Publication: HERALD-NEWS
Publication date: 02/23/2003

Bald is beautiful -- and less confusing at supermarket

By Scott Deininger
SPECIAL TO THE HERALD NEWS

I tried to buy shampoo today. For the most of you, buying shampoo may not be out of the ordinary. But for me, a bald man with a shaved head, buying shampoo had me out of my element. And in the wrong aisle.Luckily, the razors and the shaving cream were calling for me and my polished dome in the next aisle.

I was shopping for a friend, a woman no less, and I know how the ladies can be when it comes to their hair. Having had hair until June 1997, I had bought shampoo and conditioner before, albeit not the best brands of either. Maybe that led to the loss of my locks. OK, so locks they never were. My hair was always very fine, in texture not in look, and began thinning in the back my senior year of high school."Hey, Deininger," someone like Kevin Keer or Matt Price would yell. "You know you're going bald?"

This generally came as I sat in the front of the class while my hair-hecklers sat in the back. At this point, not only had I become aware of my balding, but so did the rest of the class. So much for my prom-date possibilities.

"Who you going with, Gina?" asked Julie of her friend and fellow cheerleader. "I was thinking about Scott Deininger. He's so funny."

"But isn't he going bald?" Julie inquired. "My uncle is bald, and he's 48. Scott's only 18. But at least he looks old enough to buy us cigarettes. And maybe if he loses a lot of hair before prom, he'll be able to get us booze. Scott may not be a bad choice after all."

I really can't remember the last time I actually bought shampoo or conditioner. I have used some sparingly in my shaven years to massage the scalp and simply relive the glory days of longer, more productive showers. Just a bar of soap or maybe a loofah sponge does the job these days. Efficiency has become the name of the game.

I was told to look for some Pantene Pro-V, 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. I was more than up for the challenge. How hard could it be to follow the guidelines I was given?

Therein laid the problem -- I had forgotten what specific style of Pantene to get. Just anything wouldn't suffice. Even though my hair has passed on, I knew that all shampoos weren't the same. Just like all shaving creams aren't.

I found the Pantene section. It took up about a quarter of the left side of the aisle and came with more styles and holds than a night of professional wrestling.

Sheer Volume. Color Revival. Smooth & Sleek. Classic Clean. Hydrating Curls. I knew those five selections weren't any of the things I was told some four hours earlier.

Then I began to actually think it through, justifying and calculating my options.

"Well her hair is thick and full, so maybe Sheer Volume would work?"

"Her hair is also red, so perhaps Color Revival could do the trick?"

"Smooth & Sleek?" I wasn't too sure about this one. It seemed like more of way to describe a car than a shampoo. I moved on.

"Anyone with hair would like it Classically Clean, so how could I go wrong with that selection?"

"Oh no! Hydrating Curls? Her hair is curly. But it's also red with great volume. Can't I just make aisle J-24 like chemistry class and combine the Pantenes?"

I rolled the dice and went with the Sheer Volume. I was satisfied with my selection until I spoke with her as I was ready to check out.

"Just put it back," she said. "I think I'm going to try something else. It's a different brand all together that one of the girls at work told me about. Do you want to look for it?"

"Sure, I guess I'll ..."

She cut me off before I could even fully commit to the search. "Just forget it," she said as if to appear frustrated, yet appreciative of my efforts. "I'll go shopping later this week and get the shampoo. Just get what you went there for."

With that said, I put back the shampoo and some other things and made my way to the cashier. When she got home from work, I told her of a great idea I had. She agreed with me. I shaved her head. There will longer be a need for any shampoos or conditioners. Now we both have the ultimate Classically Smooth & Sleek look. Out with the Pantene and in with the Gillette. Bald is beautiful after all.

Scott Deininger, who goes by Scott Derenger for comedy work, is a touring standup comedian living in Shorewood. He can be seen in March 27-30 at The Barrel of Laughs in Oak Lawn, (708) 499-2969 or contact him via his Web site www.ShaveYourHead.com.

02/23/03