Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 08/26/2000

Derenger Shot #12

Sights and Sounds at the Gym

Today I realized that if it weren't for the big hair, rock bands of the 80's, guys wouldn't have T-shirts to wear to the gym. All I saw in there were bench presses and Bullet Boys, sit-ups and Scorpions, free weights and Firehouse – that rocks!

I went to this gym before I moved to Arizona . Almost four years later, the same people are there doing the same work outs in the same attire – a Poison Open Up and Say Ahhh . . . Tour '87 T coupled with the pants MC Hammer wore that year as well.

If fashion police existed, they could spend their entire workweek at a gym and write more tickets than Dallas Cowboys have arrests. Here are a few pointers on proper gym attire:

1. Slaughter kicks ass!

2. If you wear shorts and, at any point in your work out, your testicle falls out, throw those shorts away immediately. And sanitize whatever machine you were using.

3. If your breast falls out, please inform us before this spectacle takes place. (I hope to God you are not a male that suffers this fate. If so, please refrain from sharing this info with anyone.)

4. Only only a select few women can wear spandex. You know who you are. If you're hesitant about wedging yourself in a pair, do everyone a favor and do not go any further. Your membership may be revoked.

5. Guys cannot, under any circumstances, wear spandex. Nobody desires to know your religion nor do we care how your sac sits during leg extensions. This violation may result in probation and personal training sessions with Richard Simmons.

6. If the color of your white t-shirt-pits matches that of the short school bus you rode as a child, don't butcher it up and cut the sleeves. Burn it!

7. Warrant and Winger also kick major ass!

Some of the sounds of the gym leave a little to be desired. Guys feel the need to moan and groan upon any exertion. For some, it's as close as they'll get to being a part of another childbirth. I mean shit, sometimes I don't know whether to give a spot or look for the head.

The gym is simply a great place to people watch. Some people have no idea what they're doing there while others may dress the part only to fool us. I give people credit though. If you're out of shape, over weight or elderly, I admire your efforts to get into or maintain your shape. Again though, please dress accordingly.

The more I think about it, the more I've realized that gym attire can be motivational. If I see a guy in a tank top with big arms, I'll want to go the extra mile to hopefully look like that. On the other hand, I see a fat, hairy guy with 12 rolls complete with their own separate pool of sweat showing through his Ratt World Tour '83 shirt, I'm likely to bust my ass to look nothing like that. Nothing against Ratt.

I'm not sure how women are in their locker room with regards to nakedness. I've tried to find out on many an occasion and have fallen short every time. I will find out though, I promise. Men have an innate desire to be naked. It starts young when as infants, while our diapers are being changed, we decide to take a stroll or a crawl in the buff. We think nothing of it as a one-year old. Why should we? We came into the world naked so why not see the sights naked as well. As we grow up, we learn of clothing's place in society and give much money to support Structure and Mr. Hilfiger. Then we turn about 60 and want to resume being naked, again out of our diapers.

This is not a pretty sight.  I can't shave in the locker room without some “Cocoon” extra prancing around in all his glory. Then his buddy comes hobbling in, gets naked and they proceed to shoot the shit right in the middle of the intersection of shaves and showers. They do, however, manage to keep their black socks on. “But for Pete's and our sake, put some clothes on grandpa!”

That's it for this week.  Sorry to end on such a disgusting visual but “Behind the Music” is on featuring Bon Jovi and Cinderella. Then it's back to the gym . . .

Love and laff.