Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 06/20/2000

Derenger Shot #2

Road Construction and Some Rules To Live By

It's been three years since I experienced such a thing. Friendly, blood-sucking mosquitoes. 90% humidity, 30 mph winds, thunderstorm warnings and tornando watches with scattered sunlight - just in an average day.

And how could I leave out the road construction. Being raped at the gas pump isn't bad enough, let's now weave in and around orange cones from Wilmington to Wisconsin . Let's take a 5-lane highway and make it a 2-lane parking lot! All because they couldn't do it right the first goddamn time. If we can send people to Mars to chill out, we can create concrete and asphalt that will never have to be replaced. Somewhere in some laboratory a chemistry geek is making the lastest drug laced with crack. And we can't keep cracks out of our roads?

Some complete shithead told me, "But we need construction. Those workers are putting food on the table for their families." So what. Let them build schools and hospitals. Especially hospitals . . .because if I see one more "Please give 'em a break and slow down" signs I'm gonna run over the Wrangler-wearing prick holding it! (I'm convinced legislation needs to take place to get the Illinois state flag needs to be updated. It needs to be orange and black and say "Ha-ha, you've paid for this.") I know they're just doing their job, but damnit do it right once and for all!!! Widen the streets for the last time. Pave the roads again and that's it forever. It's out of control!!! Pretty soon those signs will have websites on them www.slowdownplease.com - you heard it hear first!

The next thing I want to talk about is about making mistakes. You see, I've made a few in my day. You can learn from my mistakes. So please refrain from doing the following things. Or, if you're a thrill seeker, go for it. But I told you so, remember?

1. Never dry hump with a chick wearing courduroys.

2. Never shave you genitals and go on a long bike ride .

3. Never simulate masterbation with a sweet potato.

4. Never, ever photograph such an activity. Job loss may result.

5. Never turn down viewing midget porn. They do it doggystyle while standing up!

6. Never turn down participating in such an event.

7. Never have a threesome with two ladies who were full fledged nuns 24 hours prior to the invitation.

8. Never ask a man with double arm amputations below the elbow if he needs a hand. Jerk, you know he needs two.

9. Never say to a blind man, "Look what you have done."

10. Never go to a "swinger's club" with a woman who hugs the owners and asks the DJ to play "her song."