The Daily Derenger

1/03/2004

Well kids, the Prizm is all packed. I'm ready to embark on a nearly three-month trip that's not really planned out. I'll end out in California for most of it, with stops in Vegas, Denver, Tucson and Phoenix along the way.

I have some of the greatest musical collections ranging from Billy Joel to John Cougar to Hootie. Okay, so maybe Hootie's hits are far fewer, but good listening nonetheless.

Gimme a call to see if I'm alive and well - 815.557.5233. Happy New Year and have a great 2004!

1/02/2004

By this time tomorrow I hope to be in or past Tulsa,Oklahoma en route to Amarillo, Texas. Perhpas I will get a set at the Texas club, depending on the weather and how my driving goes. It may take longer than I have planned. In the end, I hope to be in sunny southern California next Tuesday. Feel free to gimme a call as I drive - weekends are free on the cell. I'll need help staying awake once the football games end.

Now if I should happen to drive off a cliff and not make it (because there are so many cliffs in Missouri and northern Texas mind you), promise me this, you loyal readers of ShaveYourHead.com will get these Daily Derenger's published along with my newspaper columns and Wrigley Field journal. Please keep the title "Waiting at Wrigley," even though I won't be coming back to wait ... for anything.

Take the proceeds and donate them to the homeless and hungry kids in Joliet. Kids, not the crack whores or lazy bums, kids. Well, take some of the cash and help mom and dad put me in a decent outfit and casket. Not in a suit, though. I rarely wore one and don't wanna be last scene in one. Make it something funny, something that says, "Scott loved to laugh and hoped that everyone he met laughed, too. Either with him or at him."

1/01/2004

Happy 2004!

What a NYEve it was. Well, it was nothing all that special. I did meet a girl with a beard, though. Not a full-on ZZ Top beard, but the fuzzy female kind. Had it been at night with the lights dimmed, I may not have noticed. However, it was in broad daylight and the broad had a beard, accentuated by the sunlight. She also was a drag, lacking charisma and spunk, not that spunk is a key ingredient in a person's character. But when you're a chick with a beard, you best make up for it in personality and maybe I won't notice your fuzz as much. I could see descibing a fuzzy, but really nice girl like this, "She's a great gal ... in a 5 o'clock shadow sorta way."

12/31/2003

The front driver’s seat of the Prizm has ripped. Instead of trading her in for a 2004 Escalade or Hum-V, I bought a seat cover. An economical move and really a no-brainer. I just lost my dog two weeks ago; I’m not ready to lose the Prizm.

My first attempt was an all black one cushioned for extra comfort. It was too bulky, though, and I returned it. Next was a cover costing twice as much but looking better without the bulkiness. However, it came undone every time I got in the car. That one stayed on through an oil change and the planting of a solid fart. It felt good to unload one and then get my money back. The third one was a black beaded one that made me feel like an old woman, plus it didn’t cover much of the seat and served more for comfort. Again, I took it back and opted for a fourth selection, this time a cover that went completely over the seat, headrest and all, and fit securely under the front of the seat, too. It’s black and red and features a dragon and some Chinese letters. I think they say, “How in the hell did you spend 90 minutes trying out seat covers for a car with 162 thousand miles on it that has yet to be paid off?” At least that’s what the cashier told me it said.

12/30/2003

I bought a new hat the other day. It's a black, leather fisherman-like hat. I really like its look and think it looks good on me. The only thing is that I'm not black. It's a hat that LL Cool J would wear or maybe a football star, not a bald, small white guy. I don't care, though, I'm gonna wear it whenever I can and even on stage. We'll see if a new look can get me on TV. Perhaps as the poster child of what white men should not wear in public.

12/29/2003

“Deaf or blind. If you had the choice, would you take a blind lover or a deaf one?” This question was posed to me by Sue over some cocktails. After some thought, I opted for deaf. She concurred, actually saying, “deafinitely.”

Think about it, the deaf can still see, which I value more than hearing. In some cases. Sex is about the visual, at least for men. Life in the bedroom would be solid I imagine, aside from not being able to talk dirty. Although sultry sign language might be very erotic. Plus she wouldn’t be able to hear the embarrassing bodies-rubbing-together noises. And I could also fart. A lot. But wait, when you lose one sense, another is enhanced. With my luck it would be her sense of smell. She’d be able to detect one brewing in me moments before it was unleashed. There’s no way it could work with us. I’m breaking up.