Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 12/12/2000

Derenger Shot #17

A Holiday Party With Her Family

The holidays are before us and so are those damn Christmas parties. “You mean the ones where we mingle with people we despise and huddle in the corner and talk about them as often as possible?” Yes, those are the ones. And sometimes those people we chastise are coworkers and other times they're beloved family members. Last night I endured my first family outing with the new girlfriend, abbreviated ngf. (I'm not sure if that title's accurate, but it's easier than referring to her as “the girl I'm dating”.)

I knew absolutely nobody at this party except for the ngf. Her brother had a party at a mansion of a house and invited about 30-40 close friends and family members. I squeezed into a few conversations, but tried to listen and take in the entire experience that is meeting the ngf's family.

This party was your normal get together over the holidays where guys hung with their own and women with theirs for the most part. Since I knew only the ngf, I attempted to pair couples randomly. Perhaps I should've answered the front door so I would've known who was with whom. Now what fun would that've been?! Instead, I matched the couples according to their attire, drink choice, and laugh to begin with. “Let's see hear, that guy missing the belt has to be with that women wearing white after Labor Day. There's a dead ringer, the guy with the toupee has got to be with the woman whose lipstick application was inspired by Bozo the Clown! “Oh look, Zima and a wine cooler. This is Steve and his partner Don.”

Of course there were your internal riffs by the family. “There's Jeanie. Her ass is way too big to be in that dress. And cousin Mick, have you talked to him yet? He's bypassed the deodorant portion of the show again!” All in all though, the family interventions went very well.

How come there's always one guy at the party dressed excessively festive? The one with green corduroys, red socks and a candy cane sticking out of his pants! So the last part was a bit facetious but come on already with the reds and greens. Save those colors for the trees and the Santa suits. Then there's the big ol' lady with the cheesiest Christmas sweatshirt ever made. The one with huge, block lettering and a blinking pin that says ho-ho ho! Get lost. Then get a life. And to think she made a conscious decision to wear such a thing. Absurdity at its finest!

This is a trivial time for new couples because these are potentially the very people you will see for years to come. If things go well, so be it. However, if they don't, oh well. Not like missing Grandpa Hatcher's bowel movement stories will kill me. “Please, one more for the road.”

Her family was highly non-dysfunctional. Perhaps they were on their best behavior or had the skeletons secured off the premises, nonetheless they were a warm and fun loving bunch. Conclusion: she can't meet my family . . . EVER! Christmas is always at my mom's house and that's just the beginning. Kentucky rednecks arguing over which deer are best to hunt where. They're ready to go in the backyard and find out, too, complete with the wearing of the bright orange hunting jacket and camouflage pants, the actual outfits they wore inside. Her brothers spoke of how their father taught them the finer points of playing pool. My dad's gay. He taught me the finer points of styling hair and hanging drapes

The ngf to me at my mom's: “Scott, where should I sit?” “Not there. Uncle Danny took three of the Jugs magazine out from the under the couch and now it's crooked and wobbly. Let me get you a milk crate from the dining room.”

Off to Wal-Mart to knock out the Christmas shopping for my family. Till' next time, love and laff!