Puzzled by Valentine's Day

By Scott Deininger
SPECIAL TO THE HERALD NEWS
2/13/2005

What to get her for Valentine’s Day? Yep, it’s right around the corner. Tomorrow to be exact.

In most recent celebrations of hugs and hearts, I’ve been conveniently single. Or simply not involved enough to put much thought into a gift. The 2005 version is playing out a little differently. Katie and I have been dating for seven months. That means a card and some grocery store flowers won’t suffice.

You’d think that my being a professional comedian would afford me some creative, fun gift-giving ideas. But such is not the case.

I do know what I won’t be considering, though – any of the commercials promoting Vermont Teddy Bears, Pajama-grams or Naming a Star after someone.

Now while I get the teddy bear and pajama ideas being somewhat cute, they don’t appear so creative or original. Hello! They’re advertised all over the radio, in newspapers and on televisions in every city I’ve been through.

(If you’ve already purchased one - or both - of these for your sweetie, good luck. And know that if I awake February 14th without having bought her anything, I may drive the Prizm all the way to Vermont for a bear. I figure the lengthy trip will be enough time for her to cool down.)

But you can take it to the bank that I will never Name a Star after someone. Ever. And if someone were to name one after me, I’d be hard-pressed not to slap ‘em upside the head, allowing them to see stars of their own, and ask, “Just what the heck were you thinking?”

Naming a Star after me? Are you serious? You know couples in Chicago will be gazing at what they think is their star while another 38 couples downstate are calling the same star theirs. What an ingenious piece of marketing! You’ll eventually sue the other couples for viewing your star and ultimately be granted visitation rights on the second and third Wednesday of each month not ending in “y.”

A star for me? For real? My only brush with formal astronomy was at Joliet Junior College. It seemed like an interesting class and, more importantly, it was located just a few steps away from the student newspaper for which I was the sports editor. Convenience has always been key.

“All your tests will be open book,” the instructor informed us on day one. “And most of the classes will be in the dark. Your chairs lean back and you can see the night sky in all its beauty.”

Close classroom proximity, open book tests, lights off and chairs that lean back – what more could an average student ask for? I had enrolled in a 3-credit nap course for adults. And now I can find Orion’s belt with unparalleled conviction.

I thought by 30 I’d be buying my wife something nice for Valentine’s Day. Maybe some flashy jewelry or dinner at a 5-star restaurant. (There’s those pesky stars again.) But as it is I’m wifeless and scrambling around for something memorable. Assuredly if I get her nothing she’ll remember that forever.

Women are much simpler than we think, though. Instead of competing with other guys who have more money, we just need to put some thought and effort into the gift. You’ve seen the episode of the Cosby Show where the guys could only spend a maximum of $10 on their ladies. The ladies vowed to not be the least bit impressed, yet when they each opened the thoughtful gift they became jello.

What about if I gave up buying things as my Lenten sacrifice? What great logic! Two birds with one stone. Could Katie, a lifelong Catholic, be upset at that?

Even I won’t take that risk. I am giving up fast food, which ensures that she’ll have no extra value meal as part of a Valentine’s Day dinner. She can have the steak and lobster and I’ll indulge in the kid’s menu.

And thank my lucky stars for chicken nuggets

02/13/05