ Wed Oct 08, 02:31:38 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Cubs lost last night but will rebound tonight. Mark Prior will throw 8 innings, strike out 11 and surrender 4 hits on 1 run. Cubs win 6-1. I will be there and then off Thursday morning to fly to Georgia for 7 shows in 4 days. Did you know that axes and hatchets aren't allowed on airplanes? Wow. When was the last time Davy Crockett booked a flight?<br />[ Mon Oct 06, 10:13:12 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Since I'll be in the Prizm when the clock strikes midnight, I hope this entry suffices for Tuesday, October 7. I have 6 hours ahead of me through Mississippi, Alabama and Georgia ... So did you see that Roy, of Siegfried & Roy, got mauled by one of his white tigers? It said that he tried to get the tiger off of him with a microphone. A microphone? Did he think it was a kareoke heckler? It was a huge adult tiger, not a Frosted Flakes commerical. Then today he gave the "thumbs up" sign, showing that he was okay. Or maybe he hoped that Siegfried would take a seat.<br />[ Mon Oct 06, 12:16:27 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />CUBS win CUBS win!!! I'll be back in town to work Games 1 & 2 of the NLCS versus the Florida Marlins. Check out my Waiting at Wrigley journal to read about my meeting Michael Jordan, Mike Ditka, John Cusack and ESPN's Pardon the Interruption's Michael Wilbon.<br />[ Fri Oct 03, 07:50:20 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I stayed with some friends last night. It's actually their friend's place. The friend is out of town and my friends just happened to be in town and in need of a place to stay. Anyway, their friend has some good DVD porn sitting right beside me. Unfortunately, the cases are empty. He's got the DVD's with him wherever he is. Bastard. Not to fret though, his place is a loft and his bedroom has no ceiling. Maybe my friends, married for 3 years, would make up for the porn-less findings and thrown down for my listening enjoyment. Nope. Oh well. Off to the still photos on the Net.<br />[ Wed Oct 01, 01:36:02 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My Atlanta hotel room has one wall completely made of mirrors. It's times like these when I wish that hookers were more affordable. <br /><br />I was at game one of the NLDS between the Cubs and the Braves. I am running on 2 hours sleep and lots of driving. Check back later today to read all about last night's thrilling Cubs win and maybe see some uploaded pics, too.<br />[ Mon Sep 29, 08:37:23 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />This Internet thing is great. Where else can you buy Cubs playoffs tickets, book a flight and see pictures of some chick in a barnyard gang-bang? I'm heading to Atlanta right now to see the Cubs play the Braves in game one of the NLDS. Go Cubbies!!! Read all about it in Waiting at Wrigley.<br />[ Sun Sep 28, 10:44:38 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Usually rust on a car is bad. The Prizm was making a grinding noise when I turned, especially to the left. Knowing nothing about cars other than where to put the gas and and windshield washer fluid, I sought help from a mechanic in Rock Falls, Illinois. He told me my axle's knuckle sounded bad. I didn't even know axles had knuckles or that they made noise. He advised me to see another mechanic in town who dealt with axles and their knuckles. That guy test-drove the Prizm and 25 minutes later told me she was fixed. Rust build-up on the rotors caused the grinding, nothing more. You must trust that rust isn't ALWAYS a bad thing.<br />[ Sat Sep 27, 05:02:45 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I should be Waiting at Wrigley right now. Instead, I am about to get ready for my 10-year high school reunion. Who'd a thunk the Cubs would be on the verge of sweeping a double-header while the Astros have already lost. On top of that, if they win this second game - currently they are leading 6-0 in the 5th inning - they will clinch the NL Central Division for the first time since 1989. And I'm not there to celebrate. I will be talking to people I didn't even know in high school, hearing about their jobs and their kids. Meanwhile, my Wrigley mates will be hammered and spilling onto the streets of Wrigleyville. Who cares? GO CUBS GO!<br />[ Thu Sep 25, 09:45:01 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My friend Tanya and I visited a gay bar last Monday night. Her friend had a birthday party. She's in theater and so is he. Imagine that. On this particular night it was "show tunes" night. The bar had huge TVs on which they played musicals and musical montages built around movie clips. One was of "Mommy Dearest," masterfully edited and showing Joan Crawford doing her best rendition of Rocky Balboa. All the while these clips and songs from "Annie" were playing, the gay boys recited the lines verbatim. This was no time to ask what the score of the Raiders-Broncos game was.