Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 08/08/2000
Derenger Shot #9
Capri Pants, Restaurant Etiquette
Last week I bagged on those with their cargo pants - both men and women. Today I'm starting my shots with somethings called " Capri " pants. These are just for the ladies.
If you're a guy with these pants, you probably have a matching purse as well.
Where in the hell did this idea come from? "I don't want to wear pants nor do I want to wear shorts. How 'bout something in between? They can go past the knee and stop at the middle of the calf. We'll call them Capri pants." This is simply absurd. As if it didn't take woman long enough to get ready to begin with. C'mon, this is as ingenious a fashion trend as the not-really-a-skirt-but-not-really-shorts-either piece of clothing called a "skort." Skirts are sexy. If you're too much of a prude to wear one, don't try to fool me with the frontal skirt and rear shorts look. But since I am a guy, I'll still ask for your number hoping there are better outfits where that came from. How pathetic! Can we propel indeciveness any more? If these Capri things are really here to say, let's at least stick with the creativity and rename them "shants?"
While I was working as a waiter this weekend, I witnessed what may be the reason America is in shambles today. A family of three came in on a Saturday night around 8p.m, and sat in my section - a mother and father and their 6 year old son. The son set up his lap top computer and began watching a DVD movie during dinner. The parents were fine with this. As a matter of fact, they didn't even talk amongst themselves while junior was engulfed in the technology of today. Another missed opportunity tot alk to your children about drugs.
I'm still a bit uncertain as to what pissed me off more, the entire family or the fact that this travesty took place in my section. Hell, at least a few blue haired old ladies would've chatted with me. If you can't have a nice dinner with your family and talk about the day's activities or what tomorrow may bring, what the hell are you here for? That computer controlled kid will be the next Columbine psycho! Why should I think otherwise? If mom and dad let the computer baby sit him in their midst, what happens at home or while they're at work?
Technology is making everything easier and accessible. As this happens, personal interaction is dwindling and machines are taking over. I can't even go into my bank and conduct a transaction with the teller without getting charged a fee. "Go through the machine outside," I'm told. Sure, at times I like that luxury, but damn it, there are times when a genuine smile is preferred versus an automated thank you. And I don't want to be charged $1.50 because I have time to say hello to you!!!
Now, I'm going to continue on with the experiences from this weekend while working. Waiting tables enables me to field some dumb questions. Therefore, I need an outlet in which I can vent my frustrations. Everyone has waited tables or has been waited on so NOBODY is left in the dark here.
There needs to be a restaurant etiquette guide for those who have not worked in the service industry. I don't care what company you're the CEO of or how much your net worth is, if you're an idiot in my presence, I may be forced to cal you on it, plain and simple.
If I tell you we have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Iced T, and Root Beer, your response should NEVER be "What about Dr. Pepper?" 'Cause it's not a conspiracy. I'm not keeping anything from you. There's not a huge cooler filled with Dr. Pepper in the back that only the servers drink - we don't have Dr. Pepper!
When I inform you that our salad dressings include Ranch, Bleu Cheese, Honey Dijon, and Caesar, it is FORBIDDEN to ask the whereabouts of French! At this point, I'm fully aware as to your desire for Dr. Pepper and French dressing. Therefore, I'm able to assess the situation and bet the house that both these items exist somewhere all to familiar to you - in your refridgerator! If you feel that I'm a deceitful individual, then stay home and eat!
Next. I realize a wine's place in the complete dining experience. The language that goes with describing it will have me puzzled for ages. I have a problem with someone asking for a "dry" wine. There needs to be a better term. Wine is a liquid. Liquids are wet. I don't see how wet and dry can be in the same item. I also thought pants and shorts were seperate things. However, we now know that is no longer the case.
I had a customer ask for a wine that was "chewy." Chewy? Wine is not chewy. It will never be chewy. Chewy describes two things: a granola bar and Han Solo's sidekick - that's it.
And finally, never ever will I understand how "full bodied" can describe a wine. Full bodied? Rosie O'Donnell is full bodied. Wine is red, pink or white. Pick a color and let's go! The restaurant shots are many. I will touch on only one more for now. If I have to get in the middle of one more fight over who pays the goddamn bill, I'm gonna kill one of you. That may just solve the problem. What's the big frickin' deal? If Bob wants to pay for dinner, then Steve, you stubborn sonofabitch, let Bob pay! If Bob pays the next time you go out, then let the dumb ass pay again. "You always pay!" Well good, enjoy the luxury of having either a rich friend or idiotic one. I'm a comic. That means I've got no money - take me out to eat if you want to pay for a meal.
Well, that's it. I'm off to work for none other than a wine tasting seminar. If I learn of more ways to flower up a wine, I'll include them next week. But until then, just love and laff.
