The Daily Derenger

9/14/2002

Yesterday I went to an Omaha mall and got kicked out of the dollar store for eating ice cream. If there is one place in the mall where you should eat, it's the dollar store. What could I ruin in that place? What, maybe I'll spill on the fuzzy dice? And heaven forbid my Dairy Queen Blizzard bring up the value of the joint. Hell, it was over twice as much as all the shit in that place. I'm thinking the owners just thought I was a show off coming in their store with something that cost over a dollar. In their best Asian accent, which was much better than mine because they were Asian, they told me to leave. Perhaps if I would've been eating rice pudding, things may have ended differently.

This particular mall, Crossroads, was said to be the best one in Omaha yet it was as barren as Calista Flockhart's refridgerator. Many places weren't even open in there. I think it's going to be renamed "Guess Which Store Is Going To Close Next." An employee at a music store even referred to it as the "ghetto" mall. Even the Taco Bell in the food court had closed up shop. Come on now, if you can't support fart-factory that is Taco Bell, you're in bad shape. That rules out eating a burrito and then unleashing its wrath in the dollar store.

As we were leaving, we passed a store called Munchville. Munchville? That sounds like the name of a small lesbians-only community. Welcome to Munchville where rugs and carpet are eaten all day. It was a popcorn store. But how does the name Munchville get approved? Oh, I heard that KD Lang and Rosie O'Donnell are on the board of directors.

9/13/2002

September 12th, 2002 will forever be remembered as a day of infamy and tragedy. The ShaveYourHead.com family suffered a major loss never felt before in our nearly two year history. We lost Maverick.

Maverick was an 8-year-old beard and mustache trimmer that took his last bite of hair at 7:23pm CST yesterday. He was an integral part of my life even before ShaveYourHead.com came into existence. Maverick was given to me as a gift when the shaving of my head was still some three years away. However, my lame, sparsely scattered facial hair needed to be groomed on occasion. Maverick was more than up to the challenge.

In his first few years, Maverick saw little use. He sat beside numerous electric and disposable razors awaiting his turn. Then, in early June of 1997, Maverick began to shine bright. My hair had thinned to a pathetic near comb-over look at the ripe old age of 22. I was thought to be in my 30's by most strangers and even some friends who I had lost touch with. My sister, 12 years my junior, was thought to be my daughter. I couldn't take the pain and suffering any longer. The brown locks that flailed in the wind like eight pieces of wheat on an Iowa plain had seen their last day.

As the years passed, my facial hair began to gather some thickness, though nothing like that of a ZZ Top band member. Maverick saw mixed duty on the head and face because much of the shaving was done by the quick, smooth, and efficient Mach 3. But when the hair had grown a bit too thick for even the Mach 3, Maverick came in and cleaned house.

He even saw some action in the southern regions of the body. I don't think Maverick was a big fan of this since he often times bit where he was just supposed to trim. Perhaps it was the thickness of his victims' jungle-like surroundings that was unappealing to him.

I have tried to put Maverick back together but to no avail. The cuttings, trimmings, close shaves, and buzzing sounds are all gone. Let it be known, though, that Maverick's buzzing sound was much like that of a similarly shaped device used in the southern regions of many women. And some men I guess. Oftentimes, Maverick would get "turned-on" while lying in my travel bag and some folks would be a little curious as to what was making the vibrating noise. Maverick was surely an attention seeker and just when he thought you had ignored him too long, he'd begin buzzing and raising some eyebrows. Luckily, he never shaved any of them off.

Now I must lay Maverick to rest and find a replacement. I will mourn his loss for a few days knowing that the shaving of the head must go on without him. I'm sure Maverick will look down from the big vanity in the sky and be proud. Maybe Montana will be a nice place to purchase another trimmer, knowing full well that there will only be one Maverick. Keep it right here to see who the new addition to the ShaveYourHead.com family will be.

9/08/2002

Just some random thoughts on a Sunday night.

Did you ever wonder how many car accidents are caused by people trying to read the crosses on the sides of the road? I feel for the victims and their families but writing on a cross that stands 2-feet high is absurd. And since most of these cross bouquets are on busy roadways, there is rarely a chance to stop and really read them. This is a very cyclical thing: people die, memorials get put up, people try and read them, and they die. If this comedy thing doesn't work out, I'll get into the road-cross-making business.

It's also a wonder why some people go to college. I talked to these 2 girls after a recent show of mine and asked where they went to school. I then asked what the enrollment was at their school. They said they didn't know but they did know how many people were at Jake's Place every Tuesday night for dollar drafts. And to think I missed the opportunity to get educated with such co-eds. If the comedy and road-cross-making business both fall through, perhaps finishing college will be the way to go.