The Daily Derenger

10/04/2002

I'd like to have something to write but I don't. Well I do. But I need to get to bed. Why? Because I have to wake up in less than 6 hours to be funny on the radio for the Albuquerque faithful.

I wasn't even supposed to do radio 'cause nobody gives a damn about the guy in the middle of the show. The club manager said to me, "You got a car, right? Can you drive him to the radio spots?" As long as I can get on the show, too. "Fine." So I will be on, hung-over and cranky.

Welcome to morning radio and life as a comic. One with a car and a website to plug.

10/02/2002

I'm in Albuquerque, NM and I know not a single soul in this town. I was here back in March to audition at the club I'm playing this week. So I guess my audition went well.

I do have an interesting memory of a time passing through this city. And I'm not gonna refer to "this city" by its real name since it's so hard to spell. Or maybe 'cause it's late and I'm lazy.

It was an early-January morning back in '97. Mom and I were in my '92 Chevy Lumina with all of my belongings stuffed in the backseat and trunk. I think we stayed the night before in Oklahoma 'cause it was snowing. We ate dinner that same night in a BBQ joint in downtown Oklahoma City and were the lone patrons in the place. Bonding time of sorts for Mom and I.

I had planned on either moving to Phoenix for as long as I could last, staying in Phoenix for a few weeks and then heading to Los Angeles, or staying in Phoenix a few weeks and heading back to Chicago to get the rest of my shit to move back to Phoenix. That's the reason why Mom and I made the trek.

We pulled in to what I believe was an Amoco station on that January day. There was a nice looking young lady pumping her gas on the other side of "my" pump. I had worked at a gas station for 3 years doing full serves and fluid checks so I was in my element. Or so I thought. I washed my windows and chiselled the bugs off the Lumina all the while paying attention to the hottie throwing some petroleum in her vehicle. I paid for the gas, got in the car and drove off.

One thing I forgot though. As I drove away from the pump, I glanced in the side mirror to see the gas hose still in my tank. I had not hung up the nozzle and instead had ripped the hose from the pump. Luckily there was no gasoline spilling out. My embarrassment was however. I didn't look to see if the girl was still there. It was bad enough that I had my entire life in the car and that the car was a Lumina and that my mom was riding shotgun. But then I looked even more pathetic with the hose tagging unexpectedly along. Mom was laughing her rear-end off as I went in and asked what I could do. They weren't sure because nothing like that had ever happened there. I simply removed the nozzle, laid it next to the pump and drove off with whatever pride I had left.

So that is my most memorable moment about this city to date. Hopefully, better things lie ahead. Let it be known that I filled up just outside of this city and don't intend to use a full tank of gas while here. Looks like there won't be any repeats of the '97 mishap. But if something similar happens, Mom will be the first to know.

10/01/2002

Last night Jay Leno had on what was allegedly the world's smartest dog. Having seen the dog walk up a flight of stairs on her hind legs, I'd have to agree. Well, that doesn't necessarily take smarts but it does take skill. Sweet Pea was definitely one of the most talented and skillful dogs I've seen.

Maybe I was so impressed with Sweet Pea because of the dog at my house. Pepper is a 9-year-old German Short-Haired Pointer who eats better than many people. If you took the food Pepper has eaten in her days and fed it to the starving kids on those commercials, Sally Struthers would be outta work. It's easy to see (and say) that nobody in our house is underfed, including the lone species of canine.

Pepper has little talent to speak of. She can sit, lay down, and speak on command. That's about where it ends. You say or even whisper the word 'thunder' and she clings to the nearest human leg. Not to hump it but to shiver next to it. I'm not quite sure where this fear came from since we've had her since she was a very young puppy. Maybe a little tormenting could explain it? Who? My brother and I tormenting a dog? And we still do it to this day. It's just fun to see a 90-pound dog go from ecstatic to petrified in the single mention of 'thunder'.

My mom and step-dad have never really treated Pepper as a dog. She rides in the car more than I do and gets the front seat to boot. There are doggie noses on the windows of every vehicle as well as holes in the seat where she claws on for a better grip turning the corners. She owns every couch in the house and how dare anyone to try to stretch out with Pepper at the opposite end. A savage-like growl will follow and possibly a snap at your feet if you think she's kiddin'. She even staked such claim to the bed in my mom's room that they went out and bought a larger bed.

Pepper may not be the world's smartest dog but she may be the most spoiled. Wait, I think I hear thunder. Somewhere in the house Pepper is shaking like Ricky Martin in prison.