The Daily Derenger

7/19/2003

Installment 3 of 4. The real advice is written first and then my advice, if you'd call it that, follows in italics.

ELEVEN: Don't judge people by their relatives.
Unless they are sleeping with some of them.

TWELVE: Talk slowly but think quickly.
Especially when there's a lot of booze involved.

THIRTEEN: When someone asks you a question you don't want to
answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
And then tell them about your affinity for frozen grapes shoved up your ass.

FOURTEEN: Remember that great love and great achievements
involve great risk.
This includes sex with triplets at a bank.

FIFTEEN: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
Unless you see some of it land on you, then hack on their pants.

7/18/2003

Installment 2 of 4. Again, the real advice is printed first and my advice, if you will, is in italics.

SIX: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Or for just a few weeks if you forgot to pull out.

SEVEN: Believe in love at first sight.
Especially if you're only in town for one night and last call is near.

EIGHT: Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have
dreams don't have much.
But it's okay to laugh at anyone's wet dreams, unless it's you and you're sleeping beside this girl for the first time.

NINE: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's
the only way to live completely.
Tina Turner thought the same thing. Or just stop dating guys with huge deeply penetrating pee-pees. In these cases, size does matter. We know where the limp comes from.

TEN: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Except whore, bitch and cunt. The same can be used when referencing her friends who dislike you.

7/17/2003

The next 4 entries to the Daily Derenger will come in installments. Each will contain 5 bits of advice as part of a random e-mail sent my way. Keeping up with my style of perverse sarcasm, I have included the advice along with my commentary, printed in italics. Please read on and enjoy.

ONE: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

This especially includes oral sex.

TWO: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,
their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

But if you're deaf, who the fuck cares what she has to say? And if she has no teeth, refer to number one.

THREE: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep
all you want.

Don't cut fresh jalapenos and then scratch your balls either. You will cry yourself to sleep.

FOUR: When you say," I love you." mean it.

Especially if this will assure you sleeping with her and her best friend Destiny.

FIVE: When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

Unless they're blind. In that case, flick them off repeatedly while sticking your other hand's thumb in your ear, but maintain a sincere voice in your apology. And tease his dog a little, too. Dangle some bacon near it.

7/13/2003

I went to visit my friends Monica and Jim the other night. (Thanks again for dinner.) I sat in their family room.

"Look at how much my plant has grown," Monica exclaimed as she pointed to where the plant was, its vines virtually crawling down the wall.

"And it's real."

I'm glad she added that last part. I almost thought we had another Pinnochio-type story on our hands.

See what a college education can do to one's mind.

Check out the journal more often than this Daily Derenger as I work many Cubs games and recap every one I work. They'll be out of town over the next week or so. Maybe I'll write some other quirky things here after all.