Treat to see Ozzy's entourage

By Scott Deininger
SPECIAL TO THE HERALD NEWS

Surely by now you have heard or seen Ozzy Osbourne's unique rendition of the seventh-inning stretch. I had the luxury of meeting Ozzy and his wife, Sharon, last week. Well, almost.

I was working in the Wrigley Field suites and just happened to have Ozzy and Sharon to take care of. I just prayed for a chance to talk with Ozzy, knowing full well that whatever he said back would be magical, yet impossible to understand. But still a moment to be cherished by a comedian.

There was a throng of media and security following their every step. The Wrigley faithful were chanting, "Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy," like he was up with the bases loaded in the last of the ninth. The guests in my suites were literally shoving me and my dessert cart aside to catch a glimpse of the highly dynamic duo.

"Come on now! He may have hit records, but I have six-layer carrot cake and giant taffy apples," I said, as the cameras flashed and teen-age girls screamed. And look at these jumbo chocolate-chip cookies.

All the hype was created mainly by MTV's reality show "The Osbournes." America's obsession with voyeurism has taken Ozzy from being the Prince of Darkness and turned him into the Prince of Primetime.

I had to arrange the food in Ozzy's suite. There were the standard hot dogs, of course, and even some guacamole and chips. But there were also some fresh blueberries, blackberries and cottage cheese along with unsalted almonds. Ozzy had gone from biting the head off of live bat to eating a Carnie Wilson-like diet. I did leave Ozzy some chocolate cake per the request of his people, so maybe he does dabble in sweets once in a while.

I also met his drummer. I introduced myself to the short, dark-dreadlock-haired man.

"Hey, nice to meet you. My name's Scott. I'll be taking care of you all day. What was your name?" I asked, as if he had told me once before. I also figured it to be a name synonymous with a rock 'n' roll drummer. Maybe something like Slash or Venom.

"Hey, Scott. I'm Mike," said the drummer, like he was the new neighbor boy who just moved in next door. Easy enough to remember, but almost in a surprised and laughable sort of way.

Mike then asked that all the alcohol be removed from the suite before Ozzy arrived. Ozzy recently became sober, and they didn't want him to be tempted.

I found this quite interesting. Ozzy's been touring for more than 30 years, partying truly like the rock star he is and has obviously done enough hard-core drugs to fuel a Space Shuttle, yet the site of a six-pack of Old Style may be too enticing?

Ozzy and Sharon arrived in their suite at different times. Word had it that Ozzy was having his ingrown toenail taken care of by some Cubs team doctors. You know how those things hurt. Could you imagine the expletive-laden tirade going on in there? Very likely that nobody was sure what Ozzy was yelling, though. But being at Wrigley Field, they were used to that from Harry Caray.

I brought my dessert cart down to Ozzy's suite and there was Sharon, signing autographs and taking pictures with fans in the suites next to hers. Her publicist assured me that it wouldn't be too long before she wanted some dessert. I waited patiently, hoping that Sharon might recognize me from my work at comedy clubs in Iowa and Alabama. Who knows? Perhaps she could use me on her new TV talk show airing next month.

I plated four chocolate-covered strawberries for her and turned to hand them to the publicist and there was Sharon, wearing her pinstriped Cubs jersey. Her hair a maroonish color, and she had a big smile on her face. Being the brains behind her husband's tour, the TV shows and battling back from cancer, Sharon is the real Wizard of Oz.

"I love your work and really love the show," I told her, thinking that MTV needs to come to my mom's house after seeing "The Osbournes."

"Thank you very much, Scott," she said, looking at my name tag. We then took a picture, and she was off to enjoy her dessert.

I never did meet Ozzy. I was stuck serving turtles and truffles, and then he and his entourage were gone. I managed only to see the top of his head. Mike has my business card, though, so here's to hoping Ozzy needs a comedian to open his shows.

Oh yeah, there was a baseball game this day. The Cubs lost. But the fans were treated to some — well I'm not sure exactly what it was. They enjoyed it nonetheless.

If any year is going to be the year for the Cubs, why not have it be the year Ozzy sings at Wrigley?

 

Scott Deininger is a standup comedian from Shorewood. More of his work can be found via his Web site, www.ShaveYourHead.com

08/24/03