<br />[ Fri Sep 26, 10:33:00 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My ex-girlfriend is dating a guy I know. That sucks. Kind of. Not that she's dating someone, but that I know the guy. I can picture the sex. That's the biggie. The sex. So what if they have lunch together or walk down the street. But the sex is where it's at. This must really suck in the South. <br /><br />[ Mon Sep 22, 11:25:37 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I picked apples from a tree in my mom's backyard. I don't remember the tree being there years ago, though. Instead of using a basket or a bag in which to put the apples, I used the pockets of my shorts, which quickly fell down. Quite a show for the neighbors and those making U-Turns. I threw some apples to Pepper. Thinking they were tennis balls, she chased after them and ate some. She then got the shits and scratched her butt on ... the wooden deck? Ouch. We should charge a cover for such entertainment. <br />[ Sun Sep 21, 02:19:50 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />The NFL is in week 3 and I'm watching it at my buddy Chris's house. We're in a fantasy league together and yelling at 2 different TV's. Chris has an icepack on his ankle from last week's games. He had Jamaal Lewis going and Lewis recorded the most rushing yards ever in an NFL game. Chris celebrated with a dance and twisted his ankle. He suffered the first fantasy footbal injury of the season and is questionable for next week.<br />[ Fri Sep 19, 10:34:37 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My friend and I were talking about life last night. She has 4 things she now looks for in a future husband, and they all happen to begin with the letter "c" - in this order - Christian; Children; Cash; Camping. Yep. Camping. Of all the great qualities and positive things that begin with "c," she has camping as number 4. Not companionship, cuddling, or even a comedian, but camping. Right, because there is SO much Chicagoland camping done in December and January. <br /><br />[ Thu Sep 18, 04:34:39 PM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I was back at mom's today. She's made another curbside shopping purchase. Just inside the front door, facing you as you walk in, sit 3 small church peus. They are perhaps the most uncomfortable seats in history and sit just below a huge cross of Jesus and near an old church altar turned laundry-folding table. Give her time and you'll be able to baptize your kids in the kitchen.<br />[ Wed Sep 17, 12:44:36 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I'm considering putting comedy on hold and finishing school. I'm 28 and could conceivably get most of it paid for by Uncle Sam. The 8 years off since I was last in college will surely show, though. However, what's something a 20-year-old brunette tutor named Brandi can't re-teach me? At least the journal about the experience would be something worth reading.<br />[ Fri Sep 12, 09:02:14 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Is it wrong to not date someone just because there is no parking near her place? Seriously. Hear me out on this. <br /><br />You get to her place around 6 p.m. There is no parking on her street or the streets on either side of hers. You're pissed. Nothing really pisses you off like searching for parking. You look for other spots and see one. But it's on a one-way street. You make the turns to get back to that spot and it's taken. You then see a spot but it's on the other side of the street. You learned from the one-way street mishap and opt against going for it. <br /><br />You curse everyone in her neighorhood, especially all the gay boys who fill the streets, for them parking near their living quarters. How dare them! You spend about 15 minutes looking for a spot and are still irate. You then decide that the next open spot is yours. You find one and park there. You thinks it's much closer to her place than it really is. You embark on what winds up being a 20 minute jaunt. You're now sweating in the 85 degree heat after just showering 30 minutes prior. You're carrying a heavy bag and a a heavy box. You're seriously pissed at the world. <br /><br />You get to her place only to find that you've left your cell phone in your car. You don't know her number off hand and don't see a pay phone around anyway. The luxury that is having an alphabetically-organized, caller ID-featuring cell phone has given you no reason to memorize her number. You've simply checked your call logs and redialed her number many of times. Or you've scrolled to her name, never once really attempting to remember the number. You're sweating profusely at this point, standing in her courtyard and looking completely defeated. <br /><br />You can't yell up to her apartment because she's got the air conditioner on. No windows are open. You sit near the door to her complex in hopes that she will come looking for you. She never does. You awake 3 hours later and 4 gay boys in her neighborhood are standing over you. They offer to buy you drinks down the street and you accept. You then find out that one of them has a parking spot in his building but doesn't own a car. He tells you you can use it. For a small fee. <br /><br />You leave the bar ashamed and limping, but with a great parking spot.<br />[ Thu Sep 11, 09:50:24 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I just paid 11 bucks for a cab ride home. Or at least back to where I'm staying this week. I'm house-sitting again for Cyndi and her fat cat, Chellie. <br /><br />I hate paying that much for a cab. However, it was a long walk to the el and late at night. I guess I paid for the convenience. But still, I tipped him and all he did was sit behind the wheel and apply minimal pressure to the pedals. Maybe I just felt that I had to make up for those people who didn't tip at all. <br /><br />Before the tipping came, I got into the cab and told the driver where I needed to get. <br /><br />"Which way would you like me to take?" the driver asked. <br /><br />I didn't know how to respond. I mean, it's his job to know what's the best way to get me where I need to be. I hope he takes the quickest way possible. And quickest usually means cheapest. But I would assume that he took