Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 07/25/2000

Derenger Shot #7

A Threesome, The Deaf Are Insensitive

I'm in Indianapolis working the comedy clubs here and have a lot of free time to think and write. Here goes the shots. . .

I'm staying with 2 hot chicks. All is well, right? Wrong. Their neighbor's goddamn dog is barking all the frickin' time . . . and loud too!  I'm a hard working road comic so I sleep 'til noon , get up for a snack and go back to bed 'til 3 or 4! I need my sleep and I'll be damned if a canine will
interfere with my needs! You would think the dog's owners would do something about this, right? Wrong. They don't give a shit. They act like they don't even know it's going on for cryin' out loud! And they don't . . . really.  They're DEAF! Both of them - husband and wife.

How rude on their part. What nerve. The audacity. Buying a dog that barks all day and not being able to tell it to "shut the hell up!" And why would they yell such a thing? They just see the dog opening his mouth. They think he's trying to catch flies.

I know seeing eye dogs exist. I've never heard of a hearing aid dog.  An untapped market!!! The dollar signs are flashing as the wheels are turning. And the wheels are probably squeaky too. Those damn dog owners wouldn't know that either. Bastards.

So besides being hot and 23 (one even has breast implants - ha, ha!), the 2 ladies here smoke . . . a lot, almost as much as that dog barks! And it's their place so they can do whatever the hell they want. There's so much smoke in their place it looks like the set of the sequel to Backdraft!!!  They're really cool otherwise. I'm not a smoker. Make sense now?

I was going to their pool the other day and one of them, Amy, told me I shouldn't use sun tan oil with an SPF lower than 15. "It's very bad for your skin. You'll get skin cancer if you're not careful," she warned me . . . as she took a puff of a cigarette while in between rolling joints and drinking a beer. "Are you serious?", I yelled with excitement knowing that this was material unfolding right before me. I wish the neighbors could hear this!

I couldn't believe it. She was advising me what to do to keep my skin from becoming leather while her lungs were turning as black as Tina Turner's left eye after Ike downed 3 forty ouncers I love the irony in these moments.

Smokers kill me. Not as often as they kill themselves, but you know where I'm coming from.  I've never smoked. I've never done drugs. Not even marijuana.  Ever.  But I still eat Twinkie and Cheetoh sandwiches on occasion.

I hate smelling like smoke. My clothes. My hair - okay my eyebrows - stink. For every puff a smoker takes, I should be able to fart. Seriously.  Smoking is far worse than farting but smokers are quick to condemn my flatulence. Why? The hell with them I say. It's easy - you light one up, I'm letting one out. That simple. My farts will linger for a few minutes.
Cigarette smell with stay on your clothes forever or until you Fabreeze the shit out of them!

It's no contest. Farts are by far superior to smokes. I'll even back this up with truths:

10 Reasons Why Farting is Better Than Smoking

These next few things are just random thoughts. I may use them in my act this week.

You never see an Asian guy in a porno. Bruce Lee could fight but he was no John Holmes. He wasn't even Sherlock Holmes. You would actually need Sherlock Holmes in a porno to help Asian men find their dicks!

When one Siamese twin has sex, there's always a 100% chance there will be at least a 3-some.

That's it. Join me next week as I throw shots at cargo pants among other things. 'Til then, laff and love . . .