An Expensive Trip to Wausau

By Scott Deininger
SPECIAL TO THE HERALD NEWS
3/7/2005

Surely you're dying to know how much a night in lovely Wausau, Wisconsin costs. A lot more than you'd think.

I was booked for a single night in Wausau, a place I had played and done well at twice before. Figuring the Chicago traffic would be hectic on a Friday, I opted to leave from Shorewood, head west on I-80 and then north on 1-39 right into Wausau.

The Prizm was packed with two weeks worth of folded laundry, a basket in the trunk and one wobbling around the backseat. They would serve as my travel companions.

As I glided along 1-39 just past Wisconsin Dells, I passed two police cars on my left, one right in front of the other on the shoulder of the road. Like every other law-abiding citizen I slowed down as soon as I saw them. But it was too late. Within seconds, lights were flashing and I was a wanted man. There was a lot of traffic, so part of me hoped that maybe the lights weren't for me. No such luck, though.

“Do you know why I pulled you over,” the officer asked.

“'Cause your monthly quota includes a bald guy in a Prizm?”

Wrong answer. He proceeded to tell me I was going 80 in a 65 and then asked for my driver's license.

“Any reason you were driving so fast?”

“Well to be quite honest, officer, have you taken a look at this state? Not much to see. Figured I'd get up to Wausau as soon as possible.”

He even chuckled a bit and then made his way back to his car. I kept my seatbelt on while he was gone, hoping that he would see this and cut me some slack.

“Were you aware that you have an outstanding ticket up here?” the officer asked me after returning to the Prizm.

“Outstanding? Well thank you. Do I win something?”

“It's an outstanding AND unpaid speeding ticket from February of 2002.”

I vaguely remembered the incident but hadn't received anything about it in over two years.

“Well I'm giving you a ticket for speeding today and I'm also giving you one for the 2002 violation.” And he handed them to me.

“A hundred-and-eighty-one dollars? Is that right? Each?”

And it was right, totaling $362.

“Do you have any further questions?” the officer asked.

“Yeah, can I borrow $362?”

I was living and grateful at the same time. “At least I'll have something to write about and share with the Wausau natives,” I mumbled to the laundry.

The officer then told me I wasn't supposed to drive with two tickets.

“By law I have to inform you that it's illegal to drive at this point. I'm just letting you know.”

“Well can I catch a lift to Wausau then?” I asked. “I have to work in two hours. I'll get you in for free and maybe buy you a beer or something.”

He wasn't willing, so instead I drove off. People passed me left and right, actually only on the left since I never again drove fast enough to be in the left lane. I simply wiped the tears and waved, also holding open my empty wallet. It then dawned on me that with the amount of the tickets and the $150 I was getting paid, I actually paid Wausau $212 to entertain them. (Who knew solving word problems would actually come in handy?)

When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. Or in this case, when an officer hands you $362 in speeding tickets, you say, “Thanks. These are expensive jokes.”

Scott Deininger is a stand-up comedian from Shorewood and can be contacted thru his website, www.ShaveYourHead.com.

03/07/05