Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 08/01/2000

Derenger Shot #8

Everybody in Cargo

I own a pair of cargo pants. I don't know how this happened. I really don't have that much "cargo" to need pants specially designed for my "cargo." I thought cargo referred to freight trains and semi-trailers. How did Abercrombie & Fitch get in the mix?

These damn cargo pants are everywhere. They are perhaps the equivalent of the Michael Jackson-zipper-jacket from the mid-80s. Nobody needed a jacket with more zippers than blonde jokes have punchlines. Today, nobody needs pants with seven-hundred-and-six pockets. Nobody. If you're a guy and you've got so much cargo that you need more than the standard supply of pockets, you're probably gay! Get a purse.

Just wondering, could the pockets on the side of the thigh be any larger? I can put a piano in there! Nobody needs this much room in a pocket anywhere let alone on the side of your frickin' leg! Try walkin' and it'll throw off your balance. You'll get stopped by a cop for a W.U.I.

An observation. Many people I see wearing these pants are pot smokers. You thought stoners couldn't find their keys before? But cargo pants may reduce the amount of marijuana consumed. By the time the pot head has searched his forty-seventh pocket, just on his left leg mind you, he'll be so tired and frustrated that getting high will be the least of his priorities. Shit, he'll be worn out. He'll need a nap.

On other shots . . .

Last week I noted that one doesn't find many an Asian gent in porno. It's not a knock against the Asian male or stated with any racial undertone. It's just simply the truth!

I then got to thinking about how many more things you'd be likely to see then an Asian guy in a porno. Here are a few.

You'd be more likely to see (or hear) . . .

12. A "hit" from Barry Manilow.

11. Old men with clothes on in the gym lockerroom.

10. The Cubs winning the World Series

9. Ike Turner announced as "Lifetime Network's Man of the Year."

8. A Mexican family driving by and not stopping at a garage sale.

7. OJ as a guest speaker at a N.O.W. meeting.

6. Madonna saying "No means no."

5. Bacon at a Bar Mitzfah.

4. Someone letting a Johova's Witness inside.

3. Richard Simmons going down on a woman.

2. Michael Jackson featured in black history month.

1. A two-armed drummer in Def Leppard.

I'm not feeling overly witty at the moment. It comes in spurts. I have a plethora of topics to touch on, however. They include waiting tables, living at home, the community college life and baldness among others. Don't miss next week's Derenger Shots when I talk about . . . you'll have to find out for yourself. Until then, love and laff.