The Daily Derenger

1/18/2003

Sorry to have let a few days go by without writing. Life's been a little shitty of late. You see, Erin and I never really broke up last month. I thought it was over but after realizing that we really didn't want that, we made amends and all was okay.

However, last week, I did the breaking up since we were both waivering back and forth on it. I thought it had to be done. It was one of those "it's not you it's me" things and when you do the breaking, you never think the break-up recepient will move on quickly. And I didn't have someone waiting either. I was serious about it being me and not her.

Well, she's got someone new and I'm happy as can be. For her. It may seem weird but that's the way it has to be. Of course it hurts like watching Rocky VI thru X but how did I think I would feel? All I can do now is let time heal my soul and let the pen write phenomenal jokes about her on the paper. Whether the premise is reality bites or truth hurts, there's bound to be a few zingers. If only I was a rock star firing up a monster ballad, though. But I just don't have the hair for that.

Well, no need to get all bitter and air my dirty laundry here. I'll save it for the stage where people will pay me to basically do live, often interactive therapy.

1/14/2003

Great news to report from Camp ShaveYourHead.com. I will now have my own comedy column in the Joliet Herald News, my same hometown paper that I freelance for. After 7 months of back and forth with some editors and publishers, it was approved earlier this week.

What does this mean to you, the loyal reader of ShaveYourHead.com? You'll be able to read more about me and my pathetic existence.

Now I'd be a liar if I said that all the newspaper columns will be completely fresh. And why would they be? The material will sometimes overlap and might even be in every column for months at a time. Just depends on what kinda stuff happens in my life.

I see this as an opportunity to make my life into a sit-com read once a month on a Sunday. Check that, I won't have to make my life into a sit-com. My life is a sit-com.

Don't believe me? As I write this, I can hear my mom and step-dad yelling about the dog's gas.

"Did you hear that one?," my mom asked my step-dad. "That was worse than normal, almost as bad as Scott."

(Let it be known that she usually says stuff like that when I bring a date home for the first time. You guessed it. I haven't brought a real date home since high-school. Which was also the last time I had a real date.)

"Well she's your dog. And you're the one feeding her broccoli and cauliflower," my step-dad reminded my mom. "What do you expect her to do, ask for a Tums?"

Just then my 16 year-old sister walks in with a car accident report, her second in a week's time. She tries to divert the attention away from her ticket and back onto the dog's gas.

"Oh Pepper, that's bad," she said as if she was shocked that it didn't smell like a lilac field. "And what time is Aunt Susan coming up?"

Aunt Susan is scheduled to visit from St. Louis to "shop" in our kitchen and pool table room for things my mom's collected from random street curbs.

On that note, I closed my door and attemped to drown out all the noise, an absolutely impossible feat for even the deaf.

You can rest assure that the columns will be made available right here at ShaveYourHead.com. Until then, thanks for reading.