The Daily Derenger

12/20/2002

The library's computer is my canvas yet again. And that having that be the case, I'm able to meet some interesting creatures that I wouldn't have the pleasure of meeting locked in my hotel room.

Last week in Wausau, a guy came up to the library's info desk. This is common practice for those inquisitive folks. However, his attire was not. He had on a bike helmet. Not a motorcycle helmet. But rather, it was one of those half egg-shaped looking things that would look rediculous even on J-Lo. Now J-Lo naked with a only a bike helmet wouldn't be that bad. I just don't think the library would have tolerated such a thing. Or maybe with her fame and the almost certain liklihood that J-Lo would be in the buff while passing through Wausau on a bike with an urge to read some Hemmingway, maybe then and only then would the library have okayed her attire in the "rare exceptions" portion of their company hand book. I still doubt it though.

"Take the goddamn helmet off already," I thought to myself. Nobody's impressed with the fact that even a guy on a 10-speed can read. It's what people do here. If you went to the Gap and wanted to read, then we'd wonder why you were there.

Besides, if he just left the helmet strapped to the bike, it's doubtful anyone would steal it. Or maybe he wasn't even a biker. Maybe he experienced a tragic accident in a library as a child. Maybe the entire section of children's literature hard-covers fell on him while on a field trip in 3rd grade. If such was the case, wearing any type of helmet would be perfectly acceptable. May I suggest a hockey goalie's helmet. Or even a la crosse type. These kinds would keep his entire face free from a book's edge and horrifying paper cuts.

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Today in Muskegon, MI, a man came into the library and within minutes was loud, yet seemingly jovial. It was just before noon and he was loaded like a hand gun. Drunk and obnoxious with annoying high-pitched laughter all the while trying to speak. Incoherantly of course. He was a black man in his late 50s maybe, wearing a brimmed brown hat and thick, black-rimmed glasses. He would've made a perfect quirky neighbor on Sanford and Son.

I guess he was a regular and sometimes even visited the library sober. In those rare occasions, he'd look up bithdates and death dates of famous people and collect them for some morbid and unknown reason. Today he was just drunk. Some of today's employees had never seen him but had only heard the stories. They seemed to enjoy this change from that of the quiet, soft-spoken kind of person to usually frequent a library.

The reference librarian wasn't having any of his antics. She told him to be quiet or leave. As she walked away from giving the first of what would be three warnings, he let out a laugh that wouldn't have been tolerated at a Def Comedy Jam show. Then he sank below the desk and out of my sight. She went back to him and said she was calling the police.

I was enjoying it and as long as he stayed away from me, bring on the funny. But I can see where his behavior can't be put up with in a library. She lifted the receiver of the phone and he made his way out the door. An officer arrived about 10 minutes later to fill out a report and nothing more has happened.

I've been her for 2 hours longer than I'm allowed. Being a freelance writer comes in handy and works as a valid reason to extend my time. However, I've done nothing for the newspaper during this visit.

Read the latest Journal entry to see how my realtionship with Erin has come to a halt. I love the girl. I'm just too damn stubborn to figure out how to really love her.

12/18/2002

The sickness is behind me. Or at least I hope. I hear a lot of that 24-hour flu thing is going around and perhaps I caught some of that. I'm not going to chance it as I will refrain from drinking tonight. For tonight at least. I'm not sure what else a single comic on the road is supposed to do without his friends Jack and Bud but we'll find out.

Currently I sit in the basement of the Muskegon, MI library writing this Daily Derenger. This is the way it's going to be until my computer is fixed. I really enjoyed writing my things late at night for all (or maybe 11 of you) to read first thing in the morning. Now I'll write them late in the afternoon just as you're leaving work so you can read when you get to work the next day. How thoughtful am I?

There really isn't much else to write about. I'm off to find some grub and then sit the hotel hot tub. Without Jack and Bud I hope. But some Ginger and Kandi would be nice!

12/17/2002

It's slightly a miracle that I'm here typing right now. I've been sick all day but with the help of some apple cinnamon TheraFlu, I'm okay for now. At least to type. It might just be the 24-hour flu and I hope it is. I left my temp job early today and need to be there tomorrow or else people will get even shittier Christams gifts that i had planned.

This assigmnent has me working in a warehouse packing boxes with five different kinds of beef jerky. I was supposed to be there from 7-5 but had to cut it short at 2:30. I was ready to heave like it was my job. And it was the other end that wasn't pretty either. Some people talk of having the runs, well I had the sprints all day. Doing that kind of thing in the bathroom of some company where you hardly know the people is awkward. But at least I did it in the bathroom and not in the lobby.

For the first 4 hours or so I was there alone talking to the jerky. Luckily there was a radio so time passed by quickly. However, listening to sports talk the day after a Bears' game is pure torture especially when the team is 4-10. The station I listen to has an update every 20 minutes on a national and local level. I may know more about the Bears now that the Hallas family.

I stood outside all day on Sunday for some NBC reality TV show audition. It 's going to be like Big Brother meets American Idol and is called Last Comic Standing. I didn't eat much while waiting in line in the cold so that may've aided in my being sick on Monday.

I'm going to try to get some sleep so I can face the jerky demons in a few hours. Much more to come tomorrow when I have more time to write later.

12/16/2002

That time is here again and will be gone before we know it. Of course it's Christmas time and the shopping days are being crossed off like those remaining days of 8th grade.

So how do we beat the mall crowds? Shop on-line where you can purchase one of the worst gifts of all time - a star. Yes, that's right. For only $48 you can name a star after someone complete with a registry and cerificate of authenticity.

If I hear this commercial again I will shove a star straight up the ass of whoever thought of this idea. I will bet my bulging left testicle that not a soul on this planet would appreciate a star being named after them. I would rather receive a year supply of hair brushes and a one-ton drum of mousse than have a star named after me.

So if anyone has bought a star already, get your money back. Or dare to admit it to me with a straight face and without any alcohol in your system.

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If you haven't heard, my computer is on the fritz again. This only means that I'll be left without it on my next road trip to Michigan later this week. So aside from being unable to have it to write on and send my comedy avails out, I'll lose its entertainment value as well. In short, I won't have any porn at my disposal for a few weeks. Consequently, I'll have to resort to plain ol' television. Nothing like masturbating to a hot and steamy episode of Elimidate to bring a Muskegeon Friday night to a close.

It's way past my bedtime. A day of uncertain temp assignments awaits. While you're reading this, I may be in the midst of messing up some otherwise simple office work like stapling or filing. Or even brewing coffee in the Chicago suburbs. Check back tomorrow to see how the day went.