Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 07/18/2000

Derenger Shot #6

Fat and Homeless

Hmmmm. What to talk about this week? How 'bout fat people, the homeless, and bathroom valets. Here goes.

I love fat people. They are usually fun loving and full of cheer. But most of all, they've given me lots of money and laughs over the years. You see, most of my family is fat. I, on the other hand, am slender and in shape. They choose to not exercise and eat like every meal is their last while gaining pounds upon pounds just thinking about a large supreme pizza. I can eat one and probably lose a few in the process.

But fat people, as a whole, aren't troubling to me. It's the fat ones who are lazy pigs that baffle me. They even have commercials for these rejects. Something like, "If you're not happy with the size of your butt. If your legs are chunky or your arms are flabby, cosmetic surgery is the answer. What? Cosmetic surgery ? How 'bout a diet. Maybe a trip to the gym once in a while. Lay off the cup cakes you fat pig! Cosmetic surgery is a pathetic, quick fix to a major problem - laziness!!! Work for something. Put the shovel-sized spoon down and eat some damn fruit. Stop ordering pizzas and go for a jog. Sweat from a bike ride instead of from scooping out chocolate fudge-ripple ice cream!

Most people are fat because they've done it to themselves. Some of these people bitch and complain at how they look and feel. These shitheads need to be put on an island together and eat each other. That would be a "Survivor" that I'd pay to watch!

Of course, the helpless homeless are next. Get a job and throw those god damn signs away already. Not all of them however because some of the signs are funny as hell.

"Help me please. Will work for food. Just down on my luck." Down on you luck? Are you frickin' serious? Down on your luck is losing $500 at the boat or breaking a nail before a major job interview. Having a food-scraps-laden-beard unshaven since Nixon was in office to match the gray T-shirt your scruffy lookin' ass has spilled soup-kitchen-hand-outs on for months is being a total loser, Sparky!

"Handy man. Will fix things around your house for food." Listen here Bob Villa wannabe, fix yourself up with a frickin' job! Go knock down a tree and build a hut to hide in.

This one homeless asshole was on the side of the road with a sign made on a post-it-note. Are you shitting me? Wait a minute. I won't help these filthy bastards to begin with and now they expect me to stop and read their post-it-note...please! C'mon Sparky, I appreciate your advertising and marketing skills in trying to lure me in. At least rip off a piece of cardboard that I can read without stopping. Stinky shithead.

I will give the homeless credit though. They work during rush hour and near legit places of business. You won't see a homeless beggar working at 3 a.m. - they're called hookers. And they won't be found outside Aldi or Walmart - that stuff is too shitty for even the homeless folk!

My last shot is on the bathroom valet. Who in the hell brought these characters into play? Did some guy take a piss, zip up, and say, "Hey, now I need some Brut and a stick of Juicy Fruit?"

I'm convinced this "occupation",  if it can be labeled as such, is a mere step above being homeless. These guys were once homeless and over the years gathered enough cologne samples and packs of gum to become an entrepreneur.

And they expect me to give them money for watching me hold my pecker? Work for the damn money! Tell me a joke, sing a song, dance the Polka, fist a Muppet. Do something! Earn your cash damn it. Don't just sit on that stool and hold a paper towel. We're guys. We don't even wash our hands after taking a leak. My penis is clean. Unless of course, I've had sex with homeless hookers earlier that day. Shove that paper towel up YOUR ass and then YOU wash YOUR hands!

That's it. Put fat, lazy people in a house with homeless folks and bathroom valets and let's watch that mess unravel! The homeless wouldn't be homeless anymore. The bathroom valets can literally work from home while the fat people sit around and get even fatter. And smell good while doing so.  

        

Until next week...Love and Laff...