his job seriously enough to have the best route figured out. <br /><br />An airplane pilot doesn't get on the microphone and ask the passengers, "Do you prefer we head straight to Cleveland or can I swing by Chicago on the way? My mom lives there and I wanted to at least wave." <br /><br />[ Mon Sep 08, 12:15:39 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I worked at Lambeau Field in Green Bay over the weekend. After the Packers home opener, a loss to the rival Vikings, I had to clean my suites. <br /><br />"You need to keep some of the food to give to Paul's Pantry," a manager told me. <br /><br />Now in Green Bay, they take some food and give it to the less fortunate people of Green Bay. The food in question was some chili, nacho cheese and jalepenos. <br /><br />What a bad hand to be dealt - homeless and hungry, then you get fed, only to get the chili shits an hour later.<br />[ Thu Sep 04, 09:48:54 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />Check out the journal. It's been an action-packed last few games at Wrigley Field. <br /><br />Here's something quick. Alyssa Milano was on Jay Leno last night. WOW! It doesn't get much better than her. I had her Bop and Tiger Beat pics up all over my room in grade school. <br /><br />She now has short hair and still looks as hot as all hell. She dated Justin Timberlake a few months ago. How bad does that guy have it? From Brittney Spears to Alyssa Milano. <br /><br />I need to get into a boy band. Off to make that happen. Wish me luck.<br />[ Mon Sep 01, 02:09:03 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />My family had a Labor Day cookout at my mom's. I caught the tail-end of it just in time to do the dishes. <br /><br />Ours are the same all them time. People help my mom clean by shoving shit into boxes, opening up walkways through the house. Then mom needs something later in the day and can't find where people have put her shit. She curses herself for not knowing its where-abouts and then has a small piece of cake. Hours later people are cursing themselves for having a second helping of beans. Usually the people sitting nearby are cursing them, too. <br /><br />Sometimes they play cards, but most of the time is spent just eating and talking. Tonight they sat around and compared blood-sugar levels. My mom and all 4 of her sisters are diabetic. They trade methods of shot-insertion as well as the best sugar-free desserts. <br /><br />My family has always been out of shape, but now they are old. Some are in wheelchairs, others use walkers and most need canes to get around. It's gone from a regular cookout to a shut-in convention. Instead of being the next one immobilized, I do the dishes and am told that I don't know how to load a dishwasher. As if it were some vital ability to have. <br /><br />Weight has also been a major concern in our family. Not trying to manage it, but trying to guess what certain people weigh. "Hello" or "how are you doing" usually comes after "man, how much do you weigh now?" Priorities are simply different when my family gets together.<br />[ Fri Aug 29, 11:11:50 AM | Scott Derenger | edit ]<br />I was meeting last night with the committee for my 10 year high school reunion. I hung out with them a lot in high school or at least I made them laugh in certain classes. Some of us have kept in touch over the years, while others have started new lives through marriage. Great people to surround myself with, nonetheless. <br /><br />Pete is going on a trip through Europe next week. Kris did something similar when she graduated from U of I. Sue and Mary? Not sure about their international travels. <br /><br />As Pete and Kris were talking about their European travels, Kris mentioned visiting Anne Frank's home. <br /><br />"Who?" I said, not having something witty to say immediately and looking to buy some more time. <br /><br />"Anne Frank," said Kris. And then she and Pete went back to their conversation. <br /><br />A few seconds later, I chimed back in. <br /><br />"Did you see the attic that she made famous?" I asked. <br /><br />"Of course," said Kris, with a 'why wouldn't I have done so' tone. <br /><br />Just then Mary and Sue chuckled. Apparently the way I initially asked "who" when Kris mentioned Anne Frank gave the impression that I didn't know who Anne Frank was. <br /><br />"I know I went to 3 years of JUCO," I snapped back with. "But I know who Anne Frank is. I just wanted to know if Kris visited the attic. Why else would you see her home? I know of Anne Frank from living in the attic, not from having some tea in the study." <br /><br />I then added that when I visited Graceland, I wouldn't be able to see the toilet that Elvis died on. There was no reason to pay for the grand tour. Without seeing the infamous shitter, it wouldn't be that grand. <br /><br />Oh yeah, we also learned what "congeal" meant. Sue was trying to throw around her ISU education, surely being able to stump this JUCO grad. However, Kris, Mary and Pete didn't know either. <br /><br />Congeal means to solidify or harden. Eggs congeal, so does jello. I guess a penis could, too, under the right circumstances. Or maybe not. I think it would have to be in liquid form to congeal. Oh well. That's why I never graduated with a Bachelor's in anything. However, if perversion was offered, I'd have that Doctorate. <br /><br />So here at ShaveYourHead.com, we're out to educate and entertain. <br /><br />Raise your hand if you've learned a new word today. And something about Anne Frank. <br />
<br><br>
<hr class="rule1">


<a href="/NEW/Journal/journal_archive.html">Archives</a>