New suit oddly suits comedian

By Scott Deininger
SPECIAL TO THE HERALD NEWS

Most 28-year-old men own at least a suit or two. Some guys have quite a few. Not a swimsuit or sweatsuit but a real suit. The kind that requires a tie and a nice collared shirt to be worn with it.

Well up until a few weeks ago, I didn't have such a suit. Sure I had one that some teen-ager sold me at a going-out-of-business-sale in the mall, but that doesn't really count. And besides, it was bought so long ago the pants don't even have cuffs.

My suitless existence could be because I've never really held a job that's warranted a suit. And come to think of it, I would hate wearing one every day. That would explain never having such a job. Unless I was making phat cash and having a great deal of fun at the job. Then and only then would I consider the suit as part of my daily wardrobe.

The friend I went with to purchase the suit said it would be an investment.

"If you want to spend hardly anything on the suit," he said, "you're going to get a suit that is hardly worth having. So spend some money and get something good."

I told him how, as a standup comedian, I don't feel really myself on stage in a suit.

"Besides, my act doesn't really call for me to be in a suit," I rationalized. "I do perverted jokes and talk about my horrible financial management skills. Wearing an expensive suit would just showcase those skills."

I went on to add that people of vast importance — like attorneys, politicians and NBA coaches — wear suits. Comedians don't fall in those categories.

Then I realized that some of the greats of my time like Jerry Seinfeld, Tim Allen and Drew Carey all wore suits in their act. And then landed multimillion dollar sitcoms. A coincidence? Well, it's worth the investment to find out.

This suit was tailored, made precisely to fit my frame. Up until then, I had been professionally measured for four tuxedos in my day. But never a real suit.

"The waist seems to fit you just right," said the seamstress.

"What size is the waist?" I asked.

"34. Your length is about 30."

"34?" I shouted as if she just told me that 34 was the balance in my checking account.

"It can't be a 34."

And a 34 it was. I think she took in a little to make me feel better, though.

After matching a shirt and tie with the dark charcoal-gray suit and fixing in the tailoring charges, more than $400 was the damage.

In the comedy business, $400 is an average week of pay for a featuring comedian. I had just spent my weekly earnings in a 30-minute visit to The Men's Wearhouse.

The suit looked nice worn at the recent wedding reception of Lee Ann Demos and Mike Cardwell, Joliet West and Joliet Catholic grads, respectively, who reside in Joliet.

I chose a metallic maroon shirt with an accompanying tie. It was between that shirt and a blue one. Blue to match the tint in my glasses, of course. Having no hair, I'm now left with matching my outfits with my eyewear. Great. I guess I'm evolving into either Elton John or a 75-year-old woman.

As you may be wondering, there was quite a bit of blue in the tie, so all matched well. Glad I chose the maroon. About a dozen other gents donned blue shirts. I wasn't sure if I was at a wedding reception or a Smurf reunion.

"Where's your gift for Lee and Mike?" asked Cyndi, Lee's best friend whose date I was.

"I'm wearing it. Besides, being dressed up and making some people laugh will be my gift to them."

Surely Lee and Mike didn't register for such a gift. Nonetheless, congratulations to them and their families as well.

I have plenty of other shirts and ties to wear with my new suit, so bring on the weddings. And other suit-required events, like my 10-year Joliet Catholic class reunion on Sept. 27. Maybe by then I will have made enough comedy money to buy some differently tinted glasses.

Scott Deininger is a standup comedian from Shorewood. More of his work can be found via his Web site, www.ShaveYourHead.com

07/06/03