Publication: MattOnAir.com
Publication Date: 06/01/2000

Derenger Shot #1

Britney Spears and Gas

I need to start with Ms. Britney Spears. I'm in my mid-20's and did not have the luxury of having a Britney Spears to nocturnally emit to when I was 12. Nor did I have a Christina Aguliera or Jessica Simpson. I had . .Debbie Gibson and Tiffany - she performed in a mall for God's sake. Those two had big noses and big hair, not big knockers.

They wore leg warmers and jean jackets, not tight red vinyl pants on which you could see the outline of a glutious maximus separating thong. My heart goes out to the mothers of those 12-year old balls of evolving testosterone and the battles with cleaning their sheets. And Britney's latest hit "Oops, I did it again." She's like 17. What did she do . . .wake up late for school? Stop with the video shoots and get to home room young lady! I may have to correct myself, I think Britney is now an adult at 18. I was only 18 a few years ago. Britney worries that her limo will be bombarded by fans. I worried about finding a parking spot at Joliet Junior College in my '88 Pontiac Le Mans. Those were the days . . . Cell phones, e-mail, stock options . . .financial aid for a tank of gas?  What's wrong with that picture? This gasoline hike is out of control. Who'd a thunk that a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk would be running neck and neck! At least you can dunk your cookies in milk. But it also has an expiration date. They cancel each other out.

One of the biggest problems created with gas at about $47.50 a gallon is time and opportunities lost. When gas was $1.10 a gallon, around $17 would fill 'er up, for me at least. (Keep in mind that I'm a working comic so I use the cheapest stuff at the cheapest places . . .only the best for that LeMans with 200k on her!) That would also enable me time to wash all the windows and maybe check the oil and tire pressure. Hell, today $17 doesn't allow me enough time to check out the Britney Spears look-alike on pump 6! You want enough time to wash your windows my friend, pay at the pump and watch the dollar signs go into and exceed the thirties! If it goes any higher, I'll need a co-signer!  This changes everything. My dating especially. No more dinner and a movie. That involves driving and using gas. Let's walk to the corner mart and pick something up. Tonight it's Snickers and basic cable. Who can afford to drive? I know basic cable . . .and the Spice Channel. And be sure to get your own ride to my place too!  So I'm single . . .

 Well that's it for the first installment of "The Derenger Shots." I need to get some sleep, for tomorrow is a new day a brand new breed of idiots to deal with. You see folks, I'm a waiter. Been one for 6 years. Seen a lot and have tons to say about those sights. Perhaps in next week's column, I'll share some of my favorites with you. Until then, love and laff!