The Daily Derenger

4/17/2002

So this friend of mine is dating a diabetic chick. He has told me of the great sex they've been having. She's not your typical diabetic though. I guess she uses this pump method of getting insulin into her body and not the standard shots with a needle. (My mom and many other diabetic friends and relatives have used only the needles which I am familiar with.) The pump is attached to her like a pager which sends the appropriate amount of insulin to the body through a tube near her stomach. Part of the tube is always in the body while the part of the tube connected to the "pager" can be disconnected. (I took some serious notes.) Anyways ... I guess in the middle of them having wild, crazy, sweaty, ape-like sex, the tube portion in her body came out. He told me that he usually pumps the fuck outta her, but this time he fucked the pump outta her! Ohhhhhhh helllllllllll nooooooooo!!!

4/16/2002

Last night a friend and I went to a bar for her friend's birthday. I didn't know anyone aside from my friend so I just hung out and watched the tube. I jumped into some conversations eventually when I saw the pile of gifts. One such gift was handed to me. It was a blue, dolphin-vibrating clit stimulator. I don't know what it is with the dolphins and vibrators these days. I dated a girl last summer who had one, I saw about 7 different kinds of them at a sex shop in Denver, and now last night's birthday gift to Molly. This particular one was not of the penis-like fashion. It was small, blue and jelly like in it's texture. It was designed to directly stimulate the clit while being attached to a thong and worn during sex ... or alone. "Worn during sex" huh? For the women who like the cock but have that lame fuckin' guy who can't make them cum. But, being a guy, this is a great invention. Sometimes it's tough to have access to the clitty, clit, clit. I've sprained my wrist just trying to get to it. This method keeps the guy focused on the lady with the option to hold a beer and TV controller. And she gets off, too. Hats off to Flipper.

4/15/2002

Spring is in the air. The birds are chirping. The sun in shining. The temps are in the 80's. All this only means one thing: it's time to move again.

I haven't the foggiest idea of what I'm doing come May 1st, but today I bade farewell to another roommate. He and his fiancee have a nice place just down the street and I helped them with the last of his belongings. I guess that's one thing that sucks about being a comedian, if I'm not working the road, I'm available to help move. I don't have another job so my friends, or even those people who know I'm just a comic now, can call on me to help lug a couch down 3 flights of stairs and then up another 4 at their new place. And write jokes about the whole ordeal.

Today's move wasn't all that bad. The big stuff was already moved over the weekend so I actually lucked out. Had I not seen the sights of Muscatine, IA and other choice real estate, I would have been smack dab in the middle of boxes and bags of someone else's shit. Like George Carlin says, "Isn't it funny how your shit it stuff and other people's stuff is shit!"

You'll be able to find more of my "stuff" on moving on my journal page in the near future. It's a gorgeous day in Chicago and I need to head outside. Later.