The Daily Derenger

10/12/2002

Erin and I went to the gay Denny's in Phoenix today. Is there really such a thing? Sure there is. It's on 7th Street and Camelback and should be visited on any and all trips here. We went for breakfast around 10am. It wasn't as gay as I made it seem, though. However, if we go tonight after my shows, it will be packed - literally. Many of the gay bars are near the Denny's. And nothing says "I love your rainbow sticker" like a meat lover's skillet.

Erin spent $2.50 playing the crane game. It had a Halloween theme so all the prizes were orange and black. She claimed that she's a pro. Why she would brag about such a thing is beyond me. She won 4 out of 5 times. Now there's a black cat, a witch, a Fraggle-looking creature and a candy-corn dog in the back seat of the Prizm.

There were many colorful balloons scattered throughout the restaurant. A lady in her 60s was blowing them up for the kids. And for Bruce, Fuzz and Peter at table 3, all holding hands and wearing matching Cher t-shirts. That 60-something lady was someone's aunt or mother. What a job to have. "What does your mom do again?" She works in the service industry. The point here is that when you think your job really sucks, you could be blowing up balloons at a gay Denny's. Where all the customers really suck, too.

10/11/2002

So I visited an Arizona Bank One the other day. I had to make an "in-house" transaction which is rarely heard of these days. As I approached the teller, I noticed that she was behind some thick, seemingly bullet-proof glass. This was a good thing since I had forgotten to brush my teeth. I'm guessing the glass was to keep the tellers safe and the money in the bank; bad breath was the least of their worries. However, halitosis could do more damage than a handgun. I'd take a 9mm over some non-brushed teeth with just-eaten-garlic-hummus-breath any day.

10/09/2002

I'm sure you're wondering Where in the World is Matt Lauer's hair? And where is that bald headed Scott Derenger these days?

Well, I'm back where the comedy all began for me in 1997: Phoenix, AZ. I've been gone for almost 3 years and the roads are in worse shape than ever. If it weren't for temps in the mid-90s and adobe structures every 7 feet, I would think all the brake lights and orange signs would have me in Chicago.

I laid in the sun today. Well I laid in the sun's rays today. Had I actually laid in the sun, I think writing about the experience would be towards the bottom of my "things to do after I lay in the sun" list. As I was gathering my things, my old roommate Eric said to me, "You're laying in the sun ... in October?" I wasn't aware that I needed to phone mother nature to see if this was okay. Or maybe it was a city of Tempe ordinance implemented since I left. "Hell yes I'm laying in the sun in October. It's 95 degrees out. You want me to go re-sod the backyard instead?" Had I gone to lay in the sun in, let's say, Saskatchwewan, where it was 38 today, someone could question that. Depending on the exchange rate, 38 could be 45 degrees in Canada so perhaps that could affect something.

Considering that I make a living standing in front of strangers trying to make them laugh, I might as well try to look good doing so. The region above my neck is nothing a GQ exec would salivate over yet when it's tan, it looks kinda nice all bronzed and shiny. I'm the Mini-Me verison of Vin Diesel. Now I'm off to cash my Mini-Me version of a Vin Diesel check. $400 for a weeks' work. Easily comparable to the $10 million for his next movie. Good day.

10/08/2002

In Show Low, AZ there is a used car salesman. He is also the Justice of the Peace in town. How convenient. Get married and get a deal on some wheels. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to join this man ... and this '98 Cavalier Convertible."

In other news ...

I got pulled over today while driving to Show Low. I guess I was doing 74 in a 60. Now mind you Show Low, AZ is between nowhere and B.F.E. Seeing the cop car was the first sign of life I could recall. He wasn't buying it though. I told him I was a comic heading to a show. Or maybe he asked what the hell I was doing in the middle of nowhere. In any case, he planned on giving me a written warning. As he walked to his car to do the writing, some other driver broke the law more than I had. The cop came right back, gave me my info and told me that someone just did something worse. I was given a verbal warning. Lucky me. Since I'm staying at a casino hotel, perhaps I should go try my luck at the one-armed bandits. I've never been a gambler and like even less to just throw money into a machine and bidding it farewell. I'd rather have some personal interaction while losing my cash. Something about having the last word and an empty wallet that makes it all relative.