The Daily Derenger

10/18/2002

Congratulations! You have been selected to receive a $7500 unsecured Platinum Credit Card from USA Platinum! You're approval is guaranteed*. Simply click on the link below to complete the application. This offer is valid even if you've had past credit problems or even no credit history. Now you can receive a $7,500 unsecured Platinum Credit Card that can help build your credit. And to help get your card to you sooner, we have been authorized to waive any employment or credit verification.

Now this is funny. I couldn't get approved to rent a movie. My credit is as horrendous as the Vin Diesel verson of "Hooked on Phonics." For instance, on my current comedy tour, I've made $475 more than I had planned. Hooooooooooooooray for me! Vegas is calling me! But so is Bank One, Bank of America, Allstate, Sprint, and MasterCard. Simply priceless.

And note the * next to the 'guaranteed'. This is what that really means: *Guaranteed Qualifications: You must be 18 years old, a U.S. citizen, or permanent resident (excluding Wisconsin) with an active checking account, a monthly household income of $800 or more and no undischarged bankruptcies. Hmmm. I fit all that criteria. Maybe it's not a hoax.

But the last thing I need is a credit card to run up and be unable to pay. I was involved in a pyramid scam back in '98 and still pay that loan every month. My Prizm's muffler is hanging like Bob Barker on a nude beach. I washed the bathrooms at Krispy Kreme just to cover my breakfast. If I had hair, I couldn't afford to get it cut. My girlfriend is fed up with not being fed at anywhere other aisle 3 at Aldi's.

If times continue like this, I will join the war vets and bums on the corners. WILL TELL JOKES FOR FOOD is what my sign will say. And since the pay I get now from comedy gets me only some food, I guess I'm already there. I will have my sign with me on stage from now on. Welcome to Scott Derenger's ShaveYourHead.com, where I write this stuff for food. Eat up damnit!

10/17/2002

I was taking a shit other day. Okay, so I was leaving a shit. It was one worthy of photographing and sending to family and friends. Even enemies and ex-girlfriends would have applauded at its site.

As I was debating what to do with the fecal monstrosity swimming in the bowl, one of the tennants of Hotel DelRio walked by and said, "Holy shit!" That's exactly what I was thinking. Now I of course had the bathroom door closed. His saying "holy shit" was in reference to the thermostat being so low. However, I saw it like there was a glass wall that he looked through to see my log of all logs. I stood there in appreciation and amazement while also having a loss for words. Eric filled in the words in the most ironic fashion possible.

Timing and delivery are everything in this business. Watch for this scene in an EddieDelrio Production coming to a theater near you. For now, I hope you've enjoyed the latest installment of my Daily Derenger @ ShaveYourHead.com.

10/16/2002

The other night I returned to the scene of the crime.
It happened just over 3 years ago.

I was working at a Pacific Rim restaurant called The
Bamboo Club. Back then it was privately owned by a
woman from Canada. Since then, she's sold the business
to the parent company of TGIFriday's who's opened
stores nationwide.

It was a Sunday night as I recall. The phone near the
hostess stand rang and I answered it. "Hello and thank
you for calling The Bamboo Club in Scottsdale, this is
Scott. How can I help you?"

"Can I speak to Dean," asked the person on the other
end. "Sure, may I ask who's calling?" I replied.

What ensued was something of a blur. I was told to
never ask who's calling. Check that. I was yelled at
for asking who was calling. The voice on the other end
belonged to that of the owner. She was using the tone
of a mother whose daughter had lied about babysitting
only to sneak out to see her boyfriend.

Now I had answered a phone on more than a few
occasions. I wasn't working for NASA nor was I cloning
Siamese twins. I was serving wine and Mongolian beef
for about 4 bucks an hour. When I had a minute to
answer the phone to help out, I did. In any other job
previously, asking who was calling was not only the
norm but seen as highly appeciated. Who the hell wants
to be bothered by a guy trying to sell 7-Up products
for a penny cheaper than Pepsi?

She continued and I did too. However, my continuing
invloved not listening. I had never gelled with her
and walked on eggshells around her because I didn't
kiss her ass. It was a nice place with great clientele
so I could deal with the shells. My unwillingness to
listen turned into the willingness to hang up. I
thought she was done talking and since I hadn't said
anything other than "who's calling," it seemed logical.

A few moments later I was called in the back office.
Dean, the GM, handed me the phone. The owner was
yapping away again and said something like "Give your
book to Dean and leave." For some reason I didn't hear
that clearly either. I had been fired essentially for
answering the phone incorrectly.

As shocked as I was, I saw the light at the end of the
tunnel. There will come a time when things will be
much better on my end. Dave and I (Letterman that is)
will be shooting the breeze in front of billions of
people and I will tell this sad story. Until then, I
will be teaching a class in
Pacific-Rim-restaurant-phone-answering-etiquette. Nah.
Maybe I'll just write a book on "How To Get Fired When
Working For Some Rich Canadian Bitch."

10/14/2002

Phoenix is well known for being very hot and having tons of deserts. I lived out here for 3 years and noticed something else they are now well known for. At least in my book. They have tons of homeless people - everywhere.

I asked the concierge where the nearest liquor store was. He said around the corner next to the homeless hotel. What? If they have a hotel they are not homeless then. It so happens that if they can scrounge up 10 bucks, they can pay for a daily room to rest in. Rest? Has holding a cardboard sign and asking for change become that tiresome? And why put the place next to a liquor store? What a tough decision: to take a nap and, heaven forbid, a shower or take shots of whiskey? If you've smelled or simply seen a homeless chap, the Jim Beam wins every time.

The Phoenix chapter of the "residentially challenged" ask for money all costs. This is because there aren't that many people who live or even work in downtown after 6pm. If they are asking for money around 8:30pm, they didn't have much luck with the lunch crowd. It then becomes Darwin-like as the homeless fight for just the opportuntiy to ask for some change. I even had a guy yell from across the street for money. He feared that I would be the last person passing his area of rest. Clearly he was desperate to land the sweet hotel gig. And it was only 9:15.

I'm excited about going home to Chicago. Our homeless are smarter than their Phoenix brethren. They sell a free newspaper for a dollar. And make money doing it. Others play some music, sing or tell jokes. Well I tell jokes and live out of a Prizm so I guess I'm one of them. But I smell better.