The Daily Derenger

6/05/2003

Pay to pee. How absurd is that? Well that's how I've been made to feel of late, like i have to shell out some cash to urinate in a public bathroom.

Sure it may a bathroom within the walls of a local bar, albeit a sports bar, where money exchanging hands is commonplace, but I refuse to give money to use the facilities.

The bathroom valet generally brings nothing to the table that deserves any money. So what if he's got a squirt of imposter cologne he picked up at Walgreen's or some Juicy Fruit gum. I have to pee and that's it. This doesn't involve smelling good or fresh breath. Chances are that I put cologne on before I left the house and have some gum or mints in my pocket anyway.

Now if you tickled my ball-bag or showed porno movies in the bathroom , then and only then would I even begin to consider forking over some money. So far, that's not the case. The valet just stands (or usually sits on his stool) and holds a paper towel on which I am suppoed to dry my hands. That is if I even wash those hands in the first place.

That rarely happens.

My dork is a pretty clean organ. If anything I should wash my hands before I touch it.

Maybe if I take a shit and you wipe my ass, maybe then will you have earned your money. (I could even see parting with a five-spot for that action.)

Bottom line: get a real job and stop looking at my cock. And the fart-while-you-pee-noises are worth money to us. In the end, everyone should break even.