Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 10/24/2000
Derenger Shot #13
My Korean Konflict
Greetings Americans. This week's shot is coming from Korea about 2 blocks from the Osan Air Force Base. My first time overseas has been quite the experience thus far. The flight from Los Angeles into Seoul was 12 hours. Wow! You know you're on a long flight when they present you with a breakfast, lunch and dinner menu. All of which included rice. However, the airline was the American equivalent to Southwest. They served fortune cookies, but sometimes you got the fortune and other times you got the cookie. Never both. Maybe it was different in first class. Rich bastards.
The other comic I'm touring with is a tall black man who needs leg room. I wanted a window seat so we sat 4 rows apart. I was left without an English speaking person within miles it seemed for the entire flight. I spoke only to myself and didn't really even move. I was like reliving a Saturday detention in high school.
At least they showed movies, though. The first was a Korean fighting movie and the second was "Beethoven's 3rd." I'm not shitting you. A twelve hour flight on a two level, 10 seat wide airplane and the lone American movie they show is a flick about a Saint Bernard terrorizing a family's summer vacation. I watched the whole damn thing. What else was I gonna do? At that point, I had listened to every English speaking musical selection they provided - twice! A dog and a mobile home was a welcomed sight. Pathetic, I know.
We also viewed an "award winning episode of" America 's Funniest Home Videos. That's funny. Award winning and America 's Funniest Home Videos in the same breath. Bog Saget in Korean is actually funny as hell. Bob isn't, but the whole translation attempt is masterful!
"Made in Korea " has long been something I've only read or seen on tags. Not the case any more. I'm shopping where those very tags are made and placed on clothes, bags, rugs, blankets - you name it, it's here. There is a row of shops right outside the hotel lobby I'm typing from. I bought a ton of stuff already and have one more day here. Things in Japan are the same as in Korea but a bit more expensive. If I wasn't moving to Chicago when I get home, I'd do Christmas shopping for the next 20 years. Seriously! It's freaking awesome! Authentic professional jerseys, custom made leather jackets and wool suits, double knit blankets - handy during a Chicago winter. I got paid for all the shows up front so a budget is certainly in store.. As soon as the doors open, I'm there!
The Korean shops truly exhibit "survival of the fittest." There are perhaps 10 each of the aforementioned types of stores. When you step into one, specials are thrown at you for everything. Envision, if you will, a 4 foot Korean lady trying to feed her young through the sale of soft, double-lined blankets. "Oh wa-come (they don't pronounce "l's"). I got spesha (special) for you. You wear gasses, I got spesha. Is raining out, I got spesha for you. You under 6 foot, me too, I got spesha for you!" As funny as I hope you find that, it's true. Like a flea market of the highest quality merchandise.
I've bought things for many people, even those I don't really like just because the price is right, Bob. Some things I've purchased for one member of a married couple. Bad move. I had to go back and get the other one something. No chance at returns.. Every sale is final. I plan to go out today and get more stuff. However, I also have to mail the stuff back to the States. I may just bring you back back some authentic fortune cookies, the complete version.
My comedy tour leaves Korea tomorrow and takes me to the island of Okinawa where it's monsoon season and the humidity is unbearable from what I've been told. If I can take a Chicago summer, this should be a cake walk. Bring it on. Leave the rain out though . . . please, oh great monsoon gods!
From there I go to Tokyo , the largest city in the world in population - over 26 million people. I'll be sure to update my happenings. I hope you've enjoyed this shot. Until next time, ove and aff! (They actually pronounce "l's" at the beginning of words just not in the middle or on the end of them. So love and laff.
