Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 10/31/2000
Derenger Shot #14
I Think I'm Turning Japanese
I never would have thought that during the 2000 Olympics I'd be watching them from another part of the world. Yet here we are with about a week left in the games and I'm doing just that - from Japan . These folks over here love their teams a lot. It's made watching the games a bit more interesting. Hearing and seeing foreigners go ape shit when anyone beats the United States is something new to me. They love to hate us, what can you say.
This shot isn't about how the rest of the world despises America . They may not really feel that way at all. I've just never seen so many people cheer against the red, white and blue.
Many people think that a comedian's life is glamorous and eventful complete with women throwing themselves at us. Sure, I've had a couple ladies hurled my way. I've heard some phenomenal stories from other comics and their trials and tribulations. I will speak only of mine though.
So I'm in Japan performing as an international comedian on United States military bases. Ladies everywhere, right? Not the case. The other comic I'm with can even vouch. Maybe I'm not a hustler or a womanizer. Actually I'm not but the ladies are not to be found. I'm not busting my ass looking for them but I thought they'd be falling from the trees. No problem though. There's masturbation.
Many a comic has talked about masturbating to the Olympics while watching gymnastics, water polo or beach volleyball. Nice premise and sadly over used. Nobody has ever really masturbated to the Olympic games . Not while living in America where porn is at our disposal every day, all over whether it be via a magazine, video, cable, telephone, etc.
I've exhausted all outlets and am faced with the grim reality that the Olympics are my only source of martubatory material. "It's the year 2000," you may be saying. Here's my situation:
1. I've established that the ladies haven't come out, aren't here to come out or I'm simply a lame ass.
2. I brought no magazines or videos. I do have a few. I simply figured, or better put, hoped to not need them because I'd be pushing the ladies away while begging for 30 minutes of rest. The only magazines I have come across have been semi-nudes similar to the pasties on the nipples at strip joints. I won't have any of that - ever! There are no videos here that I can get because I'm here via the military and am staying where there are no "adult" movies or cable channels. I'd even pay per view . . . and tape it if I could - get some longeveity out of it! That soft core,
non-showing-penetration stuff would come in handy right about now!
3. My laptop can't connect to the internet for nothing short of a house payment. Remember, I'm a comic. Money is scarce. The library blocks access of internet porn sites or else I'd pitch tent right here, literally!
4. I'm a guy. I need visuals. Thinking isn't good enough.
Which leaves me with only the Olympics as a last resort. Not a totally bad one but rather pathetic to say the least. I never thought I'd squeeze one out during match point of a beach volleyball game. Those chicks are hot though, all sweaty, wearing those bikinis and diving around in the sand with their drawers creepin' up their @$$! And great athletes, too.
I've thoroughly enjoyed water polo especially the under water camera shots of 2 chicks wrestling and kicking their legs, occasionally landing a foot or knee under the belt! Kinky.
I feel as if I'm a pedophile for sitting at the edge of my seat during gymnastics. But it's the only thing on sometimes. I mean there's no way I can get excited over those man-shoulder-having female swimmers. Although the breast stroke is a bit erotic in the term alone. The swimmers do look ravishing in their interviews though. I'll give them that. But by that time I've finished and am all but napping. Perhaps they should do the breast stroke during the interview. Very Randy, baby!
The American pole vaulter named Stacy something I must thank for getting me through this tough time. If she can handle that 20 foot piece of plastic-like-PVC pipe with such precision and dexterity, woaaaaa nellie what she must have in her toybox under the bed.
Of course the synchronized swimmers get much love. 2 ladies in swimsuits, made all up and throwing their legs around like they just don't care? They've helped me increase Jergens' shares on the stock market a great deal.
Hope you enjoyed. Gotta go, the women's hurdles are next. One must get a good seat for the replays you know. Perhaps next week I'll write more on my experience overseas. 'Til then , love and laff.
