The Daily Derenger

3/12/2003

I took a CPR class last weekend. It was partly for work and partly for personal use. I figured since it was free, why not? And besides, I'm so funny that someone just may need some CPR at one of my shows. Okay maybe the shock and filth from my act would call for it and not the laughs.

Sitting on the table of our classroom beside the coffee were two dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. How appropriate to have at a class about heart attacks and cardiac arrest - 24 helping out pure sugar and fat. Maybe they were wanting to have a live instruction right there on the premesis.

Whatever the case, one can't pass up free Krispy Kremes. I had half a dozen and now need triple bypass. I hope they have a free class for that.

3/09/2003

Around 3 p.m. today, I called my friend Chris to see what he was up to. Chris turns 30 this week and has been married for almost four years.

"What are you doing?" I asked as Chris picked up the phone.

"I was reading your Web site until you called and kicked me off," he said.

"Sorry about that. What were you reading?"

"The thing about Cyndi," he answered. "What the hell. Why don't you ever write about me? We've been friends for a long time and I'm a cool guy, right?"

"Sure you are. I've written about you a few times. Maybe you just missed them. Besides, I have that joke in my act about you, your wife and your dog. I do it almost every show."

"I know. I was just wondering when I would be in something else. That's all," he said.

"Well what are you doing right now? I was calling to see what's up 'cause I thought I'd come over to watch the Lakers-Sixers game and laugh at Bill Walton."

"Alright. Stop on by. I'm already drunk," he said and then hung up.

Now it was just after 3 on a Sunday afternnoon and Chris was already half in the bag. He had earned a spot on a Daily Derenger with that fact alone.

I got to their place about 45 minutes later. I knocked on the front door and Rocky, their small fluffy white dog, began his obnoxious barking.

Nobody answered. Rocky kept on barking and even jumped on the back of the couch and peeked his head through the blinds, planting his face againt the front window, smearing it with doggie slobber.

Still there was no answer. Usually by this time, either Chris or his wife, Kim, have answered the door, especially since they knew I was coming over.

Nothing but barks, though. I rang the doorbell and Rocky began barking even louder and more frantically. A few seconds later the door opened and Kim welcomed me in.

Once inside, I looked directly to my left and their laid Chris, passed out on the couch with a blue blanket covering him. Kim had been working in the bathroom in the farthest part of the house and didn't hear my knock. She then tried to wake him but to no avail. He had downed a few Jim Beam & waters and called it a day. Or an afternoon at least. Jim won this round I guess.

She tried to wake him a couple more times but he wouldn't budge. Only a few groans came out. I said thanks anyway and made my way out.

So there, Chris. Now you have made the front page of ShaveYourHead.com, a Web site visited by tens of people weekly, most of whom don't have any clue who you are. What they do know is that you get loaded before 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon while your wife cleans the house. However, you will make more money this month at work than I will before July. So drink all you want. You can afford it. I'll simply hang out and write all about it.

3/09/2003

Is it wrong to bring a pyromaniac to a house warming party?

3/09/2003

A friend of mine e-mailed me recently and included the following information. (I have paraphrased it for clarity and anonymity as we're not that close but may be further after this.)

I quit my job to pursue my
life ambition - RADIO DJ ! By the way, of all things, I had a HAIR transplant surgery last
week as well.

I'm not sure what else I can add to this. Some things are best left unsaid. But come on. He hasn't even gotten a job yet. Maybe if he tried for a few months and repeatedly heard that he didn't have the look they were looking for, as they glanced at his head while saying this. Maybe then a hair transplant could be acceptable.

But who has a look for radio? People are said to have a face for radio but not an overall look. Or maybe the face comprises the main part of the look. If so, then fine. But ShaveYourHead instead.

Looking good for the radio? That's like hiring a model with a great singing voice. Or a phenomenal chef who can pilot a plane. Those are great talents to have but they don't affect the job at hand. To be on the radio, you need to be able to speak well, have a unique personality and have some knowledge of the equipment. Now this is coming from me, a guy who went to a broadcasting trade school and then interned at an oldies radio station for three months. I'm cleary qualified to be the author of "Radio as a Career for Dummies."

In an industry where you are heard and not seen, generally, who needs the hair? And the guy looked fine with the hair he had. Now he's got no job and probably a major bill from the transplant. The stress from the unemployment and the tough job market may cause even his new hair to fall out. Then where is he? Bald again without income and a faulty hairdo.

I guess I have the wheels turning at all times. This struck me as far too funny and reassured me that as long as they're people in this world and I know about some of the things they do, I will always have work. Or at least plenty of material to amuse myself.

However, if this kind of trend keeps up, the message here at ShaveYourHead.com will be ignored. Remember: Don't fight it. Don't hate it. Just Shave It!