The Daily Derenger

2/20/2003

I'm still living at home. Been back here since May of last year. Although I'm on the road a lot, there have been plenty of stints, more that I would like to admit, where I have been home a lot.

The bedroom that I'm stuck in is the same room I was in as a senior in high school. That sad part is that 10 years have passed and the female traffic in and out of the room is limited to my dog, my sister and my mother. And it's not an Arkansas thing either, perverts!

It's just not a selling point at last call when the ladies hear, "You wanna come back to my place and listen to my step-dad snore and see what my mom is cooking at 3 a.m.?" Even at 18 that left a lot to be desired.

This house has incredibly thin walls. Not only is this bedroom of mine painted purple but it's also right next to the bathroom. My desk sits against the wall that features the toilet on the other side. If there wasn't a wall at all, I would essentially be able to place my computer on the top of toilet tank.

Since I do a lot of writing at this computer, I rarely have any music on. If the radio is ever on, it's always blaring sports talk radio. If you can boast about blaring such a thing. That means that there is nothing really to drown out the noise coming from the other rooms. Music would do that. Guys talking about golf and MVP candidates doesn't do that.

My brother and sister still live at home, too. The bathroom sitting next to my room receives most of its use from the three of us. Let it be known that there is nothing more disgusting that hearing your brother or sister take a dump when you're trying to meet a newspaper deadline. I generally don't like to hear them talk much less rattle the porcelain with anal echoing that would wake the deaf. But there is something to be said for the dog drinking out of the bowl that was just bombed minutes before. It's hilarious until it's my face that she's licking as I lay motionless on the couch, watching the finale of some reality show for some unknown, probably pathetic reason like, "Nothing else is on." In actuality, I'm watching it because my sports talk shows will be debating the outcome on the show the next day. What had TV and radio turned into?

As much as this may serve as fodder for my act, it also serves as a reminder that I need to get the hell outta this place. But where do I go and with what financial means will I use to get there? I have no idea. Good day.

2/16/2003

The Prizm landed in an Iowa ditch over the weekend. One minute she was cruising along nicely, even though the weather was less than ideal, and the next minute she was in a ditch. First time I had ever been in a ditch, with the Prizm or any car for that matter.

Some locals from Ottumwa, IA pulled her out and then sat back at my show that night to hear what I had to say about the whole ordeal. I guess it was fun.

Ahhh shit. Not feeling very funny right now. Perhaps that can be attributed to the fact that I just figured out what I made last year. On second thought, that could be really funny if you knew the figure.

I'm going to cry in my pillow and try to sleep away the reality that is being a financially inept standup comedian. Unfortunately, I am here all week.