Sheep, goats take sides in church

I hadn't been to Mass at St. John's chapel in some time. Mom and I go together, usually driving in separate cars.

I arrived before her and took a spot where I normally sit, back to the left in the small room that seats around 50 people.

Quite unlike my past visits, I was early, maybe 10 minutes. But I figured I needed some time in a chapel more than I needed time in my car listening to banter about the frustrating Cubs.

Mom came in and made her way down the few steps, walking almost sideways as her back was still giving her trouble, and proceeded to sit right beside me on the right.

I don't know everyone's name, but I should. It's a close-knit group that attends the weekday Masses at 8:30 a.m. Much visiting and friendly chatter happens right up to the point that the priest enters. Today was Father Tom.

Before he entered, Mom was posed with a question.

"Why are you sitting over there?" asked Pat Walsh.

"Because he was sitting here," Mom replied, gesturing toward me.

Mom then leaned over to tell me that, on occasion, they moved from their normal seats to get a different experience. Unless it's a warm day, then Mom sits where the air conditioner hits her directly. This day was nice, though, even a bit cool.

"Well, sorry about that seat moving. I didn't know. No one sent me a memo," I said.

"It's kind of like the goats and sheep in the Bible," Char Pool told Mom and me. "The goats sit on one side, and the sheep sit on the other."

I then wondered on which sides they sat and if it was better to be a sheep or a goat. I asked the questions and stumped the ladies in the process.

"It's in the Bible somewhere. I think in the beginning," someone added.

"Are you suggesting that I need to brush up on theology and read the whole Bible?" I asked.

Silence came over the room. Apparently I do.

"He's gonna write about this, isn't he?" Char commented.

Yep.

"I left my notebook in the car," I mumbled.

Just then, Mom pulled out a pen and a small note pad, both probably from a box found on the side of the road.

The small chapel has taken on a different look. New chairs with blue, vinyl cushions have replaced what used to be tall, wooden seats, ones that almost seemed fit for king.

Three of the kingly seats now are in Mom's front hallway, just below a large crucifix. Just a few feet away, in the living room, sits the top of an altar from Catholic High. It's used as a giant coffee table and its bottom is used to store blankets and pillows. Still, a huge cluttered mess surrounds the sacred pieces.

I joke that I can hear Jesus talk from the cross in Mom's hallway.

"The miracle of the loaves and fishes was one thing. I don't know what even I can do about this place."

As Mass closed, Father Tom mentioned that nobody other than Deacon Jose had noticed his chasuble was on backward.

Although I left without knowing if it was better to be a sheep or a goat, it was refreshing to learn that even a priest can have troubles with an outfit.

After all, with God, anything is possible, right?

And on that note, I'm praying Mom's front porch will magically look more like the front porch it is versus the flea market it's become.

Scott Deininger is a stand-up comedian from Shorewood. His work can be found via his Web site, www.ShaveYourHead.com

10/31/04