The Daily Derenger

9/21/2002

Montana has, shall I say, a few casinos. I call this place Vegas Jr. just without the hookers, pimps and entertainment. If Sigfried and Roy's white tigers came to Montana, these guys would shoot 'em. And the tigers. They hunt here every day as a way of life. I'm from Chicago. We hunt, too. But we hunt each other; they shoot elk and other wild game. We shoot wild kids and homeless people.

Now the casinos aren't your huge casinos with blackjack dealers and craps tables. Rather, they are small ones where you play electronically. The funny part is that these casinos are everywhere. In bars, grocery stores and laundromats. That's just asking for trouble. "Honey, did you bring home some milk and bread like I asked?" "No, sorry baby. I played the slots and didn't win any food."

The laundromat would be even worse. You know some idiot is gonna go in there with a buttload of quarters, throw the clothes in the washing machines, and then go gamble. He'll come back to dry the clothes and find out he's got no money left. "Why in the hell are your jeans all wet?" "Well I was playing video poker and thought the house was gonna fold. They tricked me and I lost. Now my pants are soaked and I have a rash on my ass."

9/20/2002

For those of you who weren't aware, the ShaveYourHead.com family sufferend a tremendous loss last week. Maverick, my 8-year-old beard & mustache trimmer, was fatally wounded. I tried to put him back together but to no avail.

In the days since Maverick's passing, my hair has grown out of control. I could even pull the hair that had grown on my head. My facial scruff resembled that of a serial killer. I simply couldn't bring myself to buy another trimmer so the homeless/inmate look kept on.

Well, yesterday around 7pm MST, the ShaveYourHead.com family finally welcomed a new member. Precision, a 7-ounce Remington beard and mustache trimmer, was purchased. Precision is about 6 inches long with a slight curve for easier trimming. He's doing well and as I write, he sits nursing his AC adapter plugged into the bathroom outlet. A cozy carrying case and a brush to clean him off also join our family.

I wasn't too sure how I would feel about replacing Maverick with Precision. But I look at it this way, Maverick would've wanted me to see other trimmers. He wouldn't have wanted me to let my hair grow out and suffer the embarrassment and humiliation that so many men suffer whether it be from the great recession or comb-overitis. Maverick would've more than approved of Precision.

Precision did a great job in his debut. There were no cuts, no knicks, no errors. He even was used without the aid of batteries. Simply charging him for a few minutes gave him the energy to finish his first trim.

I kept Maverick around until this inevitable time came. A part of me thought that maybe he would miraculously be reborn and take the trimming reigns once again. Instead, the torch of trim has been passed on to Precision. Now Maverick will be buried in the very box that Precision called home while on the Wal-Mart-in-Butte-Montana-shelf. I can't think of a more deserving way for Maverick to leave my travel bag and go to the vanity in the sky.

Let the trumpets sound and the tears roll for Maverick is no more. Please remember that it is better to have loved and to have been shaved by Maverick than to always use a straight edge razor.

9/18/2002

How can Sprint be so horrible? I know I'm in Montana but at least my phone should work. I have no signal in Montana. Roaming fees apply if I want to use my phone. I'm already paying almost a hundred bucks a month for the plan. I need financial aid to make a call in roam. And to Rome, too, for that matter. This roaming shit is for the birds. And nomads.

Sprint brags about being the only all-digital, all-clear cellular company. Not in Montana they aren't. Just because the entire state has less than a million people doesn't mean there aren't tourists here. Or at least a comic who is hungry for work. My poor mother can't even get a hold of me. She couldn't operate a computer to save her life so my phone is the only way. If you read this, please notify her that I'm okay, but scared, lonely and frustrated. And buzzed from 4 cups of coffee. And, NO, I'm not buying a calling card. I have a damn cell phone to use in the states. Contrary to what some may think, Montana is still a state. What Sprint PCS means is "Pathetic Commincation System."

Hey Sprint, can you hear me now? Nope? Too bad. Verizon can. Even up in Montana. Time to make the switch.

9/16/2002

This will be a rather informative Daily Derenger as I will throw you some facts about one of our nation's most phenomenal monuments, Mount Rushmore. Sure you can read about it in a book or online, but earlier today I visited the site. So Scott Derenger the comedian becomes Scott Derenger the historian and teacher. Yet another perk, if you will, of being a traveling comic. Don't worry, the new titles won't last long, I'm sure.

The following are facts I learned at a free information session near the base of the mountain. There are more expensive tours that require a parking fee, but since I'm playing in Montana this week for next to nothing, I opted to park with the other cheap folks.

*Mount Rushmore was the design of Idaho-born Lincoln Borglun.
*His work was halted in 1941and never finished. Borglun died at the age of 60.
*In real life, Abraham Lincoln had a left ear but because of Borglun's death, Lincoln's face was never finished.
*Since it was a work of art, it was left as is. There will never be any additions to Mount Rushmore.
*The mount was named after New York lawyer Charles Rushmore. He was on a tour of the land near the mount in the latter years of the 1800s. Rushmore asked the guide what the name of the peak that later became Mount Rushmore was called. The guide answered, "It hasn't a name." Jokingly, the guide then said, "We'll name it after you, sir, and call it Mount Rushmore." Word of this got out among the locals and those passing through and the name stuck.
*Rushmore sent $5000 to Borglun to put towards the project in 1927.
*Rushmore wasn't the only lawyer involved. Both Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln were lawyers.
*George Washington was the first president on the mount.
*Since Thomas Jefferson was the President in office at the time of the Louisiana Purchase and never got out West to see the land, Borglun wanted to pay tribute to Jefferson. Borglun tried to put Jefferson's face on the right of Washington's, making it the presidential head furthest west. However, the rock next to Washington wasn't durable enough and, although Jefferson's face was begun, it was soon chipped away and rebuilt on Washington's left.
*Theodore Roosevelt's face is set so far back because of the fate similary suffered by the initial Jefferson attempt. The rock had to be blasted back far enough to make it suitable for sculpting. Only 20 feet of rock lay behind Roosevelt's face.

There may be more facts that escape me right now. Well, enjoy what you have. There will be more things to educate you on while I'm out West. Keep it at ShaveYourHead.com as your source of U.S. History.