Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 11/07/2000

Derenger Shot #15

One Flew Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest

I've left the nest . . . again. Yes, I've escaped the humble abode which my mom and step-dad call home and traded that dwelling experience for one in the downtown, big city of Chicago. It's not quite the same as moving cross-country to Phoenix as I did in '97 but it's still a move out and on my own. The past few weeks have involved moving experiences – literally – no to mention all that goes with living in the third largest city in the United States .

The final decision to make the move was done so rather hastily. My cousin and I looked at one place and then another was just down the street. That's where we are now. He goes to school at Columbia College in the Loop and I knew I needed to be downtown for that. I also came to grips with the fact that comedy is all around in Chicago and I can perform almost twice a night every day of the week if I wanted to. Being a comic means I have to have a flexible, “real” job to pay the bills which means waiting tables. The opportunities to do so are all over the city and I am in the process of finding one.

I live in a “garden view” apartment right next to the El. Loud? Yes. Highly convenient? YES! Now, if I can figure out how to use the damn thing. There are like 8 different “colors” to the El's routes through the city and even into the suburbs. It's actually nice to ride the El. You have no traffic lights or parking worries. And you can sit back and read . . . all the graffiti on the buildings! I'll take a day just to cruise around the city on this public transportation beauty and learn the ropes. I do suffer motion sickness at times so this may be interesting.

One way streets, school zone speed limits and “no parking on days that have 6 or more letters in their name until after dusk if you have permit number 78665342-LKJH-897 and are a Virgo or Pisces!” Huh? What? Well that's what parking is like in many parts of the city. I crawl down a street and salivate at what appears to be an open spot and the sign says “no” and in some cases “don't even think about parking here.” In other instances the opening is looked upon like a mirage in a desert and I inch towards it with excitement only to find a fire hydrant. Son-of-a-bitch! Because this city caught on fire back in the day is no reason to put hydrants every 6 feet. There's more of them than there are Starbucks for cryin' out loud! You're hearing it here first: I'm making a styra-foam-like-hydrant or whatever material will work and stick in front of my place and BAM! Parking all day every day!

We painted around our picture window the other day and had nothing covering it while the paint dried. For the first time ever, I really felt one with the animals at the zoo. People would walk by en route to the El and have a full shot into our apartment. “He honey, look at those 2 eating peanuts and playing with their sausages. Their butts aren't quite as discolored and raw-looking as the baboons, but they touch themselves as often. Just don't feed them!”

Moving to a new place also brings the telemarketers out of the woodwork. What's with the donations to the damn police funds? Who hires the people to call on the cops' behalf? They lame shit heads need to be beaten with a billy club! Stop reading the cue cards and at least try to speak a coherent sentence on your own! And these damn calls always come up “unavailable” or “out of area” on caller ID. This invention was created specifically with these bastards in mind. Unavailable? Then why the hell am I going to give you any frickin' money? Make yourself available and I still won't donate but get with it pricks. “Out of area?” Bullshit. You're probably calling from the apartment above me asshole. I'm not giving shit to you no matter what area you're calling from. Just what area are you calling from then? Shove that phone up your ass and try calling from that area. Surely a call that will be “unavailable.”

Getting laid has been no easier in the city. The last time I got some “The Facts of Life” were still rumors !

That's it. Off to hell known as waiting tables. I have to be there in 3 hours but will need at least an hour to walk to my car parked in almost Northern Milwaukee for god's sake. My own personal fire hydrant is just days from completion though. Take care and love and laff.