Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 07/11/2000

Derenger Shot #5

The Handshake: A Lost Art

Where has the standard handshake gone? Remember way back, when a person could greet a friend of his with a solid, firm hand shake? I must have missed the memo about handshakes becoming barbaric forms of "hellos." There in no need for my knuckles to be bashed or my fist to be knocked atop another guy's fist as a form of "hi." This is ridiculous. Who the hell started this shit? I can let it slide if you make millions of dollars and sack the quarterback for a 20 yard loss or if you hit a 500 foot home run. Then it's okay, I guess. Celebrate all you want. You have the right and the cash.  

But most of the schmucks I run into who prefer knocking knuckles versus a frickin' good 'ol handshake are nothings compared to a pro athlete. They're waiters, bartenders, office dorks, comics, etc. "Hey asshole, just shake my hand." And if you've shaken my hand or exchanged your lame ass excuse for a handshake more than twice in an evening, I may have to kill you. Enough is enough. Hello. Good-bye. Whatever the case, just stop touching me! I'm a damn waiter for cryin' out loud. If I bring your fries and burger to your table don't touch me . . . a simple "thanks" will do just fine!

*Technology needs to end. Right now. Are you telling me, that in the year 2000, we cannot cure cancer but we can have a cell phones that ring to more musical selections than in a wedding DJ's collection? Son of a bitch. If I want to hear the national anthem, I'll go to a ball game not wait for your mom to call you - lame prick! If I want to hear Mozart , I'll take a music appreciation class! It's gotta stop. Let's see how Beethoven's 5th sounds coming from that phone I shove in your ass. Then put it on vibrate you sick freak.

*I saw a McDonald's express the other day. Isn't it already fast food? What on-the-go bastard didn't get his Big Mac in a timely enough manner and complained to Ronald? I want to know. It had to be someone. Shitheads.

Feel free to send me your thoughts like these. They will soon be put in a category entitled, "People who need to be shot in the face . . .with a Derenger." Next week I'll touch on the homeless and fat people among others. Until then . . . Love & Laff