The Daily Derenger

2/08/2003

Many people feel that their greatest fear is talking in front of people with dying coming in second. In being a comedian performing live for crowds numbering in the thousands for a week's worth of work, I have no problem talking to people. I don't think my job is nearly as tough as a job I witnessed recently.

Strippers.

Now I have been to many a strip joint and even worked at one for a weekend in Phoenix. There is one here in Peoria that I visited after my show Thursday night. The place was barren, maybe having six customers entertained by the six dancers.

Even though it was a small turnout, the ladies on stage still had to go through the motions like the place was packed. As a comic, I have to do the same. But I'm not totally naked knowing that nobody in the place means no tips. A comic can try out new stuff with a small crowd or even get to know, on a personal level, everyone in a show consisting of 16 people. We don't work for the door unless we're a big draw who single-handedly brings throngs of people out.

Let's say a stripper has been watching Strip Tease or some HBO show and wants to try a new move at work. With no faces to hover over, how will she know if the brass pole will properly support her hovering? A comic might wear his heart on his sleeve in revealing his hang-ups and strange nuances, but a stripper has no sleeves to wear anything on. It's truly an all or nothing industry.

I've never fully understood the lap dance desire. They usually cost anywhere from 10-20 bucks and the private couch dances can call for over 30 bucks. Just to see something that you can't touch or even lean in to look at a bit closer. I simply let the guy next to me get one and sit in on that. I basically get the the same show but from a different angle. And I have money for the burrito joint afterwards and drinks tomorrow night.

Now I believe in sitting at the stage to see the action for a buck or two. Spending seven dollars on seven different ladies and views that could make Ray Charles blush is totally acceptable. I call the stage seats more like the Napster of the strip joints. You pay very little to see what the other guys see for 30 times less the money and you get the same product. Ingenius if you ask me.

So tip your waitstaff and dancers. They work hard at getting you that way.

2/07/2003

Congrats to John Roy for winning the standup portion of Star Search last night. John's a 28-year-old white guy from Chicago with a shaved head who now has 100-grand and a sit-com development deal with CBS in the works. Even though John and I aren't close buds, I have seen a lot of his work over the last three-in-a-half years. I've even booked him on a show I produced back in September of 2001. That night, his compensation was 15 bucks and some free beers. The Star Search stage and prize package it wasn't. He's truly committed to his work and the standup craft as a whole and deserves all the success that has and will continue to come his way.

With that said, I now have a deep-rooted hatred for John. His winning of Star Search has cornered the market for a guy like me. There is no way another 20-something bald wite guy from Chicago will win next time. Cries of conspiracy would surround the industry although chemo patients everywhere would have a hero. So, ss of today, I have retired from standup comedy.

Unless ...

I grow a pony-tail or get a weave. Maybe I could just buy one of those hats with the horse-like hair already sewn to the hat. I would not longer be bald. Then, having started my comedy career in Phoenix, I could refer to that city as being "from there." Eddie Delrio, my current AOL screenname, would also be adopted as my new alias.

I would be a whole new person with a whole new look. But still an always-in-the-gutter-comic with the same shitty act that was shunned by Star Search the first time through.

I'll just take the new look to the nearby gas station and work the graveyard shift. The pony tail, baseball cap and name Eddie will fit much better there.

2/05/2003

I tried to buy shampoo today. For the many of you reading this, buying shampoo may not be out of the ordinary. But for me, the President and founder of ShaveYourHead.com, buying shampoo had me out of my element. And in the wrong aisle as well.

Luckily, the razors and the shaving cream were calling for me and my polished dome in the next aisle.

I was shopping for a friend, a woman no less and I know how the ladies can be when it comes to their locks. Having had hair up to June of 1997, I had bought shampoo and conditioner before, albeit not the best brands of either. Maybe that led to the loss of my locks. Okay, so locks they never were. My hair was always very fine, in texture not in look, and began thinning in the back my senior year of high school.

"Hey Deininger," someone like Kevin Keer or Matt Price would yell. "You know you're going bald?"

This generally came as I sat in the front of the class while my hair-hecklers sat in the back. At this point, not only had I become aware of my balding, but so did the rest of the class. So much for my prom-date possibilities.

"Who you going with, Gina?" asked Julie of her friend and fellow cheerleader. "I was thinking about Scott Deininger. He's so funny."

"But isn't he going bald?" Julie inquired. "My uncle is bald and he's 47. Scott's only 17. But ay least he looks old enough to buy us cigarettes. And maybe if he loses a lot of hair before prom, he'll be able to get us booze. Scott may not be a bad choice after all."

I really can't remember the last time I actually bought shampoo or conditioner. I have used some sparingly in my shaven years to massage the scalp and simply relive the glory days of longer, more action-packed showers. Just a bar of soap or maybe a lufa sponge does the job these days. In and out in the time it takes Cher to just wet her mane.

I was told to look for some Pantene Pro-V 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. I was more than up for the challenge. How hard could it be to follow the guidelines I was given? Therein lied the problem - I had forgotten what specific style of Pantene to get. Just anything wouldn't suffice. Even though my hair has passed on, I know that all shampoos aren't the same. Just like all shaving creams aren't.

I found the Pantene section. It took up about a quarter of the left side of the aisle and came with more styles and holds than a night of professional wrestling.

Sheer Volume. Color Revival. Smooth & Sleek. Classic Clean. Hydrating Curls.

I knew those five selections weren't any of the things I was told some four hours earlier.

Then I began to actually think it through, justifying my options.

"Well her hair is thick and full so maybe Sheer Volume would work?"

"Her hair is also red so perhaps Color Revival could do the trick?"

"Smooth & Sleek?" I wasn't too sure about this one. It seemed like more of way to describe a car than a shampoo. I moved on.

"Anyone with hair would like it Classically Clean so how could I go wrong with that selection?"

"Oh no. Hydrating Curls? Her hair is curly. But it's also red with great volume. Can't I just make aisle J-24 like Chemistry class and combine the Pantenes?"

I went with the Sheer Volume. I was satisfied with my selection until I spoke with her as I was ready to check out.

"Just put it back," she said. "I think I'm going to try something else. It's a different brand all together. Do you want to look for it?"

"Sure, I guess I'll ....

She cut me off before I could even fully commit to the search.

"Just forget it," she said as if to appear frustrated, yet appreciative of my efforts. "I'll go shopping later this week and get the other things. Just get what you went there for."

With that said, I put back the other things not on the list and made my way for the cashier. When she got home from work, I told her of a great idea I had. She agreed with it. I shaved her head. There will longer be a need for any shampoos or conditioners. Now we both have the ultimate Classically Smooth & Sleek look.

Out with the Pantene and in with the Gillette. Another small step for bald men and women and a giant leap for ShaveYourHead.com.